Access to grandson

Brighton_belle

It never ceases to amaze me how may people on these forums 'communicate' potentially difficult or emotionally loaded issues ... by text:(

Please OP, stop using text - they are a minefield of potential misunderstanding. As humans, communication is about look gesture, eye contact, tone of voice and sentances of more than 150 characters.

Rainey_LB

Do they know you would like to be more involved?

Maybe they are just really busy, I think I read the baby is 8 months(?), mum is already back at work, its not easy working when you have a little one, what you might see as a helpful break, to the mum is another unwanted absence from her baby.

I also got sick of unwanted advice when my 2 were little, sometimes felt I was being looked down on as I wasn't doing it how some others thought I should, even though I was confident I was doing was best for me and mine. So I distanced myself a bit from those people. Are you quite opinionated and pushy with your advice? If so, back off you may mean well, but its best to wait to be asked. It's just you seem quite forceful and maybe a bit controlling from your posts in this thread - no offence its just the way it reads.

When they asked you to have the child and you declined because the child would have been sleeping, this was them asking for your help, which you declined because it didn't suit your needs, you didn't consider your sons & his gf's or the grandchilds needs, so they'll be less likely to ask again, especially if her mum says yes regardless.

Also, just re-reading your original post, you say your son's GF's family are a virtual cult, this to me says you don't really have a very good relationship with her or them or you wouldn't say such things. This won't be helping if she knows this!!

balletshoes

OP I understand that you see/think that gfs family see your grandchild a lot more than you do, but I have to agree with others here - twice now is it you've been approached by your son and gf and offered access to your grandchild. And twice you've refused. If I were your son's gf in that situation, I really would find it hard to offer again - yet another chance to have that offer rejected.

My parents were fantastic when I was a new mum, but they still didn't expect to just see the baby alone - they came to see me too, or when I took baby to visit them, we visited, chatted, caught up, had a coffee or dinner together etc - all of us, not just my parents and the baby.

Violetta_2

I sympathise janb5 it is such a difficult situation to be in with no easy answers. I have a difficult relationship with my mil, but she is hard work. I do resent her somewhat, some of it with good reason and some just because she isn't my mum. When my oh told her our daughters name (her middle name was my mum's name who had died 4 yrs previously) the first words out of her mouth were "How can I compete with a dead grandmother" there is no competition if there was the fact that she got to meet her granddaughter, kiss & cuddle her etc, means she won full stop.
But the competition thing is something I want to make a point of you are his grandmother always will be there is no competition between you & her parents, don't turn it into one or that may turn you into a loser. I do not mean that to sound harsh.
I know if my mum was around I could tell her how to do things & what not to do, in a way that you can't to anyone else. My mil has babysat a handful of times one of the few things I asked her not to do (when dd was about 1 and crawling about) was to not let her go upstairs as she couldn't get down them herself, & mil is not too steady. I came home to find mil struggling with dd at the top of the stairs. The next (and last) time she babysat dd was ill with a cold & I had to work I asked mil what she had drank, mil said she had offered her a drink at 1 (6 hrs previously)but she didn't want it & no she hadn't had anything since. DD was only about 18 months & didn't ask for drink's at that point I was raging but didn't say anything. When I gave dd a drink it was obvious she was desperately thirsty.
Sorry this has turned into a rant about my mil & me. I don't think you are anything like that.
Thing's that would help in our situation would be for mil to invite us over to her house, there are few people I feel able to visit without an invite 1 of those is my dad's. Also if she asked if she could visit on a certain day, she will text on a friday to say she is coming on Saturday, no asking if that's ok or anything. Also an offer every couple of month's to babysit would be nice, I think she has offered once in the last 2 years, didn't even offer to babysit on her son's 30th bday.
I'm not saying you don't already do these things but it might be worth a try if you don't, try not to be pushy but ask, invite offer to help or babysit. Good luck, thing's may improve as your grandson get's older,it's easier for us mum's to relax a wee bit.

janb5

Rainey_LB wrote: »

Do they know you would like to be more involved?

Maybe they are just really busy, I think I read the baby is 8 monthsWhen they asked you to have the child and you declined because the child would have been sleeping, this was them asking for your help, which you declined because it didn't suit your needs, you didn't consider your sons & his gf's or the grandchilds needs, so they'll be less likely to ask again, especially if her mum says yes regardless.

Thank you all for your posts- some people are a tad vicious which is unwarranted really imo. But some people are lovely and thanks to those who sent me a PM- you know who you are!

Just to clear up a few points- they did not ask me to ` have the child` but only have access when he is asleep after 7pm at night.

I did not communicate by text -yesterday I got these texts from them - they do not have a landline - and I arranged to talk quietly to my son about things. TBH I thought we had reached an agreement about seeing more than twice a month and only in the evenings as he had said we would rearrrange things but sadly that isnt the case.

If I only see him in the evenings he is not going to get to know me at all. I dont want to monopolize him and would not go there uninvited etc but want to be familiar to him. I do not make suggestions or otherwise as I remember what it is like to be a new Mum.

I also think that conjecture about my work situation is totally uncalled for. We are reminded on this forum to `be nice to other MSE`ers but some people seem to delight in writing nasty posts.

Sometimes I get the impression that people dont read the entire post......

Rainey_LB

Not quite sure why you quoted half my post and edited paragraphs together?

By them inviting you round in the evening, do you think that could be them trying to invite you round just to be with them for the evening? Although you want to see your grandchild would you not want to go and have dinner with your son too? Could you not suggest getting there a bit earlier so you could see baby even if its just for half hour before he goes to bed?

I don't mean to be 'vicious' at all, but you seem to be putting barriers in your own way, I don't understand if you weren't busy why you wouldn't just go and see your son & his GF if you are invited, you need to be close to them too if you want to be close to your grandchild.

janb5

Rainey, my comments werent directed at you- you werent ` vicious` and I did merge your post oddly! I am sorry- I was in a hurry but apologize if you thought that. I agree about going there anyway to see them but the point was I wanted to see grandson when he was awake and at the moment that isnt happening.

Rainey_LB

No problem, I think I would just take every opportunity you are offered to visit, whether the child is going to be awake or not, the more you are around and the closer all your relationships are, the more you'll be able to become involved.

It does sound very frustrating, like some of the previous posts suggests, invite them over for lunch sat/sun, or now the summer is here if the GF only works a few days a week, maybe see if she'd like to go for a walk in the park, feed the ducks with the little one, your on neutral ground then, suggest you'll do a picnic etc.

Good luck.

aliasojo

janb5 wrote: »

...... the point was I wanted to see grandson when he was awake and at the moment that isnt happening.

Ok, assumimg that's the end objective (you seeing grandson awake and also possibly by yourself), how do you think you're going to achieve that?

It seems to me that it really doesn't matter what the cause of the lack of useful contact is, the only way to change things is to be closer to the baby's Mum. You need to be her friend before you can be a hands on Gran. I'm not saying it's right, but it's the only way you're going to get what you want in the long run. Just talking about things and asking for what you want isn't going to make them feel differently, I think.

Human nature means you try to please those you like and are more dismissive of those you don't.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound like you're the baddie in all this, but the fact is you really dont have many (any?) rights so you have to be careful what you do otherwise you'll never get what you want.

slightlyconfused1

Hi

I also don't understand you desire to have your grandchild on your own. As a mum I wouldn't have let my children go to anyone on their own unless my children were completely comfortable with that person. That easy relationship only happens when the child sees you around them and their parents.

I would accept every invitation to visit even if it is in the evening and also invite them over to visit you. I think by your refusal to visit your son and daughter in law and only wanting to see your grandchild on your own you may have hurt them ie. you have no desire to build a relationship with them! I know that if my in-laws only wanted to see my children and made it clear that I was not wanted I would be devastated (and not be happy to let my kids go either)
If you build up a relationship with you daughter-in-law, it will make life easier.

You are not in a competition with the other grandparents and the baby is not the prize.