Access to grandson

janb5

Yes I tried to help as much as possible- invited them to meals, bought shopping etc helped to buy furniture and pram etc. She is diabetic( insulin) so didnt have an easy pregnancy . Didnt ring her direct cos my calls were never answered =- apparently bad reception.
Helped from anything from cleaning the flat ( when asked to post delivery by son) to arranging sofa clean when their sofa was given to them from a smoky house( again offered not arranged without discussion.

minimoneysaver

Maybe if you relax and let a relationship build over time?

zzzLazyDaisy

Speaking as a grandmother and a mother-in-law, I would never make the demands or criticisms that OP is voicing. Alienating the mother of your grandchild is not a good move - if OP's son feels forced to take sides, the chances are he will side with his gf, and rightly so.

When my son and his wife separated I was acutely aware that she held all the cards and could easily have made it difficult for the little ones to continue to see me, especially as I lived some distance away and visits required planning.

TBH there were times when she made decisions that I didn't agree with, and she made mistakes in her personal life along the way (but for goodness sake, we all do that) but I always did my best to support her and to be a good grandmother to the children. It paid off, as 14 years later our relationship has grown and flourished, she sends me a mother's day card every year, and she is like the daughter I never had. But it hasn't always been plain sailing and there have been times when I have had to bite my tongue and not interfere.

OP don't make an enemy of your son's gf, she is the baby's mother and when push comes to shove, the chances are she will be the ultimate decision maker.

whitewing

My MIL told - not asked - me she would give up work to look after DD. I said no. I felt very offended.

Then she dramatically blubbed all over everyone that she never thought she would be a grandmother. I thought - it's not about you.

Then she announced that she had TOLD work that if her granddaughter needed her, she would leave straight away or not be in. We had already discussed with her that the best way of helping us is to make sure that she has a job so there are no financial dependencies.

On mother's day (DD was very young then) she crowded me from the second I walked in and made me feel really uncomfortable. I haven't seen her since.

I actually can't stand her now. I find her intrusive and creepy in her neediness and self-wonderment. Plus she has chats with my father about how difficult I am. She routinely ignores what I say and has been known to talk over me (my husband is foreign so she will say stuff in their language, which I don't mind as we wanted DD to be bilingual, but she will just start talking when I am speaking). She lies too.

Charlie1978

I can only speak from my experience. From day 1 i've not been good enough for the hubby to his parents. I have Asian in me and they classed me as 2nd rate. I went round one Christmas and had to put up with racial abuse, whilst not directed at me, I felt offended by it. They wasn't invited to our wedding. Hubby's choice, not mine. I've broken my heart over it all. Time and time again. They make him feel rubbish yet I encouraged him to see them because they were his family. Over time I just couldn't take it any more. I stopped going and stopped encouraging him to go. Don't get me wrong, I didn't object to him going. But I just had to distance myself from it all as it was having a negative effect on me.

Circumstances as they are I have two children from a previous relationship and OH has 1. The grandparents see the one child on a regular basis and don't see mine at all. At our house we treat all children the same. We love them all. Yet they don't even glance at my children. We are now at the point where we are planning a child together and the arguments we have had about their access to the as yet unborn child have been unreal. It has been an emotional upheaval. We've had to put ground rules in place regarding how much access they have.

Unfortunately it is one of those circumstances that just can't be changed. I can't force him to choose yet they have tried on numerous occasions. I have to bite my lip and just stay away and support him when he comes home after yet another argument. I've cried many, many nights. Not just because it could all be so different (i've always wanted a big family) but because the feeling of not good enough they have left me with leaves me out in the cold.

It didn't have to be this way. Do something now whilst you still have the chance.

LilacPixie

Sorry OP but I think you are coming across as being very demanding. You admit you have had limited visits with your grandson since birth so you are probably a bit of a stranger to him yet you refuse a visit from them as you suspect he will be sleeping. TBH I am not surprised you are not allowed to look after him alone, you are not known to him and you refused an opportunity to be known to him.

I would do the same. I would not leave my baby with someone who had seen them maybe 20 times since birth. Rather than accept this and make an effort you have decided that really its because the child's mum is a controlling cult member who is forcing your son to make decisions against his will??

Pixiechic

Hi,

I had a look at your other posts and saw that you were off work due to reactive stress and problems at work. Do you think that maybe they don't want to leave him with you as they don't want to cause any added stress to you? I wonder if they feel that having your Grandson with you alone could be too stressful for you? The intent could well be through concern for your health as sometimes young children can be difficult.

Maybe if you are patient and let your son and future daughter in law decide without pushing they might well let him stay on his own. If you keep pushing I fear you may only serve to alienate yourself further from them. I understand that this must be hard for you but sometimes these decisions are made with the best intentions. If you start to resent your future daughter in law it will only make things harder for you.

sassy_one

Sorry but some parents only want to look after there child/children.

A mothers bond with her daughter will always be stronger when she has a baby rather than the son and mother.

Sorry, but I don't see a problem here, you were offered contact and visits but want him longer!

Bitsy_Beans

janb5 wrote: »

Son and I did have a chat at my suggestion about a fortnight ago and I thought we had sorted it out. I reckon GF doesnt like me. I have tried to stand back etc and not make any comments at all. As for I cant really want to see him if only for an hour, no its not that. I just think it is unfair that everyone else gets to see him regularly even the great grandparents( hers) I didnt like my MIL but drove my kids to see her regularly.

You're right - it IS unfair but I am afraid it's something you will have to suck up for the time being. It does sound as though your son's GF wears the trousers in this relationship and thereby holds all the cards. You're going to have to bite your lip and take whatever is offered to you and hope that by going with the flow you'll be allowed more contact which is what you'd prefer.

I do think people have been a little hard on the OP. Turning down contact? Sorry GF does sound high maintenance and I can imagine the child will be tucked up in bed away from Grandma - not quite the sort of contact the OP had in mind.
How many times have I seen threads bemoaning parents not showing an interest in their grandchildren and here is a woman who just wants to spend some time with hers. There is a bias towards the other grandparents and that would hurt me too. She might have gone about it the wrong way but then again the GF does sound like a control freak.

iamana1ias

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,

I had a look at your other posts and saw that you were off work due to reactive stress and problems at work.

Er no, she's been fired from being a health visitor for gross misconduct (which she doesn't appear to deny).

I can see why her son and his GF may not want to leave their child alone with the OP.