Access to grandson

thorsoak

I think this is where you have to remember the old saying "my son is my son till he takes him a wife - but my daughter is my daughter the whole of her life"!

I find I treat my dils with far more caution than I do my daughter - they are all lovely women and I adore them all (and hopefully, they think the same of me) - but whereas I'll jump in with both feet first with DD, with my DILs, I wait to be invited.

Saying that, though - none of my grandchildren live near us - all oversea - but we just have to make the most of when they visit us, and we visit them - and I'm looking forward to next year when hopefully the two oldest will be able to come over to the UK from the USA on their own for a couple of weeks before their Mum & Dad come back for their holiday.

Loopy_Girl

Let's be honest here...the OP clearly doesn't think much of the G/F and her family and the G/F will not be stupid and will have picked up on it despite the OP thinking she has hid it well. So the G/F will not want to go round and be there on her own with the MIL so it has to be evenings. And she'll also be thinking why the hell should she let her see the baby more if she is going to be ike that.

And I actually do think that your work/current situation will be playing on her mind. You made mistakes in your job because you were 'stressed' which in turn led to action from your employers and you are now off from work with 'stress'. Perhaps the G/F is worried that you can't cope with a small baby - totally understandable in my opinion and first time mothers are in a constant state of alarm for their baby.

Also I feel that you should be speaking to both parents together...having a 'quiet word' with your Son about seeing your Grandson more isn't much good if he goes home and the G/F refuses for whatever reason. Make no mistake that this is the Mum of his first born and that you nipping his head will have no positive outcome as he will always take his Partner's side.

Personally I think you need to try very hard to get a decent r'ship with the G/F and not let her pick up the vibes that we have all sussed out and you have only typed a few words.

dumpy

Your reaction seems a little over the top.

You sound as if things haven't worked out the way that you wanted them to. In your first post you said that when the pregnancy was announced your son said that you would be able to look after the child for one day a week. It sounds as if you were expecting this to happen and now it isn't, you are very disappointed.

It does sound like a girl/mum thing to me. I know my nephews and niece spend a lot more time with my SILs family than they do with my side of the family. My SIL feels a lot more relaxed with her family than with mine so she wants to see them more and yes my Mum does get very jealous about it. But what can she do? Nothing. She just has to get on with it and try and work with the family as best she can.

If you keep wanting to see the son on his own it sounds like you don't want her, you just want the child? Goobledejook had an interesting thread on demanding MILs recently.

*max*

It seems the OP has an "all or nothing" approach. She only wants to see her GS if she can be looking after him by herself AND he's awake. It's a very childish response. She can't have it her own way, so she won't have it at all, as if it was punishing them somehow. But the problem is, it's not working because they aren't playing along to her demands, and she's the only one who suffers out of it really.
It's called cutting off your nose to spite your face.

OP, if you want to see your GS, you have to have a relationship with his parents as well. Making demands isn't going to achieve that. He's THEIR child, not yours (again). You need to make the effort here, not them - they have already tried and you threw it back in their face. You need to come clean. Make an effort to see them ALL, not just your GS; invite them over for dinner maybe, ask your DIL round for a cuppa etc. You need to build up their trust in you.
If you continue making demands, or insisting that you are somehow "entitled" to look after him, you will end up NEVER seeing your GS. Awake or not. It's your call, really.

peachyprice

Jan, I see from other posts on this thread that you are/were a Health Visitor. Do you think there may be an element of your DIL finding that intimidating?

We've all had advice from HV's that we've taken with a pinch of salt, smiled and sworn never to follow as soon as the HV is out of the door. Perhaps your DIL feels that you will question her methods of raising her son and will criticise her for not doing things 'by the book'. Just a thought (I wouldn't want a HV for a MIL at times)

kimmi_b

Just a thought OP: How do you know that your grandson will be in bed when they have invited you round in the evening? Perhaps your son / DIL are hoping you can get to know his bedtime routine so that one day he could stay overnight?

I think a previous poster had a great idea by suggesting you go round in the evening just before baby goes to bed. If your DIL is bottle feeding, you could offer to give baby his bottle, if not read a bedtime story to him instead.

maisiescamp

Although you wouldn't be building a relationship so to speak if he was asleep, by looking after him anyway could go a long way to reassure your DIL that you are capable and it may open up other opportunities?

I also agree with the pp, that maybe she finds the fact that you are a HV a little intimidating especially as she is a first time mum?

From personal experience, I only ever left my children with my mum once at the most, in the first year of their lives as I just didn't like too. I also never ask my MIL to look after my children as she never does as I ask, criticises what I do and it is more hassle than it is worth. However as time has gone on, she has learnt that if she doesn't do it my way then she has VERY little contact with them at all.

Sadly my Mum recently passed away and therefore my MIL has had them a little bit more but only when I have needed her to not just for the sake of it. Sometimes she will ask if she can have them just because she would like too, but I always say no because I don't NEED them to be looked after and I really don't see the need in letting someone else have them when it is not necessary.

Loopy_Girl

Is there posts missing? I never noticed

RadoJo

I don't have kids myself, but all my friends who have kids have really appreciated people coming over when their kids are asleep, either so they can have some adult conversation, or sometimes because they want to be able to 'show off' the baby without worrying that they will have a crying fit, dominate the conversation etc. I would also be a little upset if my MIL refused to come over unless the baby was awake - as far as I am concerned we are already family, and if we have a baby it will be an addition to our relationship, so if she decided that she wasn't interested in seeing me while the baby was asleep, I would be gutted. You obviously have a difficult relationship with your DIL, but aren't you even interested in seeing your son unless the baby is awake?

red_devil

maisiescamp wrote: »

Although you wouldn't be building a relationship so to speak if he was asleep, by looking after him anyway could go a long way to reassure your DIL that you are capable and it may open up other opportunities?

I also agree with the pp, that maybe she finds the fact that you are a HV a little intimidating especially as she is a first time mum?

From personal experience, I only ever left my children with my mum once at the most, in the first year of their lives as I just didn't like too. I also never ask my MIL to look after my children as she never does as I ask, criticises what I do and it is more hassle than it is worth. However as time has gone on, she has learnt that if she doesn't do it my way then she has VERY little contact with them at all.

Sadly my Mum recently passed away and therefore my MIL has had them a little bit more but only when I have needed her to not just for the sake of it. Sometimes she will ask if she can have them just because she would like too, but I always say no because I don't NEED them to be looked after and I really don't see the need in letting someone else have them when it is not necessary.

so its on your terms only when you need them looked after not when she would like it!
You may have grandkids one day i think its nice for family members to have children over because they want to spend time with them. Aso the grandkids might like it.