Help seeing a male's point of view?

Siemo

If you've been together 5 years you must have talked about where this relationship is going. If it's 'serious' - i.e. together forever/marriage/whatever - then this seems unbelievably petty on his part. If you're a partnership you shouldn't have to be asking him for money, he should be happy to share everything and pay more than his share if he's earning more. Why should he be building up savings/buying stuff for himself when you're getting into debt?! That's not a partnership, it sounds more like he wants to be flat mates. If that's what he wants then you're better off without him.

74jax

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

What about your social life - does he take you out or does he make you go halves on this as well?

I don't really go out that much as I don't have money to go out with. It's coming up to summer and so can't really justify a night out when I have my daughter wanting to do thing over Summer.

This though isn't a problem, and is my choice. If we went to the pics or somewhere then we would most probably half it. Like I said before he moved in there was no problem whatsoever as I had about £60 'surplus' money a month and so could go out and didn't mind.

However now, I just can't so it's not really an issue. I wouldn't say to him though let's go out for a meal as I don't have any money and wouldn't expect him to pay for me, just because I fancied going out - if you know what I mean.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I knew you didn't mean your personal bills but I thought the use of the word "my" in this context was rather telling.

Why doesn't he pay half the food bills as well?

He pays for his food, I pay for mine and my daughters. I get CSA and don't expect him to have to contribute to anything for her.

mikey72

I haven't done the figures, but I wouldn't anyway.
We've never had separate bank accounts, and never kept score, we both earn, we both pay the bills, we both spend.
We don't even do the his and her car, insurance etc.
Even if you keep the finances separate, if he is committed he shouldn't be watching you get further and further into debt, if him moving in had actually made you worse off and he won’t' do anything, sling him back out.

74jax

rachelh81 wrote: »

If you've been together 5 years you must have talked about where this relationship is going. If it's 'serious' - i.e. together forever/marriage/whatever - then this seems unbelievably petty on his part. If you're a partnership you shouldn't have to be asking him for money, he should be happy to share everything and pay more than his share if he's earning more. Why should he be building up savings/buying stuff for himself when you're getting into debt?! That's not a partnership, it sounds more like he wants to be flat mates. If that's what he wants then you're better off without him.

Again it all wasn't an issue when we didn't live together, I don't mind how much he earns etc. he has a good job and was lucky enough to land the job he has. He likes ot save and splash out on surfboards kites etc. It does sometimes make me think when he says he's just bought a new board for £700 and I think that's 2 months pay for me. But it's just how we are. I'm not extravagant at all and don't have hobbies, so it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

It's his money, he can save or spend it as he wishes. That stays the same whether we live together or not.

The only problem I have is the fact i asked to proportion the bills but he thinks this is only 'fair' if we both work the same hours.

jakem_2

Sorry but I cant see it from a male's point of view, I can only see it from yours, as I was in a similar situation, and this was my husband, this was one of the deciding factors that decided for me we had to split.

Its the old chesnut here, but your in a patnership, and you have a low paid or low hours job but not really through choice, you have lost a lot of benifits in being honest and declaring he lis living with you, you are doing all the housework/ cooking/cleaning/shopping/ironing etc, I did exactly the same when I was in full time work or if i didnt have any work, I did the garden/decorating/cleaning windows as well, you name it I did it, but yet he resented giving me any money, and like you I hated to ask him, yet he earned mega bucks compared to what I earned. like I said this is one of the factors, and him being a selfish lazy !!!!!! to boot.
Its been a few months now, am back again working, my bills are halved, my chores are halved, (dont have his mess to clean up after) and my stress levels are way down, I have never felt or looked better so I have been told lol.

Personally I would tell him straight, and show him what you have lost, and how you are struggling, then suggest he goes back to his own place if he wants to be selfish with regards to helping you.

justjohn

hi OP

kick him out...sorry.

i have skim read.

You have been a couple for a while. He is selfish. You are a couple fact or i assume you think so. As such your child is part of you. He takes that responsibility on also.

kick him to the curb or tell him too buck his ideas up.

Wilma33

74jax wrote: »

The first month he moved in I don't think I got his £350 until maybe the 2nd or 3rd week as I just didn't like to keep reminding him, it is just him though, he forgets.

This gets worse! You can't even rely on the little money he does pay.

If you are going to let him stay (and I wouldn't) then at least make him set up a standing order for a fair amount that covers everything on his pay day (so you don't have to ask for money for his food etc).

Mrs_justjohn

I do not propose to get into the whole debate of how the OP is better/worse off financially or who should pay what proportion of the bills - I would tend to look at the bigger picture.

When your partner got with you he accepted your child - you came as a package. As far as I can see you are worse off for him living there - you now have an extra mouth to feed an extra creator of mess, more cooking, ironing etc....for which you receive nothing back for (financially or in support). You can NOT afford to have him living with you - simply explain that if he can not contribute more then he has to move back out until such time as you can afford to have him living there! To employ a cook, cleaner, waitress, someone to do the ironing etc....would cost him in the region of £40k+ a year if he is not prepared to get his hands dirty himself - point that out to him!

I am by no means a mad feminist....I wash, cook, clean and look after my partner (in every way possible) but in return he appreciates and shows his gratitude daily. He sits down to family meals...plays with my two kids (from a previous marriage) and supports us ALL as a family. All of our money goes into a joint bank account and all bills come out of that account BEFORE divvying up what is left.

I don't think the problem is the financial side of this relationship - I think the realtionship itself is flawed - if the OPs Partner can not see that he has put additional strain on her by moving in and is not prepared to do anyhing to ease that strain when it is well within his power there are problems.

I may be way off the mark here but to me it looks like he has commitment issues and is ensuring that he can walk away whenever he feels like it, and the only person whose life and finances are in a state is the OP

*max*

74jax wrote: »

The only problem I have is the fact i asked to proportion the bills but he thinks this is only 'fair' if we both work the same hours.

Eh? So it's fair that you pay in the same as him, when you earn about a third of what he does? It's "fair" that you end up worse off and in debt, while he ends up better off?

Would he be paying £420 all inclusive a month if he lived alone? He needs to realise that he's the only one who's actually benefitting from the deal here, does he think that's fair? If he was paying a bit more in than you, he would still be better off than if he lived alone. He sounds very stingy. Not attractive, is it?

mikey72

Mrs_justjohn wrote: »

I do not propose to get into the whole debate of how the OP is better/worse off financially or who should pay what proportion of the bills - I would tend to look at the bigger picture.

When your partner got with you he accepted your child - you came as a package. As far as I can see you are worse off for him living there - you now have an extra mouth to feed an extra creator of mess, more cooking, ironing etc....for which you receive nothing back for (financially or in support). You can NOT afford to have him living with you - simply explain that if he can not contribute more then he has to move back out until such time as you can afford to have him living there! To employ a cook, cleaner, waitress, someone to do the ironing etc....would cost him in the region of £40k+ a year if he is not prepared to get his hands dirty himself - point that out to him!

I am by no means a mad feminist....I wash, cook, clean and look after my partner (in every way possible) but in return he appreciates and shows his gratitude daily. He sits down to family meals...plays with my two kids (from a previous marriage) and supports us ALL as a family. All of our money goes into a joint bank account and all bills come out of that account BEFORE divvying up what is left.

I don't think the problem is the financial side of this relationship - I think the realtionship itself is flawed - if the OPs Partner can not see that he has put additional strain on her by moving in and is not prepared to do anyhing to ease that strain when it is well within his power there are problems.

I may be way off the mark here but to me it looks like he has commitment issues and is ensuring that he can walk away whenever he feels like it, and the only person whose life and finances are in a state is the OP

He appears to have accepted they came as a package, he's not paying for either of them.