Help seeing a male's point of view?

74jax

I worked 18 hours and managed to pay bills etc and bring up my daughter fine, pay mortgage, have a holiday, save etc.

My partner moved in a couple of months ago so Tax Credits stopped. We agreed to half the household bills and food and see how we went.

Subsequently I'm struggling badly. I'm bring in around £750 a month and he brings in a little more than 2k.

I asked him if we could portion the bills as to what our incomes are so that he pays 2/3rds and I pay a third whilst I look for a full time job.

My daughter comes in from school at 3pm and so I didn't want to have to work until 5pm every day as didn't think it fair for her just yet, so when a job in my office came up for full time but with flexi-time, I went for it. Meaning I can start work at 7.30am and be home for around 4pm.

Partner has said today he agrees with portioning the bills when we both work 37 hours as it's not fair that he earns more. But when I'm only working 18 hours it's not right as I'm at home for 2 days so why should he pay for me to be at home.

I'm struggling to see his side and so need help here please. I said we're a partnership now and what comes in should be to help us both. I'm building up a high mastercard debt at the moment as I just can't make ends meet. My household income now is around 50k with me just bringing in £6100 and it's hard.

Even today he asked me to return something for him but said it would need an envelope, so trip to the post office and ok envelope was only 73p and postage £2.40 or so, but it had to go on my card, as I am overdrawn and don't have the money. He knew I was overdrawn and had a huge mastercard bill and it's hard to think that he was ok with me just adding to it.

We have been going out for 5 years and I have never asked him for money, if we go out it's always 50/50, it's only now he's moved in that I'm struggling so hard and so asked him for help which is when he said what he did. It seems he's happy to help me when I work full tiime and don't really need it, but not when I work part time and do need it.

He had his own flat, bought outright so no mortgage and is looking to rent it out, but he will pay 40% tax on any rent so isn't sure what to do at the moment.

Am I being unreasonable that I think he should support me if we both live together?. I have said should anything happen with his work etc i would be more than prepared to support him as i believe that's what couples do. He says we're not married so it doesn't work like that now.

It took me a month to ask for his help, as I don't like asking him for money and now just wish i hadn't and had carried on adding things to my mastercard until a time i can clear it.

Fang_3

Unless the Tax Credits doubled your income, I'm not sure how you're in this situation. He's paying 50% which I think is fair in this situation, especially as he's paying for both you and your child's expenses in the home.

In my view if you were in a serious relationship and heading for marriage, or he was the father, then proportional bills would be right and proper. But at the moment, it doesn't seem to be this way, and maybe he feels that he's being used for his money and that by moving in you're expecting him to support you and your child to have a lifestyle that you couldn't otherwise afford.

I can see his point in that he works full time and you're choosing to work fewer hours in order to have a lifestyle that is better for you and your daughter, but look at it from his point of view - he's moved in to your house and previously everything has been split 50:50 but now you're expecting him to pay more so that you can work less. That doesn't seem fair.

hngrymummy

Why not work out how much a child minder would cost for the hours that your spend looking after DD. Then show him exactly how much you'll be saving.

Do you share the cooking, or do you do more than he does? Do you share the cleaning equally? Can you see where this is going? He can't expect you to share the bills equally even though you're on lower wage if he won't share the housework, cooking, childcare etc equally even though you're at home more. You're time rich, he's money rich, so you need to divide up bills and housework according to what you can give to the relationship. Living together is about more than just money.

This should be a partnership where you suport each other, not try and figure out who used the most hot water or electricity and who pays what according to how much they earn/how many hours they work. That is why joint accounts save so much hassle. Money goes in from both people, bills come out. No arguments about dividing the bills.

*max*

I don't understand. Presumably, if he moved in with you, he should be paying half the mortgage that you were paying alone previously? So that's a lot less coming out of your income?
How much higher can the bills get with one more person in the household? Plus, he's paying half of those too. I really don't get why you're struggling now worse than before.
If anything, you should be better off....
Can you clarify maybe?

74jax

Fang wrote: »

Unless the Tax Credits doubled your income, I'm not sure how you're in this situation. He's paying 50% which I think is fair in this situation, especially as he's paying for both you and your child's expenses in the home.

In my view if you were in a serious relationship and heading for marriage, or he was the father, then proportional bills would be right and proper. But at the moment, it doesn't seem to be this way, and maybe he feels that he's being used for his money and that by moving in you're expecting him to support you and your child to have a lifestyle that you couldn't otherwise afford.

I can see his point in that he works full time and you're choosing to work fewer hours in order to have a lifestyle that is better for you and your daughter, but look at it from his point of view - he's moved in to your house and previously everything has been split 50:50 but now you're expecting him to pay more so that you can work less. That doesn't seem fair.

Previously I got £501 tax credits, he pays me £350.00 so I have that difference to make up, also my Council has increased by £100.

I'm currently putting around £100 a month on mastercard which I guess is the difference from tax credits to what i'm getting now.

Unfortunately I'm not choosing to work 18 hours over more hours. I worked 30 hours a week but was made redundant, so I basically took the first job I could (rightly or wrongly but I think I paniced as I've never not worked before) and so ended up with an 18 hour job rather than none.

I see what you mean, but I would still stand by the fact I would support him if he was made redundant and/or had to reduce his hours.

I would also say he doesn't provide for my daughter, I do all of that, he just pays half the bills for him living here. He doesn't provide me with a lifestyle that I wouldn't have without him, as if he lived in his own place I would be around £200 better off.

hngrymummy

probably because she's honest and declared him as living there, so she'll lose a great big pile of benefits

74jax

hngrymummy wrote: »

Why not work out how much a child minder would cost for the hours that your spend looking after DD. Then show him exactly how much you'll be saving.

Do you share the cooking, or do you do more than he does? Do you share the cleaning equally? Can you see where this is going? He can't expect you to share the bills equally even though you're on lower wage if he won't share the housework, cooking, childcare etc equally even though you're at home more. You're time rich, he's money rich, so you need to divide up bills and housework according to what you can give to the relationship. Living together is about more than just money.

This should be a partnership where you suport each other, not try and figure out who used the most hot water or electricity and who pays what according to how much they earn/how many hours they work. That is why joint accounts save so much hassle. Money goes in from both people, bills come out. No arguments about dividing the bills.

He doesn't do any household chores. I do the cleaning, washing, ironing etc. He has a meal on the table when he comes home, but he goes kitesurfing a lot of the time so I don't have a meal with him on a nightime all the time. But will leave one on a plate for him to reheat.

Soubrette

Do you do most of the housework? I work part time and OH works full time (I have older children but still feel it's good to be around when they get home from school) but part of the deal is that I do more housework and homestuff (including DIY). I'm also the moneysaver.

DON79

try writing it all down before he moved in and then after he moved in and show him in figures perhaps?? I think he should pay more if things like council tax have doubled - maybe he doesn't realise how much you have lost in tax credits and other benefits? It is about more than the money but you should not get yourself in extra debt if you can help it as it won't get any better as the months go on.

Dumbledore55

I think he should pay for what you lost in benefits when he moved in and a share of the bills. If your Council Tax has gone up £100 per month then he should pay that too. Why should you get less money or pay more because he's moved in. I don't think he should pay half the mortgage unless you put his name on the house.

RAS

This situation is not sustainable. I think he needs to move back out until such time as you can sort out a deal that makes it affordable for him to live with you.