Help seeing a male's point of view?

Nixxx

I really wanted to play devil's advocate here as I felt the OP's OH was being given a very hard time but I still can't get over the fact that you told him you were struggling and asked for his help and he did not help.

Anyway, here is my two penneth

Is it possible that you played down the situation (asking for help) and tried to make it lighthearted because you were uncomfortable asking him for money which may had led him not realising the gravity of the situation.

Has he offered to pay for things in the past and have you made a point of him not doing so (e.g. thats not your job to pay for things its my ex OH?)

Do you guys behave as a family and do things together as a family (including your daughter - i.e. watch a dvd etc) or are you exactly the same as before you moved in (so he is effectively a lodger).

For those of you who say kick him out/dump him etc etc, yes her OH has not behaved in a perfect way but he has tried to make amends once she made him realise. Maybe he is just a penny pinching so and so but I get the impression that the OP knew that before he moved in and this is the way he is.

I think there just needs to be a lot more honest communication between you two if you are going to survive. In support of the OP, I bet most of us have compromised our thought process on something just to keep the peace.

I am in no way trying to justify the behaviour of the OH as presented on this thread but until both sides and views are known it is very difficult to cast complete judgement on this situation.
I do however believe that you need to show this thread to your OH as this situation will rear its ugly head in the future if you do not deal with it now.

Also to add, the OP did not ask us what she should do, she was merely trying to understand her OH's opinion.

Zazen999

74jax wrote: »

He doesn't do any household chores. I do the cleaning, washing, ironing etc. He has a meal on the table when he comes home, but he goes kitesurfing a lot of the time so I don't have a meal with him on a nightime all the time. But will leave one on a plate for him to reheat.

*Louise* wrote: »

Edited to add: I have read the whole thread and you don't say how much he contributes to the housework? Does he do 50% of that as well? Or is he one of those people who doesn't think it constitutes 'real work'?

None! :eek::eek:

hannah-j_3

OP, I hope you spend some time re-reading what has been posted and take in what has been said.

On a different angle, say you don't, and you muddle on for a few years like this, then your daughter leaves School in four years (just lets say) so you no longer get maintenance, maybe she gives you a little to contribute to her upkeep, but how will you manage then?

I know from first hand experiance that if you accept this situation from the start you will have so many mountains to climb to make it how it should be.

You are always going to have to ask if you need anything and you shouldn't have to, you really do need to stop walking on egg shells with him, stop letting it build up to a point where he ends up giving you the money to the last exact penny and then you being too proud to take it out of principle ( I SO relate to this).

My advice, work out how much you're 'down' because of him, work out how much he 'costs' then work out how much what you do is worth, tell him one round figure a month you need and then let him go if he isn't prepared to part with it.

He really isn't the only man in the world. There are much better out there.

Allegra

He isn't mildly autistic by any chance, is he ? Cos if he was, suddenly his behaviour would make perfect sense.... And would require completely different approach from you.

Of course, he could just be a selfish inconsiderate tightwad pig - but why the hell would you be with him if that was the case ? On the assumption that he has something going for him and that he is a valuable addition to your family life.... Do you think you could talk to him about the inequality of your relationship contributions (not just the finances, but the whole caboodle) in a completely businesslike, unemotional way ?

I get the impression that at the moment you see the way he has reacted to the issue as a slight on yourself, very emotive and hurtful - and his reaction to your returning the money makes me think that he just does not get why you feel that way, which might mean that he has no desire to make you feel that way, and might just feel slighted and bewildered by the way you have reacted.

So on the assumption that what you have is worth saving - try to talk without getting emotional about it, and see if he does actually want to make things work for all three of you, not just himself - but I do have to say that if you do go for it, and it does not work, I'd warmly advise you to ditch the ruddy millstone of a bloke.

Mind you, even if it did turn out that he is wired in a rather more linear fashion than the majority of people, and that finding a way to talk to him in a language he does understand achieves the desired result - I'd still, if I was you, question the wisdom of acquiring yet another child to look after, this one installed in a spot that should be reserved for a supportive adult. You may not be married, as he keeps pointing out, but if he does not grasp the point of "for better, for worse", then really - what is the point of him ?

donnaessex

I've pm'd you my love. xxx

mikey72

donnaessex wrote: »

I've pm'd you my love. xxx

She's 35, she's read all the posts, I think she knows what she's doing by now.

thistledome

Poor OP, she's getting nagged to death!

I've been trying to see this from boyfriend's point of view, just as Devil's Advocate. I'm not a bloke, but here's my best effort (yes, I know - I've got way too much time on my hands and no life:o):

Help Seeing a Female's Point of View?

Posted by Confused_Boyfriend:

I moved in with my girlfriend and her 12 yr old daughter two months ago. We have been seeing each other for 5 years and we decided that moving in together seemed the logical next step. We discussed the finances beforehand and both knew that we’d be worse off, but agreed a fair way to share the expenses. I pay half of all the bills and for my own food, although it’s her house, I don’t mind paying half the mortgage. My own flat is mortgage free and I lived pretty cheaply there.

She has always been very proud of paying her own way, to the extent that we didn’t go out if she couldn’t afford it (even though I always offered to pay, she wouldn’t accept it). She also insists on paying for her Daughter and gets help from her ex in this regard. Tbh, I don’t really feel like a “stepdad” as such - she has a Dad already. They are very much a unit and I don’t have any children of my own, I feel a bit outside of it at times. I work in the video games industry and get her the best and latest games when I can. She’s more like a little sister I suppose.

GF currently works part time, but that’s only temporary and will be working full time again soon (she was made redundant from her old full time job). She does all the housework and cooks, although I’m not there every night to eat it. We don’t go out much because she doesn’t like to go out when she hasn’t much money, but I buy her flowers and the odd takeway and wine.

Everything seemed to be going along great and I thought we were both happy.

She did say something the other week about “boyfriend moves in and I have to double my hours…”, but I thought she was joking as it was said in a very light-hearted way. However, it seems that she has been brooding about money since I moved in and secretly resents the fact that I have more money than her.

Out of the blue the other day she said she was struggling for money and I’d need to pay more. She’d decided that she wants me to pay 2/3rds of the bills! Where did that come from? I said it wouldn't be fair for me to pay even more than I do now - just so she can stay at home while I have to go out working. Is it my fault she doesn't earn much? She’ll be starting full time hours soon anyway. If she still can’t manage then, we’ll review the situation again. I can't help but wonder if she has decided she doesn't want to go back to full time work and wants me to pay her to stay at home? Am I being taken for a mug?

I thought about it later and wondered if I was being unreasonable and I did send her some extra money but she sent it straight back, she was annoyed that I’d worked out how much I owed her or something. I can’t win! Apparently she is also annoyed that she had to ask for extra money, but how else could I know?

I think her Daughter is also upset with me, but I don’t know why - just seems to be a bit of an atmosphere…

I’m starting to feel like a lodger here. I didn't realise that money was so important to her. Am I in the wrong?

Would be good if he really did post on here. Without his side of the story it's impossible to know how he feels about it. Does seem a bit immature and mean though, tbh.

sandraroffey

my exhusband always kept me short of money. i had to ask for every single thing. right down to personal items. if he said no, i didnt get. they dont change you know. and you grow to hate them!!!!!!!!!!

its their way of being in control.

Nixxx

Excellent post thistledome, that is what i was trying to say but you put it much better! :T

mikey72

sandraroffey wrote: »

my exhusband always kept me short of money. i had to ask for every single thing. right down to personal items. if he said no, i didnt get. they dont change you know. and you grow to hate them!!!!!!!!!!

its their way of being in control.

What did you do with the money you earnt?