We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.

This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.

📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!

Help seeing a male's point of view?

1222325272832

Comments

  • the_cat
    the_cat Posts: 2,176 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    74jax wrote: »
    We talked last night it is sorted for now. I agree'd to 50/50 split - this is what was originally agreed, I asked for more as i was struggling but it's not worth the problems it has raised.

    I will clear my debt in a few months when I work fulltime.


    It hasn't caused the problems in itself though has it? Rather it has brought to the surface problems that were already there........ and will still be there if you ignore them and bury your head in the sand

    The major issue has nothing to do with money. You see yourselves as a partnership and a couple and he does not. He is not prepared to help you when in need, even though it would only be for a matter of weeks! That speaks volumes about how deeply he feels about you

    I doubt very much if this is something that you can push down under the surface for the rest of your life and I don't think you should. You will never be truly happy with a 'half-relationship' and he does not seem prepared to commit.

    Sadly though, I suspect that for now at least you will do precisely that
  • Jomo
    Jomo Posts: 8,253 Forumite
    I'd be well shot.

    If only because he won't recalculate his payments using the new bills in place ie. Council tax....

    I've known people like that...controlling...especially where money is concerned!
  • DavidF
    DavidF Posts: 498 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Combo Breaker
    This is going to be my final reply in this thread as it "seems" you have already decided to roll over and accept this. Couple of points
    1. You and your daughter come as a package.....And after 5 years he shouldn't need telling to buy a bloody birthday gift for goodness sake.
    2. He sounds like he wants to run the house like a business - That in my opinion is not the "right" way to do things when you are a couple.
    3. Him giving you the money in the manner her did (to the penny) was a childish attempt to make you react......and believe it or not you reacted exactly the way he wanted...he got his play money back...mistake in my book.
    4. Him moving in to YOUR HOME has cost YOU and your DD money. This isnt acceptable. Don't really need to say more than that TBH.
    5. If your BF was my brother and recounted this story to me in real life from his selfish perspective then he would get a swift clip round the ear and would be told in no uncertain terms what the "score" is. Perhaps he needs a "Birds & Bees" chat and I dont regard that chat to be about a bit of the other lol. Birds and Bees to me is the learning process about life/respect/love/sharing/commitment I could go on but im pretty certain you must know what I am getting at.

    Honestly if he were my brother his ear would be so red and thick at this moment he would be happy to open that wallet.
    Im not saying you need to split up...far from it If you are happy then do what you can to get things sorted out. But please don't just roll over and accept being a doormat because the thing about human nature is when we find a doormat we walk on it without thinking (Man and Woman alike) Sometimes we can do this without thinking but it wouldn't happen if the doormat screamed just once in a while.
  • Spendless
    Spendless Posts: 24,809 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper
    74jax wrote: »
    We talked last night it is sorted for now. I agree'd to 50/50 split - this is what was originally agreed, I asked for more as i was struggling but it's not worth the problems it has raised.

    I will clear my debt in a few months when I work fulltime.
    And when you do work f-time what will you do if your OH comes home, having been made redundant/taken a salary cut/fallen long term ill? Will you treat him in the same way, and keep your money to yourself even though he'd not be getting the same income? No, thought no. YOU wouldn't treat someone like this. Look for someone else who shares your values, hopes and dreams.
  • andrealm
    andrealm Posts: 1,689 Forumite
    Funny how he insists you split bills etc 50/50 but not housework.:cool:
    When you both work full time will he be offering to do 50% of the housework?

    I find it incredible that someone in a live in relationship is willing to see you get into debt paying the bills while he saves £1000 a month, especially as it's only a few weeks until you go full time.

    Ask yourself, and him, this. Why have your tax credits been reduced?
    answer: because your partner has moved in and so your household income has increased considerably. Any decent partner in a loving relationship wouldn't need to be asked to make a proper contribution to the household budget. You should not be left worse off because he has moved in.

    Give him beans on toast every night for his dinner and when he complains tell him you had no money left to buy anything else.
    Forget to do his laundry, when he runs out of clean clothes, he'll ask if you've done it, keep forgetting to do it, when he asks again, sigh and say, oh I'll do your washing if you want me to.

    Or send him a bill (to the penny of course) for cooking, cleaning, laundry etc. Remember to calculate the time you spend on housework on the two days you have "off"
  • Becciboobah
    Becciboobah Posts: 125 Forumite
    Quite simply, this thread is a waste of time. You've asked our opinion, we've given it to you and you're still making excuses for the waste of space. You are being made a mug of and are letting him do it. You know the score, hence anything that happens now is as a result of your own spinelessness. I'm sorry to be so rude BUT any man that's willing to see you struggle while he sits on his backside enjoying his savings is an a$%^&*£e and needs to be told so. And quickly kicked out so you can meet someone who respects you.
    ;);) Better to say nothing and look a fool than to speak and remove all doubt :D:D
  • DigitalJedi
    DigitalJedi Posts: 951 Forumite
    OP. Your relationship is doomed. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but some day.

    Look, you've been together for a long time now. You are living together like man & wife. You gotta start acting like it. Splitting things 50-50 when there's such a difference in earnings simply wont work.
  • mikey72
    mikey72 Posts: 14,680 Forumite
    It's not 50/50, though. You're giving 150% of your wages by paying for things you don't have the money for, and he's probably giving about 20%, if you're lucky. It wouldn't come down to the money any more for me, it wou;ld come down to the fact that he's controlling and selfish, asking you to beg for the money and then not giving you it. I'd boot him out now, before I got into any further debt over him and before it got more difficult to

    How do you come to the conclusion he's controlling? It's a popular insult on here, but the op hasn't even hinted he's tried to control her.
    gwhizz75 wrote: »
    I think that you have had overwhelmingly similar responses from the majority of posters, both male and female. Basically, the problems in your relationship run far deeper than finance and I think if you sat down and thought about it, you would see that quite clearly. If you had only been together for a year or so, it would be different... but if I was with someone for 5 years and he wouldn't commit to living like a family (what's mine is yours etc), then I would feel it was time to end the relationship. It sounds like his attitude towards YOUR daughter stinks too.

    What you said about him offering to pay for trips to the cinema/meals out by saying "I can pay if you want" really spoke volumes to me. I'm sure he realises what you are like and that you are too proud, and too afraid of being seen as a moneygrabber to say "yes please". Phrasing it like that is just manipulative, as is making you ask for money rather than offering it to you (and sending the money over to you in the amounts that he did). He sounds very immature for his age and I can't believe any man could spend £700 on a kitesurfing board, while simultaneously watching their partner of 5 years get into debt through no fault of their own. You say he is saving £1000 a month, what is he saving that for? His future? Or your future together? You and your daughter deserve better.

    Sounds perfectly fine to me, it's a statement that he still wants to go out, and is offering to pay.
    Tell him that making amends usually starts with a 'sorry, how can I make things right?'

    Tell him you're not a bill that is paid to the nearest penny and being treated like one makes you feel like an irritant.

    Then you tell him that if you can't sit down like adults and feel like he is listening and absorbing what you say to him then he may as well move out. You don't need to feel alone whilst in a relationship. You can do that all by yourself without him.

    Reading the responses I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. The op has made it clear she has always refused to ask for money, always wants to pay her way, wouldn't go out if her bf offered to pay, so of course he is going to send the exact amount, in case he upsets her. Then she even sent that back, after saying she was short of cash.
    How can he win?
    Pride comes before a fall, and the op certainly seems proud with regard to money, I don't know any of their interactions, but I don't think either of them talk about money well.
    I think a sit down and re-assessment of household expenditure is needed though, and both have to admit the initial budget was flawed.
    The op has to accept that she has to start asking for money, as her bf knows she is too proud to accept it, so I doubt he'll be offering.
  • Hi

    I would seriously think about this relationship. He doesn't appear to think about this new living arrangement as a family but more like a set of flatmates. I would sit him down and talk to him about the whole relationship and not just money.

    My friend grew up in a household like this. Her Mum really struggled, she couldn't afford to let her stay on at school or anything and all the time her "setpdad" was living it up, earning a good wage and apart from the rent, paying nothing towards the house and certainly nothing towards her upkeep although he was her stepdad from a very young age. This has seriously messed my friend up regards money and relationships. She has never forgiven her Mum for letting him treat both of them like that.

    On a practical level he has a flat with no mortgage. Why don't you all move in their and then you can rent out your home? You will still have a house as a safety net but it will help your financial situation,

    Best of Luck.
  • libra10
    libra10 Posts: 19,718 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Reading the thread I think your OH is selfish and has a bad attitude.

    He doesn't seem committed to the relationship; you would definitely be much better off single.

    Sending best wishes for the future.
This discussion has been closed.
Meet your Ambassadors

🚀 Getting Started

Hi new member!

Our Getting Started Guide will help you get the most out of the Forum

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
  • 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 454.2K Spending & Discounts
  • 245.2K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 600.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 177.5K Life & Family
  • 259K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 16K Discuss & Feedback
  • 37.7K Read-Only Boards

Is this how you want to be seen?

We see you are using a default avatar. It takes only a few seconds to pick a picture.