Help seeing a male's point of view?

74jax

donnaessex wrote: »

I absolutely agree with you. It makes far more sense (to me) to pay 50% when you are working full time, not when you're working 18 hours a week!

Would you mind answering my earlier point about how long you are planning on giving this living arrangement before you decide whether its working or not?

Is he much younger than you? Does he have any children of his own?

Hopefully my fulltime position should start in around 3-4 weeks, so I can clear my debt once I start getting paid. This has only become an issue this week when I asked him for help - maybe I should have asked sooner but I put things on my credit card etc rather than ask as I have never asked in the past and we did agree to 50/50. Once I'm working fulltime I can't see a problem regarding me having spare money. My issues now that have been brought up from this whole situation need addressing though ie what happens if I loose my job, how much can I rely on him for etc.

He isn't younger than me. Both 35. He doesn't have any children.

donnaessex

Thanks 74jax. So, now for some personal questions - ignore if you feel I'm probing too much.

Are you a couple in every sense? Do you enjoy each others company, do you have similar interests, can you talk to one another easily? You mentioned that he buys you flowers - my husband NEVER buys me flowers!!! But romance and love aren't measured in material presents. Is he romantic? Are you romantic?

I guess my question is do you honestly see this as a relationship where you will stay together forever? If not, then you should start planning for single life again. You've done it before, you can do it again and both you and your daughter can move on.

However, if you DO love each other (and by that I mean he loves your daughter too) and you cant imagine being apart, then situations like what you are experiencing now have to be addressed, and fast.

justjohn

No wonder men have such a hard time understanding women. Most illogical and blind attitude to life sometimes.


i am just speechless and have nothing else to say on this matter.

I wish you all the best 74jax, and hope you can sort things out

kittiej

The fact that you only work 18 hours should mean that he makes up the extra for the 2 days you don't work imo - so he should pay 2/3.

Look, it's your home he's moved into and you should be telling him what's what and if he doesn't like it then he knows where the door is.

You shouldn't have to be made to work full time if you don't want to, the only people who should make people do that are the Government, so if your Tax Credits were withdrawn then fair enough.

Why are you letting this man get away with treating you like this?

If it were me I'd tell him we've tried the living together thing now and it's not for me, I'd like to go back to how we were before.

If he takes offence then too bad and at 35 you have plenty of time to consider living together at a future date.

Do you want me to come and have a word with him? :rotfl:

Mrs_justjohn

justjohn wrote: »

No wonder men have such a hard time understanding women. Most illogical and blind attitude to life sometimes.


i am just speechless and have nothing else to say on this matter.

I wish you all the best 74jax, and hope you can sort things out

In case people have not made the connection with our user names.....I am indeed Justjohns other half.....we have both been posting on this thread and seem of the same opinion. I have to say that whilst I do not subscribe to the whole men are from mars and women are from venus theory I am similarly at a loss to understand the OP's decision to remain in this relationship when clearly both her and her BF have such different views on things...commitment, marriage, joint bank accounts, hobbies, money, responsibilities...etc...

I think the OP needs to rethink things. Was she happier when she was single? Or was she happier when she had a partner but he lived in his own flat? Or is she happier now he is living there but she is getting in debt?

Once she has decided that she has a base to work from/to.

Flaws in a relationship are heightened/more obvious once you have moved in together - It is my belief that these flaws have always been there and the OP has known about them but now she has to 'live with them' they are causing a problem. So if that is the case something has to give...at the moment it is the OP (and her daughter) that is giving - but that is not right.

Glitzkiss

When you go back to working full-time I hope you'll be splitting the household tasks 70:30 instead of doing them all yourself. After all it's only fair to portion tasks/bills when you're both working 37 hrs

kittiej

Who looks after your daughter when you go to work full time?

I hope you won't have to pay for chilcare because you'll be in the same predicament money wise and with the extra person - if he doesn't do his share of the housework then you are going to get bogged down. Trust me I know because I work full time and it always looks like a bomb has dropped when I get home with my 2 boys and my lovely husband lol.

Jomo

74jax wrote: »

He knows that him moving in is making me more and more in debt each month with no means of paying it off as obviously each month I go further in debt.

He has no mortgage on his appartment and can save approx 1k a month, all i wanted was a little help for a few months until I was able to go full time.

I did joke it's not often you move youre bloke in and you're so worse off you have to double your hours..........

Really? He sounds like a right loser and downright selfish bu***r to me!

Jomo

mrbrightside842 wrote: »

It's not 50/50, though. You're giving 150% of your wages by paying for things you don't have the money for, and he's probably giving about 20%, if you're lucky. It wouldn't come down to the money any more for me, it wou;ld come down to the fact that he's controlling and selfish, asking you to beg for the money and then not giving you it. I'd boot him out now, before I got into any further debt over him and before it got more difficult to

Hammer, nail and head!!!

gratefulforhelp_2

RAS wrote: »

This situation is not sustainable. I think he needs to move back out until such time as you can sort out a deal that makes it affordable for him to live with you.

Yup.

whitewing wrote: »

I wouldn't build up debt over a man, particularly one I had been seeing for 5 years. Why did he move in? Doesn't sound like a loving relationship?

To be honest I think you can do better. (Nb it's not the amount of money so much as the apparent lack of communication / lack of commitment to longterm happiness of you and DD)

and again.

74jax wrote: »

This is what I've suggested, but he thinks it inly works paying a percentage when you both work the same hours.

It isn't very loving, is it? BTW not male, so female POV here.