Help seeing a male's point of view?

74jax

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh (I am a Fang fan after all), but did you not discuss finances before he moved in? Did you not not sit down and work everything out? Did you not realise, splitting everything 50/50, you would be worse off?

If it were me moving and we had agreed how much I would be contributing, then you decided you wanted more then I'd be pretty p1ssed off as well.

I think this is his point. We did work it out, we would both be much worse off but still chose to go ahead and live together. After 5 years it was where the relationship was moving to.

I worked out bills etc however I didn't take into account the things that crop up, ie stupidly I thought my council tax would go up but missed the 25% deduction for single adults. Then split the bills. I bring in around £400 a month, half the bills is £350 so can cover that. It's my fault I missed off my bills entirely. And I do hold my hands up, hence that is why I decided I can't manage and have found a full time job. I did not expect him to pay forever. I asked for help as I really needed it.

But I wholeheartedly agree, I think we decided on 50/50 and now I'm asking for more. Like you say, he has a right to be pretty p!ssed off.

myothercarisaferrari

so why not swallow your pride and talk to him about it, rather than texting and sending his money back? He has given to it you, yes a bit childish the way he did it, but you have sent it back so he has every right to say he cant win?

seriously think you need to be grown up about it.

74jax

heretolearn wrote: »

Ok, Ive sat back and looked at all this a bit more dispassionately.

The issues I can see are

1) He's stated that living together is a less serious relationship than marriage. Do you agree? You need to make sure that you are both looking at this in the same way. Is this a serious long-term commitment or not? Are you a family or not? Is this a true partnership or not? The answers don't matter - as long as you agree.

We didn't agree on this, I see him coming into my life and that of my daughter by living together as big a commitment as marriage. He didn't. I said to him that as I take it as this commitment then not to move in if he felt differently.

2) Money. You are giving very mixed messages. In the past you've been the one to enforce a strict 50/50 rule over really quite petty issues (paying for cinema etc) and frankly, that's not really the way to run things for 5 years, and then suddenly change your mind. He is being tight - splitting down to pence and so on - but you've kinda trained him that way. I still don't think he is right on insisting on it now - the situation has changed from dating to living together and so your arrangements will need to change - but this was acceptable to you in the past.

100% agree, I have never asked him for anything and always paid my way. Unfortunately I have struggled since he moved in so have now secured a full time job. I would never have expected him to pay for me to remain as I was, the only help I asked for was to get me by until I could start full time.

3) Time with daughter/working. Hmmm. You should have discussed this more before you moved in together. You want to be a stay at home mum most of the time, even though your daughter is 12 (if I've worked that out right?). That is a bit of a luxury. Nothing wrong with that in theory, but it seems he isn't happy to support you while you do this. To be honest, I'd be reluctant to subsidise someone to stay at home with a 12 year old kid that wasn't even mine as well. Well, actually, even if the kid was mine. It is quite a big ask you are making there. But it's not wrong, as long as the partner is happy with it. Some families live this way. Did you discuss this at all? Can he live - and yes he'd have to support you more - in this set-up? Can you live working full-time? Your expectations of each other are too far apart right now.

Totally agree. I've never had the luxuary of a stay at home mum. I worked 30 hours prior to january, however was made redundant. Stupidly I paniced and took the first job I could - this one for 18 hours. I thought at least I have some money coming in rather than none. In hindsight maybe I should have held out for more hours elsewhere, but when you're a single mum and a job offer is there, it's hard to turn down. I managed on the 18 hours and was ok until he moved in. I realised I wasn't ok and then secured a full time job. I have not asked him to supply me with money so I can keep the 18 hour job.

4) Daughter's birthday. Why hasn't he bought anything for her before? You seemed happy with that? I'd say it's unusual for a long-term partner not to at least buy a card, or go in with a joint present for children. Did you not let him? Moving in isn't a magic door that changes everything - a 5 year relationship should be a serious one whether you live together or not, but somehow he isn't seeing that he has a relationship with daughter as well as you. Perhaps he feels that he doesn't want to tread on the dad's toes? It sounds as though you need to explain your expectations and boundaries here.

He is a grown man and can buy for hwo he choses. In the past he has said is there anything she wants etc. and will give me £20 or so buy something. Like I said he makes sure at Christmas she has all the uptodate games etc. This year for her birthday I just didn't ask him. It wasn't deliberate or anything i just didn't. You're right, to me this isn't a big deal.

74jax

myothercarisaferrari wrote: »

so why not swallow your pride and talk to him about it, rather than texting and sending his money back? He has given to it you, yes a bit childish the way he did it, but you have sent it back so he has every right to say he cant win?

seriously think you need to be grown up about it.

We talked last night it is sorted for now. I agree'd to 50/50 split - this is what was originally agreed, I asked for more as i was struggling but it's not worth the problems it has raised.

I will clear my debt in a few months when I work fulltime.

ecgirl07

74jax wrote: »

But I wholeheartedly agree, I think we decided on 50/50 and now I'm asking for more. Like you say, he has a right to be pretty p!ssed off.

no he really doesn't - you dont set rules when you move in that are in concrete (apart from the one cheating and out one) - when you move in an equal relationship its an ebb and flow, things change and you adapt with it. If he truly loves you why does he want you in debt? you have explained that you are drowning financially and he did pay money this morning which with hindsight you should have kept, but this is going to be a long term problem until you find fulltime work are you willing to take on more and more debt to have this guy live with you?


I can see where you are coming i am fairly independent when it comes to money and if i had debt would not want partner to clear them but what he would do is "loan" me the money and i would pay him back as and when because we are a team with our own little ways.

What are your chances of finding fulltime work? how long can you rack up debt to maintain the status quo?

paddy's_mum

I don't agree that he has the "right to be p!ssed off" at all! That's an okay attitude to have if you are buying something from a shop or professional trader, knowing that it's a given size, weight, type, engine capacity, length.

It's not okay when it comes to people and their capacity for making mistakes, failing to assess things properly or just discovering that things aren't abiding by their own preconceived ideas. In those circumstances, you re-assess, re-evaluate, re-consider ... and if your lodger believes he can get a better deal elsewhere, then I'd be using his choice of the word 'push' back to him only my comment would end in a polite 'off'.

74jax

ecgirl07 wrote: »

I can see where you are coming i am fairly independent when it comes to money and if i had debt would not want partner to clear them but what he would do is "loan" me the money and i would pay him back as and when because we are a team with our own little ways.

What are your chances of finding fulltime work? how long can you rack up debt to maintain the status quo?

I have been offered a full time job where I work but the start date is to be sorted. So fingers crossed in a few weeks. That is why i asked him to help out. It wasn't to help me out 'long term' it was until I started fulltime.

All i was suggesting was to split the bills according to how much we brought in, so he would pay 2/3 and I would pay 1/3. You will see fromt his thread he only thinks this is fair if we both work full time and work the same hours. Which when I'm fulltime we will be doing.

In the meantime I have said I will manage and clear the debt when I am earning a fulltime wage.

donnaessex

So when you go full time he will pay 2/3 of the cost of running the home? Food, mortgage, everything? But he wont stump up the cash now when you are on the bones of your backside? I really dont understand how you think its OK for him to behave this way I'm sorry.

74jax

donnaessex wrote: »

So when you go full time he will pay 2/3 of the cost of running the home? Food, mortgage, everything? But he wont stump up the cash now when you are on the bones of your backside? I really dont understand how you think its OK for him to behave this way I'm sorry.

Thats my point. I don't think it's ok. I don't understand how he can think it's ok to pay more when I don't need it. But when I do need it he doesn't think it's 'fair' because I only work 18 hours.

I wanted other people's views on this as I don't understand it.

He says portioning the bills only works when you are both working the same hours. And 50/50 is fairer in my case as i get 2 days off.

I just don't see it, why not help me when I need the help, not when I don't. But like I said, I'm going round in circles with him. I'm staying at 50/50 until I go full time and then will re-assess.

donnaessex

74jax wrote: »

Thats my point. I don't think it's ok. I don't understand how he can think it's ok to pay more when I don't need it. But when I do need it he doesn't think it's 'fair' because I only work 18 hours.

I wanted other people's views on this as I don't understand it.

He says portioning the bills only works when you are both working the same hours. And 50/50 is fairer in my case as i get 2 days off.

I just don't see it, why not help me when I need the help, not when I don't. But like I said, I'm going round in circles with him. I'm staying at 50/50 until I go full time and then will re-assess.

I absolutely agree with you. It makes far more sense (to me) to pay 50% when you are working full time, not when you're working 18 hours a week!

Would you mind answering my earlier point about how long you are planning on giving this living arrangement before you decide whether its working or not?

Is he much younger than you? Does he have any children of his own?