Help seeing a male's point of view?

sandraroffey

you certainly can do a whole lot better. and money and hours worked really shouldnt come into it. this is supposed to be a partnership, not a money making exercise which it clearly is for him.

julie03

74jax wrote: »

Well thanks everyone for your somewhat honest and blunt replies. I wanted other people's opinions and I got them :-)

It isn't how I see a relationship, but if we are together than that is how it is.
.

if this isnt how you see a relationship then i think you will resent him in the end, it seems like you are accepting second best when you deserve so much more.

i had debt when i met my hubbie, and he had savings, he paid the debt off.

i always worked part time him full time, one account we both have hobbies he just works out what we can afford as a family,

you are meant to be a family, by moving in he should accept that. seems like he wants everything, and he also seems very money orientated, which isnt a bad thing as long as your not tight with it, and i would hate to ask for money, he should be asking you if you need it

skypie123_2

Mrs_justjohn wrote: »

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD....THIS SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT THE MONEY!!! HIS ATTITUDE TO MONEY IS JUST INDICITIVE TO HIS WHOLE ATTITUDE TO THE RELATIONSHIP!!

He is not showing commitment to the relationship. MOving in and not sharing everything is not commitment. He has not taken responsibility for your daughter and seems oblivious and uncaring towards your side of things and your feelings. Sorting out the money problems is a short term fix it will NOT sort out the problems in the relationship.

What would happen (god forbid) if you got pregnant by him? ....Would you be expected to pay 100% of your duagthers school trips and 50% of your child by hims school trips?...How crazy is this relationship???

I would have thanked this message 100 times if I could!

NJW69

When me and OH got together and I moved into his flat his attitude was I already pay for everything now so you pay for the shopping and that will be okay.

When I had our son and gave up work (agreed between us) he used to put money into my bank account (3k at a time) so I didn't have to ask him for money and then when it was running out I'd tell him and he'd put some more in.

I started work part time when DS was 6 months and have built up over the years so that I now earn more than my OH and pay the majority of bills.

He still always pays when we go out.

Relationships should be about caring for each other, whether thats emotionally or financially and the balance between these changes over time dependant on whats happening.

If your BF wants everything to be worked out 'equally' to such an extent I would not take the food money but give him a bill for each meal or drink as if he was in a restaurant or cafe, invoice him for cleaning (my cleaners charge £12 per hour), weigh his laundry and charge per bag and per item for ironing etc etc.

Petty maybe but then he's doing the same to you.

For me I think the thing that would get me the most was that your daughter is being disadvantaged by this arrangement.

Previously you had money to spare of which no doubt she would benefit, whilst she still had you at home some of the time to support her, at the moment there is no spare money, in fact you're getting into debt, and you may have to go back to work full time to get back into the position you were in before your BF moved in.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

donnaessex

Coming to this late but I just wanted to say that this man is a leech who takes what he wants with no thought to you and your daughter. He knew you only worked 18 hours when you moved in together and should have factored in every penny you lost when you started sharing a house. He should have compensated you for that loss, and added to that cost the amount he will be using in the home - utilities, food, telephone bills etc. Why on earth are you upping your hours to support him? Because thats what you're doing.

I really feel for you my dear because you sound so down and yet you are still defending his decisions.

I write this as one of 5 girls who were brought up by a wonderful single mum who was fiercely proud and never accepted money as a handout and when my lovely stepdad came to live with us he paid half of all the bills INCLUDING the cost of food and school trips etc for her children (my dad never paid for us). My mum never had to ask for money and neither did we - he accepted that my mum had 5 children and he accepted that he had a responsibility to us all. She is still a very independent woman but found someone who helped her without her asking - a partner.

I only hope you find someone like that yourself because this "man" clearly isnt the kind to settle down and make you happy. I'm sorry to be so blunt. xxx

January20

The person I feel sorry for in all of this is the OP's daughter. Soon, she will have to start missing out on doing things, simple things like going out to the cinema with her mum, or on shopping trips, activities, etc. She may not be materialistic, but her life will become more uncomfortable.

Then, if it's still in place when she is old enough, if she decides to carry on with her studies at school, she will miss out on EMA as the whole household income will be taken into consideration. At present, she could miss out on up £30 a week. Where will the OP find pocket money for her DD if she is deeply in debt?

Then if she decides to go to university she could miss out on grants and help. Who will help her financially if the OP is unable to?

And finally, the OP might not think her DD is aware of the situation but she is! Of course she is! She is 12 yo so hardly a little child unaware of what's happening around her. Already, she recognises the unfairness of having to get a birthday card to someone who didn't get her one. (If that man cared at all about the OP, he would not forget her DD's birthday because he would realise that whatever hurts DD hurts mum too!)

And all of that for what? For a man in the OP's life? Is he worth it? Is he more important to the OP than her own DD? Because soon that is surely what the OP's DD is going to think!

OP, I don't tend to be nasty, and I don't want you to think I am being nasty saying this, but having read the whole thread, I too think you are a pushover, and a mug and I don't understand why after living so long alone with you DD, and doing so well, you don't have the courage to send, I can't call him partner because he is not (really is he?) boyfriend back to his flat. If not for you, at least for your DD.

I hope he enjoys watching his nest egg growing every month whilst the woman he is supposed to love is falling further into debt and he does nothing about it.

SingleSue

One question I have, if, once you get back to full time work, who will be doing the cooking, cleaning etc?

Because that would have to be divvied up too to make it fair.

I'm afraid seperate finances is completely alien to me, once very many years ago when ex hubby and I got together, we had seperate bank accounts and the bills were split (but we were earning the almost the same amount) but food, nights out etc was bought as a couple out of the remaining money...if only one wanted to go out, that was fine, if not enough money was in the kitty to go out, neither of us did.

As time moved along, we married, got a mortgage and my career moved onwards and upwards and with it my salary. He was left earning a third of my salary but all the money was paid into a joint account, all the bills were paid out of that joint account and money left over went to us both to enjoy..be it his hobby of D&D or mine of speedway.

The situation stayed the same when we had children, except he was now the higher earner and me the lesser one...but still it all went into the central pot and we could both enjoy it (although I did have to take over the administration of the account as he went mad one day and spent the television license money on a blooming Megadrive game).

Fast forward to the last few years of our marriage, he was by this time earning a blooming good whack and I wasn't far behind and we had developed the finances into having the bill pot money, shared enjoyment/food/holiday money and then our very own personal money...all equal so both felt we had money that could be just ours. Any bonuses we received, a small proportion was kept for ourselves (but very often found itself being used to treat the other person!) and the rest went into family money for luxuries.

A bill was a bill to us, it wasn't a your or mine bill...it was just a bill that needed to be paid as a family, be it a mobile phone bill or one for a sporting event (for both of us, we both loved different kinds of sports).

74jax

January20 wrote: »

OP, I don't tend to be nasty, and I don't want you to think I am being nasty saying this, but having read the whole thread, I too think you are a pushover, and a mug and I don't understand why after living so long alone with you DD, and doing so well, you don't have the courage to send, I can't call him partner because he is not (really is he?) boyfriend back to his flat. If not for you, at least for your DD.

You're not being nasty and you can't post on a forum if you only want the 'good' replies!

I would say I'm not to scared to send him back to his flat. That's one the reasons it's not rented out yet. Yes we'd been together 5 years but never lived together. We may find the relationship just has hit a stale mate and if he place is rented we'd be in a pickle!

I wholeheartedly agree, my daughter should not suffer because of the fact I have moved my bf in. I went through a bad breakup a long time ago now, and the reason I stopped it straight away was I wouldn't be able to live with myself if my daughter ended up in the same relationship and she thought that to be 'normal'.

At the moment things have remained the same, as in her pocket money, trips out etc. however we are not having a holiday abroad this year for the first time ever. She has mentioned this but I explained I was made redundant and that we are having two weeks in the school holidays around England instead - she was absolutely fine (wait till it rains the wholle time and we'll still see if she's fine!).

I am extremely lucky in that myself and her dad are on 'speaking terms' and he never once has failed to pay CSA. From this I save x amount a month for her, and pay for her pocket money and misc items.

I agree, she will know to some extent what is going on, but remember this has only been an issue in the house for about 1 week. Prior to that I didn't say anything to my bf at all. I just tried to find ways of making ends meet i.e. my flexible friend.

I am lucky in that I have no debts whatsoever other than mortgage and so my card was empty. I am able to pay this off when I work fulltime and will do so. Yes I though I might get some help of bf in the meantime, but that's not the reply to this comment.

My daughter and I do get along very well, being a single mum and it just me and her in house before bf moved in we did all the watching tv with a takeaway etc. and i want that to remain. I will do everything I can in the best interests of my daughter. If that means bf moves out then he moves out. However, I brought this to his attention a few days ago, and so asking him to move back to his appartment now is too early for me. I need to know every avenue has been explored before I have my daughter see someone move in and out again within two months.

Charlie1978

Has he said anything about you sending the money back yet?

donnaessex

Thanks for keeping up with the replies OP. I do feel for you, but I wonder how long you are going to give this trial arrangement before you make a decision? I'm worried that your debt will escalate and then you will also be tied into a full time job you dont need if you then decide to ask him to move out.

You sound like a wonderful mum (you remind me of my mum!) and you have already given up so much for this man - I imagine you no longer do the takeaway thing with your daughter now as you have no excess money? That used to be the highlight of our week, sitting down with my mum on a Friday night eating rubbish in front of a film - it was the only night she didnt work at weekends - she had a full time job too as well as 2 part time ones.