Help seeing a male's point of view?

sandraroffey

he is a tightwad git and is living with you because he can save money. asking for help you have ruffled his plans.

and further to an earlier post. he wont change.not ever. this is what got him a flat thats paid for. he will tell you that he will change and will tell you all the things he will do, but he wont do any of them. please please, before you get deeper in, tell him to go. he has
GOT somewhere to go. and all this stress will go away. he can come and stay once in a while, and have meals, but he has to give a bit of help with the shopping. he will stay with you, ltting you get into debt to keep him, as long as you let him stay there.

onlyroz

You should never write anything on the internet that you wouldn't be completely happy for the people involved to read

onlyroz

74jax wrote: »

No he is worse off financially moving in with me. Half my bills and food is a couple hundred more than he would be paying in his appartment.

Not when he rents his flat out.

justjohn

74jax wrote: »

No he is worse off financially moving in with me. Half my bills and food is a couple hundred more than he would be paying in his appartment.

He will be quids in sooner or later.
think if you work it out he is better off (cash wise)and has an easier life.

74jax

Well thanks everyone for your somewhat honest and blunt replies. I wanted other people's opinions and I got them :-)

I think our finances will always be seperate. It's my debt and when I work full time I'll clear it. It isn't how I see a relationship, but if we are together than that is how it is.

Yes I do have t think about the future and what would happen if I lost my job, could I rely on him - without asking - or would I have to ask for everything.

Lots to think of, and so I'm off for a cuppa.

Thanks again.

pjcox2005

I agree it's not going to work getting into more debt so have the frank discussions with him about the lost credits.

One thing to say on his side (a rare point) but perhaps in his mind he thinks he is already paying more than half the bills because he is also contributing to a mortgage. If he doesn't have any intention to claim any amount on a sale (should it happen/you weren't together anymore) then this is extra money.

Effectively he's probably paying bills and then an extra £100 (guess) to you.

Just a point to note, I would still suggest that after 5 years he should be more supportive.

the_cat

I think that the major flaw in the 'fairness' arguement from his side is that although you are both worse of financially together than apart, you are losing more per month than he is (you are down over £600 a month, is that right? And his living expenses at the flat were less than that, even without including the rent he could get if he chose to?).
This is despite the fact that you have far less 'slack' in your budget to begin with. Percentage wise your drop in income must be massive compared to his.

Does he actually realise this? If he did, would he still maintain it was 'fair'? If he does, then you have your answer. He is only interested in the fairness of something if it is to his advantage.

To be fair, you may indadvertantly have helped this situation. Having knocked back his offers to pay stuff like outings in the past, he may genuinely be thinking he should only pay for his exact portion, so as not to offend you. Did you sit down and discuss moving in in detail? Not just the money, but if it changed the way either of you expected the relationship to function. I only ask as it would seem that you expected to become a couple, share stuff etc and his actions would suggest that he didn't. (nb. don't all shout at once, I'm trying devils advocate!!!)

Mrs_justjohn

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD....THIS SHOULD NOT BE ABOUT THE MONEY!!! HIS ATTITUDE TO MONEY IS JUST INDICITIVE TO HIS WHOLE ATTITUDE TO THE RELATIONSHIP!!

He is not showing commitment to the relationship. MOving in and not sharing everything is not commitment. He has not taken responsibility for your daughter and seems oblivious and uncaring towards your side of things and your feelings. Sorting out the money problems is a short term fix it will NOT sort out the problems in the relationship.

What would happen (god forbid) if you got pregnant by him? ....Would you be expected to pay 100% of your duagthers school trips and 50% of your child by hims school trips?...How crazy is this relationship???

pulliptears

74jax wrote: »

He sent me £441.40, which was sent in 3 amounts - £30.00 and two lots of £205.70. I think the 30 is to add to the 70 he previously sent for food for the month and the two lots of 205.70 is extra for last month and this month's bills. But I'm not 100% sure.

Hun can I just say, you sound like a hardworking girl and a very loving Mum. You deserve 100% from any man who is lucky enough to share your life and this man is not him.
You deserve better.

ecgirl07

74jax wrote: »

Ok so an update on last night.



And that was it really. We're remaining at 50/50 until I go full time and then we'll split it percentage-wise.

this is all so wrong and, sorry, you are wrong to put up with it. His flat is not rented - send him back to it until you get a full time job. He wont go more than 50/50 until you work fulltime and wont need his money. He is treating you like a flatmate that cooks, cleans and "keeps him warm at night" this is not a relationship of equals. Life is full of ups an downs and as a couple you shoudl share them together. not one of you in the poorhouse and one of you in the hilton.

The worst thing in all this is he didnt get your daughter a birthday card after being her life for 5 years, your daughter can see him for what he is.

You and him clearly have different ideas as to what a partnership should be are you sure you can sustain this long term both financially and emotionally?