Help seeing a male's point of view?

onlyroz

You shouldn't have to go to him begging for money. And I do think that you should have sorted out the finances *before* he moved in, rather than finding out later that you'd be losing a lot of your tax credits etc. I think that he should be paying half the bills *plus* the amount that you're down by as a result of him moving in. Therefore, he needs to be putting into the pot at least £200 a month more than he is now. Note that I say "into the pot" rather than "giving to you" - because a shared household should be run from a shared pot (regardless of whether you put all your respective money into the pot, or just a proportion of your income).

If this situation has arisen because of a misunderstanding on his part over how much you're actually bringing in now then fine - as long as he can see that the situation isn't sustainable. If, however, he genuinely sees his money as his and he has no understanding of the term "household", then I think he needs to go.

74jax

Oh well........ it may all be about to blow now anyway.

He sent me over to my account two lots of £205.70 and £30.00. The £30 I think would be to make up the food money to £100 for the month and the £205.70 I can only assume is his extra from the first month of living with me and this month.

Well.............I sent it back! ok, ok I know you'll say I'm all mad, but it was the way he did it. £441.40, what, he worked it out to the very penny, and god forbid I he gives me a penny more than I asked for.

Last night I was in tears with him saying I thought we were a partnership etc and he was just matter of fact, we're not married, I only work 18 hours etc. It ended with me saying right fine I'll deal with it myself until such time as i work full time.

Yes he may have been trying to make amends, but sending the amount he has, in the batches he has, just made me see red. All broken down and exact.

Well it's done now......

ElusiveLucy

I can completely sympathise with your situation as I am in a similar situation myself, although I am not being forced into debt by it.

My OH earns a lot more than I do and moved into my house (he has a mortgage free 1-bed flat). He rented his flat out. He initially didn't contribute anything except buying food every so often. And of course my council tax went up because I lost the single person discount.

I had to have massive arguments with him to get him to pay half the bills, and even more arguments to get him to contribute something towards the mortgage I was paying. In the end I just told him I would rent my house out, as he'd done with his flat, and we'd have to go and rent somewhere else and pay half the rent each. In the end that made him contribute something. It has been a huge struggle and caused untold distress to me. I did think about ending the relationship because he was so against paying his way. I do now wonder what would happen if he lost his contract job and had to take something lower paid than I have. I have made it clear to him that i would expect him to continue to pay half of the bills etc as that is what he's been doing to me. We also have issues over the cost of holidays with his son - he expects me to pay more than my way, but refuses to contribute towards cattery fees (which at £14 a day mount up). We take in turns to pay for meals out and we even got to the situation where every time it was his turn we went somewhere cheap, every time it was my turn we were going to more expensive places. That grates too!

At the end of the day, your OH wouldn't be able to rent his place out unless he was living with you, so it is only fair he contributes something towards where he is living once his place is rented out.

I find the constant battle over money to be really draining and it does make you wonder whether you are being taken for a ride. I can afford to live in my house quite comfortably, but I am not prepared for someone to live off me. Good luck in your battle...

pulliptears

he sounds like a real catch.

Mrs_justjohn

OP - I beg you to deal with this matter now.....

You are your daughter deserve more.....I thought I could make sacrifices to keep my previous relationship together but in the end it turned me into a shell of a person. YOu deserve what I now have ....A loving partner who loves me and my two children as much as his own kids. Who appreciates every single thing I do for him. Our finances are all pooled so neither one of us has 'control' over the other and above all we are BOTH happy.

As hard as it is to face the prospect of being 'single' again I think it is something you need to do to gain your life back. You have virtually been 'single' within this relationship anyway!

red_devil

regarding one poster saying he should buy your daughter a bday card separately i find that odd if you are living together shouldnt the card be joint if you live together! Eg love from mum and xxxx.

How would he feel if you suggested marriage would it change anything re finances.

I think going off and doing his hobby all the time is abit selfish he should be wanting to do things with his little family!

Mrs_justjohn

red_devil wrote: »

regarding one poster saying he should buy your daughter a bday card separately i find that odd if you are living together shouldnt the card be joint if you live together! Eg love from mum and xxxx.

QUOTE]

That's exactly what I said a few posts ago.....why send separate cards if you are a couple?? Don'y get that at all??

candygirl

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

My question to the OP would be - what's the point of him?

A relationship should enhance your life, not make it harder. He sounds like a right meanie to me - I'd boot him out!

Exactly!!I've just dumped someone for being a penny pinching tight !!!!.Get rid of him hun, he's taking the p1ss big time, or at least get him to move back into his flat:D:D:D

74jax

red_devil wrote: »

regarding one poster saying he should buy your daughter a bday card separately i find that odd if you are living together shouldnt the card be joint if you live together! Eg love from mum and xxxx.

How would he feel if you suggested marriage would it change anything re finances.

I think going off and doing his hobby all the time is abit selfish he should be wanting to do things with his little family!

We didn't live together when it was her birthday. I've always got her a card just from me with present's too. We did go halfs one year on a pool for the garden and that was from us both, but if he doesn't contribute to the present etc i wouldn't put his name on it.

It may be different now we live together, but she's not had a birthday when we have.

xmaslolly76

This is just my personal opinion which you can ignore if you wish but i think he is taking the P**s. He doesnt take you out or even offer he doesnt contribute to the household as a family just for himself, he earns silly money compared to yourself and spends it all on his hobbies whilst you struggle to pay the bills and keep your head above water. Although you wouldnt want him keeping you an offer of help when your struggling wouldnt go amiss but he just sits there expecting you to go cap in hand to him (which screams to me of some sort of control thing going on) and to be perfectly honest it wouldnt surprise me if when he does help you out you dont get it thrown back in your face everytime there is a dissagreement in the future. If he cant accept he is now part of a family and as such has to step upto the mark occasionally financially speaking then what is going to happen if you were to ever have a child together will be buy one an icecream and not the other as its not his kid will you go on family days out and you pay for your half of the family whilst he pays for his, if so its no way to live and i would seriously be considering my future plans with the guy its not like you have only been seeing him for a short time you have been together for 5yrs he should be seeing the 3 of you as a complete unit not, well i will take this bit of the relationship and this bit as it suits me but i dont want anything to do with that part as its not my problem.

Sorry maybe i am just being naive about the modern world as i said it just my opinion.