Help seeing a male's point of view?

candygirl

74jax wrote: »

Oh well........ it may all be about to blow now anyway.

He sent me over to my account two lots of £205.70 and £30.00. The £30 I think would be to make up the food money to £100 for the month and the £205.70 I can only assume is his extra from the first month of living with me and this month.

Well.............I sent it back! ok, ok I know you'll say I'm all mad, but it was the way he did it. £441.40, what, he worked it out to the very penny, and god forbid I he gives me a penny more than I asked for.

Last night I was in tears with him saying I thought we were a partnership etc and he was just matter of fact, we're not married, I only work 18 hours etc. It ended with me saying right fine I'll deal with it myself until such time as i work full time.

Yes he may have been trying to make amends, but sending the amount he has, in the batches he has, just made me see red. All broken down and exact.

Well it's done now......

Get rid.He sounds mean spirited as well as mean with money hun:mad:.YOU CAN DO SOO MUCH BETTER :A

C_Mababejive

Its a difficult situation.

Fact is,many women with a child from another relationship would be better off on their own fully bennied up instead of having some guy around the house who ,after all,is hedging his bets and not accepting the whole package.

If the OP isnt happy with it, she needs to send him back to his flat and live alone.

That would be less of a strain than the current situation.

Perhaps you should start billing him for personal services and meals?

mrcow

74jax wrote: »

He sent me over to my account two lots of £205.70 and £30.00. The £30 I think would be to make up the food money to £100 for the month and the £205.70 I can only assume is his extra from the first month of living with me and this month.

Well.............I sent it back! ok, ok I know you'll say I'm all mad, but it was the way he did it. £441.40, what, he worked it out to the very penny, and god forbid I he gives me a penny more than I asked for.

Can i just say that the marriage thing is a red herring. He will NEVER change.

He's never going to really win on this thread. Being tight fisted or unfair like this is one of the most unattractive traits that anyone can have (and I'm not talking about being MSE - that's completely different).

What you are describing is someone who is selfish. Giving you £441.40 when you've put yourself on the line and told him that you have credit card debt becasue of the situation is completly petty and small minded.

Sorry - I couldn't bear to go out or live with someone like that. I'm more of a "treat you to a trip to New York because I can afford it" type of person (which I've done a few times when I've been flush).

For years after having the children, my household income set-up was very similar to yours in terms that I was earning about 5% of it part time and my PH was earning 95%. He has NEVER considered a single penny of it to be "His" money. And if he ever did, I'm sorry but I couldn't consider a happy future with him.

To me, it's far more than just about the money.

I'm telling you now - if I had been in his situation last night, I would have cleared your credit card debt on the spot if I could afford it and if not, would have come up with a plan to clear it in a very short time. That is what normal people do when they've been going out and living together for 5 years.

I couldn't live with someone like you describe. It's very unattractive.....not so much someone who's ever going to sweep you off your feet.......more sweep you under the carpet!

nickyhutch

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Its a difficult situation.

Fact is,many women with a child from another relationship would be better off on their own fully bennied up instead of having some guy around the house who ,after all,is hedging his bets and not accepting the whole package.

If the OP isnt happy with it, she needs to send him back to his flat and live alone.

That would be less of a strain than the current situation.

Perhaps you should start billing him for personal services and meals?

Absolutely, definitely. He sounds delightful.

pulliptears

Ive only skim read so forgive me if Im wide of the mark, but it sounds to me like he wants the single life AND a family.

Its always hard when you move in with someone. When OH and I moved in together my son was 3 and son and I had lived with my parents, OH had lived with his. Although we had been together since DS was 9 months old it was a change. He was used to his Mum doing all the work and didn't really help me much to begin with. We had rows over cleaning, cooking etc. I worked a few nights part time, he worked full time. Money wasn't an issue as everything was split down the middle but it still took a while to persuade him that I still needed help here and there as a child was full time work on its own.

It could be just a period of adjustment for him I guess, but he does need to interact more as a family, and fully commit to you as a family. As others have said I couldn't have imagined my OH standing by and watching me get into debt when he could help.

justjohn

I feel so sorry for you. I do not always feel sorrow for many people on the forum.

But such a waste of a life/relationship.

There is so much more to relationships than you have. And i do relise peoples ideas of relationships are different.

You are 35 and should have picked up many life skills by now. Your lodger/partner is not 22 and immature/selfish these attitudes and traits should be long gone.
Life is for living. And some people put up with more than others.

You need too figure out what you want. And if he will not do what you want you need too get rid. Do not put up with this as it is not just about you. Your daughter is also putting up with things. Your daughter and you are a package a family your bf should be joining that family. Your daughter is learning her life skill from you rite now day by day.

Life can be so much more for you and your daughter you BF should be a father figure. Have you spoke to your daughter? Although kids often have an attitude they are very perceptive. What would you say if your daughter was in this sort off relationship and she came to you for help?

When you go to your dad for a loan will you tell him what you have told us here?

Do you relise you could have a partner that shares/cares and looks after you and your daughter as his own ?
Do you not relise thats the way it should be?
Do you not think you or your daughter are worthy of that?

IF you cannot kick him out at the very least show him these posts

justjohn

mrcow wrote: »

I'm telling you now - if I had been in his situation last night, I would have cleared your credit card debt on the spot if I could afford it and if not, would have come up with a plan to clear it in a very short time. That is what normal people do when they've been going out and living together for 5 years.

i agree. but there would also have been a sum put into account for a rainy day.

myothercarisaferrari

why didnt you discuss this before he moved in?

the_cat

Maybe sending the money back can be turned into a little breathing space OP, if you are not yet ready to make a final break-up (for the record I would just chuck him out, he has shown that you and your daughter are very low down on his list of priorities and you deserve much better)

When he queries the returned money, simply say

'well after our conversation last night, I have gone through my finances. I cannot afford for you to live here until I am working full time and we can come to a sensible arrangement. I returned the money as you will have to move back to your flat.'

pinkclouds

Having read most of this thread, I can only presume the ultimate goal is for the OP's daughter to go live with her dad. He is, after all, paying child maintenance so he must be solvent.

There's no point saying the same things over and over. You can lead a horse to water, etc.