Help seeing a male's point of view?

74jax

elisebutt65 wrote: »

Why don't you suggest a joint account for the household bills and take it from there - You each contribute according to income - i.e - 1/3 you and 2/3s him. It's nothing to do with hours worked, especially as you have a full time job cleaning and clearing up for the household whilst he goes off and kitesurfs.

What do you do as a family at the weekends btw - does he just bogoff and leave you to it?? Doesn't sound much fun to me??

Even my fiancee offers to help out if he thinks I'm getting into trouble with money and he doesn't live with me! I haven't taken him up cos I manage(just).

Thats is what has prompted this thread. He thinks portioning the bills only works when you are working the same hours. We do 50/50 at the moment. When my salary is almost what I'm spending on bills i'm struggling.

hot.chick

He's just not playing fair...

Bottom line is if he loves you he would never knowingly see you struggle and get into debt while he's off flying kites or whatever!!

in a very serious note, would you really want to spend potentially the rest of your life asking for £5 for bread and milk or what ever???

Not suggesting you split up but you have been with this man for 5 years and he doesn't buy your daughgter a birthday card?????

Does he want to be part of a family with you and your daughter? Because this is not how he is acting..... it sounds like he's acting like he lives on his own with his own half of the bills and the food thing is just silly... it's like he's living in a shared house rather than being part of a family.....

Maybe you should tell him NO next time he wants you to post something saying I have over 'X' amount on my card already that I can't pay off, and start eating toast for dinner.. and when he asks why your eating different food be straight with him and say you only pay for your food and I have to tighten my belt somehow... maybe when he see's you picking scraps of meat off a chick carcas to make soup with he'll see that your in need of his help?? Or would he say - maybe when you work more hours you can eat properly???

Are you absolutly sure he is worth getting in debt for???

(after all even if he moves back to his place you still have this card to clear and he won't be offering to help!!)

74jax

Ok so an update on last night.

Basically i've just said to leave it as it is until I go full time. I went to him for help and was made to feel terrible for doing so. I didn't want money for dresses/shoes or to go out etc it was to break even and that I won't ask again.

He said he would help me out but that he thinks it's 'fairer' when we both work the same hours. My argument was when I work full time I won't need his help, I need his help now when I'm struggling.

He said all I need to do is tell him when I need money. I said I did that this week and look at where I am now and that I won't be asking again. I'd rather ask my Dad to help out than have him thinking I thought he was a push-over. He said I'd taken that out of context, but when I asked him to tell me exactly how he meant it he couldn't say.

We were just going round in circles, I said I shouldn't have to ask him for money, if he can see I have no money, if I'm telling him so, then he should be 'right I've transfered you x amount'. He says he doesn't know how much to transfer me and for me to ask him. hhe knows what I make, he knows the outgoings, he knows I'm not out every weekend, he knows I struggle if something comes up that I'd like to do but can't. He knows all of this whilst collecting his salary and being able to help me out, but he chooses not to see.

Maybe it's a matter of 2 people being different - I won't ask and he want's to be asked.

I told him he knew my mastercard was almost full, he claims he doesn't know what my limit is so how can he know if it's full - which is fair enough. He did mention something about if he gave me some money for my mastercard would be be paying for his birthday present (which was last week) and I said no that came out of my account - I can't really remember this part of the conversation though, in fact that might have been mentioned the day before.

I know a lot of you here think he earns more than me he should 'treat' me, but he just doesn't offer to take me out for a meal or the cinema or let's see what's on at the theatre. And i've accepted that's who he is. If I want to do those things, I suggest it and I pay.

He doesn't undertsand why I would support him if he was made redundant, went down to working 3 days a week etc. I just thought that's what couples do, but maybe in this relationship it's never going to be that way.

And that was it really. We're remaining at 50/50 until I go full time and then we'll split it percentage-wise.

Mrs_justjohn

74jax wrote: »

That was my worry and what brought up the whole situation. When i asked him for more money to help me out short term and he said it's only fair when we both work the same hours, that's what started alarm bells. i have been made redundant once and managed by myself, with him living with me i couldn't see how I would.

You state you had the foresight to see this as a concern ...but you did not resolvethe concern before he moved in??






Not rented yet. But yes when he does rent it, he will have that extra money too. But I don't expect or want of that. I don't many things, i'm not very materialistic etc. just would like to be how I was before.


YOu are not being materialistic - you are being more than resonable. You are just trying to live without getting into debt

This year however she did mention he didn't even get her a card. It was his birthday recently and she said why should she get him a card when he didn't get her one.

Why should he get her a card - he should be on your card as you are a couple?? I live with my partner and my 2 kids from a previous marriage . Cards and presents to my two children are signed off Mum and John. Cards o his kids are signed off Dad and Debbie.... that's because we are a couple/partnership/item (not married) which seems to be the difference between my relationship and yours?



We try not to discuss anything in front of her. My parent's (in my eyes) didn't have one row when I was growing up :rotfl: and I'd like to think my daughter is brought up the same. From being a single parent she knows about money and how you can't always have everything you want. She knows about saving etc.

But for the last 5 years she has not been brought up by a single parent (well she has but she shouldn't have been - if you get what I mean). Even if you don't argue in front of her what she will see is you struggling to make ends meet and going without and your partner doing what he wants when he wants and spending whatever he wants.....she will grow up thinking that is acceptable within a relationship and trust me it is far from acceptable!



Joint account - I suggested when we were talking about moving in. Again he see's that as something that happens when you're married.


I worked in a bank for 21 years and trust me there was nothing in the criteria that stated you had to have the same name for a joint account




. As he puts it, I knew he kite surfed before we got together.

This isn't a problem for me.


Yes and he knew you wasn't in debt before you moved in together - but you are now. Moving in together changes things

I am not sure there is an easy way to say this and I don't mean to be hurtful but.....

there is more wrong in this relationship than the money issues, but whether you recognise that or whether you are a 'bury your head in the sand' person is another matter. You may struggle on for a while...years maybe, but eventually this will all come to a head. (Not just the money but his whole attitude). My belief is that when this eventually blows up in his face two things will happen. He will think you are being unreasonable (when you are not) and may walk out. Or you will realise how unreasonable he is being and kick him out. Either way is a good result and for yours and your daughters sake I hope it is sooner rather than later if he won't change. He is 35...it is not like he is 19-24 which is the age he is acting IMHO so he needs to buck his ideas up. He is covering his a$$ financially and ensuring he can leave whenever HE wants. This is not a good position for you to be in!

mrbrightside842

It's not 50/50, though. You're giving 150% of your wages by paying for things you don't have the money for, and he's probably giving about 20%, if you're lucky. It wouldn't come down to the money any more for me, it wou;ld come down to the fact that he's controlling and selfish, asking you to beg for the money and then not giving you it. I'd boot him out now, before I got into any further debt over him and before it got more difficult to

the_cat

74jax wrote: »

And that was it really. We're remaining at 50/50 until I go full time and then we'll split it percentage-wise.

And you have agreeed to that?:eek::eek:

He is right. You ARE a pushover. I don't think you are being fair to yourself and certainly not to your daughter. You are either going to have to stop allowing her things which you could have afforded her to do before (ie school trips etc) or get into debt for it. You are already near your limit on the cr card so that isn't a viable option.

And now considering asking your dad to subsidise this parasite? Seriously????

heretolearn_2

sorry to say this, but he is a selfish pig who doesn't feel serious about a relationship with you, and you are a mug.

Mrs_justjohn

74jax wrote: »

Ok so an update on last night.

Basically i've just said to leave it as it is until I go full time. I went to him for help and was made to feel terrible for doing so. I didn't want money for dresses/shoes or to go out etc it was to break even and that I won't ask again.

He said he would help me out but that he thinks it's 'fairer' when we both work the same hours. My argument was when I work full time I won't need his help, I need his help now when I'm struggling.

He said all I need to do is tell him when I need money. I said I did that this week and look at where I am now and that I won't be asking again. I'd rather ask my Dad to help out than have him thinking I thought he was a push-over. He said I'd taken that out of context, but when I asked him to tell me exactly how he meant it he couldn't say.

We were just going round in circles, I said I shouldn't have to ask him for money, if he can see I have no money, if I'm telling him so, then he should be 'right I've transfered you x amount'. He says he doesn't know how much to transfer me and for me to ask him. hhe knows what I make, he knows the outgoings, he knows I'm not out every weekend, he knows I struggle if something comes up that I'd like to do but can't. He knows all of this whilst collecting his salary and being able to help me out, but he chooses not to see.

Maybe it's a matter of 2 people being different - I won't ask and he want's to be asked.

I told him he knew my mastercard was almost full, he claims he doesn't know what my limit is so how can he know if it's full - which is fair enough. He did mention something about if he gave me some money for my mastercard would be be paying for his birthday present (which was last week) and I said no that came out of my account - I can't really remember this part of the conversation though, in fact that might have been mentioned the day before.

I know a lot of you here think he earns more than me he should 'treat' me, but he just doesn't offer to take me out for a meal or the cinema or let's see what's on at the theatre. And i've accepted that's who he is. If I want to do those things, I suggest it and I pay.

He doesn't undertsand why I would support him if he was made redundant, went down to working 3 days a week etc. I just thought that's what couples do, but maybe in this relationship it's never going to be that way.

And that was it really. We're remaining at 50/50 until I go full time and then we'll split it percentage-wise.

You are clearly angry about the situation and feel it is unfair (which seems to be the view of the vast majority of posters too!) however at the moment you do not seem to be in a postion to deal with it. I only hope you get strong enough to deal with this matter (the whole relationship - not just the finances) before it ruins yours and your daughters lives. Good luck with your life but I think your relationship is either doomed or it will be you making all the sacrifices whilst he basically continues to lead a single life whilst having the perks of a relationship to go home to.

the_cat

A question if I may

You say that initially you worked out that you would both be worse off if you moved in together. How much worse off are you altogether? What about him?

Now......... is it 50/50? Nope, thought not!!

skypie123_2

And is this good enough for you?
Personally I think deep down you know it isn't and is just the start of a deep resentment. I had a similar situation and I got rid. It wasn't that I was after anyones money (and you aren't here either) but a man who is so mean with his money is also invariably mean with his love too and that is a deal breaker for me.
Set your stall out and set an example for your daughter.
This man sounds like the most selfish control freak ever! He wants you to ask him for money because it makes him feel powerful to be put in a position where he can turn you down.
He sounds like a disgrace to me.
You are literally better off on your own so please don't waste any more of your time on this man, the situation will not improve because he doesn't see the problem now!
Kick him out and find someone who wants to be a family with you and your girl because from what I have read this man is just all about himself!
xxxx

74jax wrote: »

Ok so an update on last night.

Basically i've just said to leave it as it is until I go full time. I went to him for help and was made to feel terrible for doing so. I didn't want money for dresses/shoes or to go out etc it was to break even and that I won't ask again.

He said he would help me out but that he thinks it's 'fairer' when we both work the same hours. My argument was when I work full time I won't need his help, I need his help now when I'm struggling.

He said all I need to do is tell him when I need money. I said I did that this week and look at where I am now and that I won't be asking again. I'd rather ask my Dad to help out than have him thinking I thought he was a push-over. He said I'd taken that out of context, but when I asked him to tell me exactly how he meant it he couldn't say.

We were just going round in circles, I said I shouldn't have to ask him for money, if he can see I have no money, if I'm telling him so, then he should be 'right I've transfered you x amount'. He says he doesn't know how much to transfer me and for me to ask him. hhe knows what I make, he knows the outgoings, he knows I'm not out every weekend, he knows I struggle if something comes up that I'd like to do but can't. He knows all of this whilst collecting his salary and being able to help me out, but he chooses not to see.

Maybe it's a matter of 2 people being different - I won't ask and he want's to be asked.

I told him he knew my mastercard was almost full, he claims he doesn't know what my limit is so how can he know if it's full - which is fair enough. He did mention something about if he gave me some money for my mastercard would be be paying for his birthday present (which was last week) and I said no that came out of my account - I can't really remember this part of the conversation though, in fact that might have been mentioned the day before.

I know a lot of you here think he earns more than me he should 'treat' me, but he just doesn't offer to take me out for a meal or the cinema or let's see what's on at the theatre. And i've accepted that's who he is. If I want to do those things, I suggest it and I pay.

He doesn't undertsand why I would support him if he was made redundant, went down to working 3 days a week etc. I just thought that's what couples do, but maybe in this relationship it's never going to be that way.

And that was it really. We're remaining at 50/50 until I go full time and then we'll split it percentage-wise.