Help seeing a male's point of view?

sashadesade

I don't think having a talk with him or simply moving him back in to his flat is the answer. This goes much deeper than the financial aspect. I'd be very disturbed if my partner of five years was willing to sit back and watch me struggle while he was polishing his new £700 surfboard. Stop making excuses for this man, it's abundantly clear from everything you've said that he doesn't care about you. If he did then he would be concerned about your situation, even if the only solution he offered was that he move back to his flat and things go back to the way they were. It's time to end this relationship.

mikey72

sashadesade wrote: »

I don't think having a talk with him or simply moving him back in to his flat is the answer. This goes much deeper than the financial aspect. I'd be very disturbed if my partner of five years was willing to sit back and watch me struggle while he was polishing his new £700 surfboard. Stop making excuses for this man, it's abundantly clear from everything you've said that he doesn't care about you. If he did then he would be concerned about your situation, even if the only solution he offered was that he move back to his flat and things go back to the way they were. It's time to end this relationship.

Well, we got there in the end then.

elisebutt65

mikey72 wrote: »

Well, we got there in the end then.

Oh, you cynic, you!!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

vaio

Moving a partner in should be an exciting happy time, if you are getting into debt and worrying because he’s moved in then either....

He’s a ordinary slightly dim bloke and hasn’t realised/understood in which case explain it slowly and clearly, he’ll see the light, fix the problem and you’ll both live happily ever after.

Or

He’s a mean sod who does understand but does nothing to solve it in which case he needs to find somewhere else to live. Hopefully you also both live happily ever after, he in his own flat counting his money and you having found someone who respects you and wants to be a partner in the true sense of the word.

dktreesea

Now that he is living with you, once he rents out his property, will he be giving half the rent to you? After all, he has moved in with you to improve his own financial position. It's not just a matter of "One household is cheaper than running two". It's also "oh yes, and I will get another £400 a month (or whatever figure he gets renting out his other property) all for me."

Oh well, if he is so calculating, maybe he should go back to his other property....

hot.chick

I have to say anyone that loves you and wants to live with you is not showing a nice personality trait if he is happy with you getting into debt every month.

I don't think he's necessarily doing it on purpose, but people who have never struggled for money just have no idesa what it's like.

Good luck getting it sorted though - it does sound like he's a lodger though and that you haven't decided to join forces at all and make a life together, sounds like seperate lives just in the same house now.

paulrn_2

Just to throw my bit in, the clue should be in the word couple, as a couple you have living costs and that includes any children, you love the woman you love the kids!!!
So expenses are paid from a joint pot whatever the percentage other wise you have two people just house sharing with the odd coming together as it were, if there is money over then happy days all round. and those expenses include personal spending money for both of you.

ticklepenny_2

Get rid.

A relationship, partnership, household etc all revolve around that the bills are paid without forcing one person into serious debt. If you were doing fine on your own and now are in debt then its not working. More importantly if he doesnt care about this then he is basically saying he doesnt care about you and your situation.

I am in a similar situation in that I work 16 hours p/w and earn £600pcm and my partner works 35 hours and earns £1180pcm. The money goes into the joint account and pays all the bills and we both get £150pcm to spend on whatever we want including presents, treats, clothes and holidays. There is no way we could work any other way as DD nursery is £323pcm on its own.

Talk it all through and if he doesnt care then get rid and find someone who does!

74jax

Wow,

I think this is the most replies i've had to a post! i'll try and go down them one by one and then let you know what happened when we talked last night.

justjohn wrote: »

What would happen if god forbid you could not work for whatever reason. Would he let your debt spirral out of controll even quicker.

That was my worry and what brought up the whole situation. When i asked him for more money to help me out short term and he said it's only fair when we both work the same hours, that's what started alarm bells. i have been made redundant once and managed by myself, with him living with me i couldn't see how I would.

mikey72 wrote: »

I must admit, I usually appear to rally to the bloke in most of these threads, and criticise other posters for advising splitting up.
However, in this case living apart obviously worked, and together doesn't.
So I'm not suggesting dumping him, but maybe he needs more time to accept that a family is different from living alone, and possibly moving back out for a while may be the best way the relationship works.
Either that or he needs to accept he has to pay enough so that you can cover the bills, and still have a reasonable amount of money left for you and your daughter, percentages don't come into it.

We have talked for maybe a year about moving in together. Both going into it knowing we would both be worse off financially. I think my problem was I didn't think i would be this much worse off. But it only takes one flat tyre to finally make you see you can't keep using your Mastercard. We have talked about him moving back to his flat until I find a full time job.

JaneRN wrote: »

Just had a thought - as his place is all paid for and costs little to heat etc why don't you and your daughter move in there with him? You can then just pay half of what he was paying.

I own a 3 bed house and he owns a 2 bed appartment in the city. Schools would be a nightmare and we have 2 dogs which couldn't live there. Daughter would have to change schools and it would be further from my work. My house is closer to his work.

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You're not taking into account the money he can make by letting out his flat as he no longer lives there.

Not rented yet. But yes when he does rent it, he will have that extra money too. But I don't expect or want of that. I don't many things, i'm not very materialistic etc. just would like to be how I was before.

nikki&asha wrote: »

Out of interest this £300 CSA money means he will not/does not contribute anything towards your daughter even though he is living in your family and with all the benefits that has??

He does realise that by living in your household, that any help your household and your daughter will be means tested to HIS income along with yours? Not just the benefits you have lost which has put paid to you both getting a holiday or any treats etc What happens if she wants music lessons (on your own you may get help to pay) or go on a school trip (sometimes reduced for people on low incomes) or when she gets assessed for student finance when she is at uni? She/you won't get it based on her fathers income but HIS - So he needs to act like a man and use his income to provide properly for his FAMILY.

Sorry but I think that you are the pushover - and I was in the same situation - 5 years of having 2 children instead of 1 to care for and a £3500 debt and I finally got rid of the user.

I have pointed out that my household is now classed as bringing in around £50k, of which I don't even see half of. My daughter's school trips, music lessons etc I pay for, we don't have any joint money so I would have to. I wouldn't ask him to pay for something for her. I haven't in 5 years. I get CSA from her father.

If i mentioned it to him about her birthday he would buy a present, or give me money too. This year however she did mention he didn't even get her a card. It was his birthday recently and she said why should she get him a card when he didn't get her one. He works in the computer games industry and so gets really cheap games and at christmas or her birthday will make sure she has all the recent games etc. but I do have to ask.

ecgirl07 wrote: »

Dont underestimate his previous bills:

council tax
tv license
phone/satellite tv
home insurance - He doesn't have any.
gas electricity - He doesn't have any. Extremely minimal electricity, infact there was a mix up with the meters and the electric company owe him around £500 so rather than pay a monthly amount I think he's just in credit.
mobile phone - 2nd line on my mobile of £20, which i pay.
car?Insurane? - yes he does have this to pay.
life insurance? - doesn't have any.
daily living costs etc - his food etc is all he really buys, other than stuff for his van - currently converting and kitesurfing stuff.


Re your night out with work he should be ensuring you have enough money to go and offering to babysit so you can. As people have posted i hope he brings more to this relationship as the money arrangement seems to indicate he is not fully committed to being your equal.

It's a lunch time thing from work, he doesn't even know about it. I wouldn't say to him could I have some money please to go out to lunch with someone who is off sick. To be honest with so much on my Mastercard, i couldn't justify that anyway.

Mrs_justjohn wrote: »

Just think what example is being set to the 12 year old daughter.....this is not the sort of relationship I would want any daughter of mine to see as 'normal'.

QUOTE]

We try not to discuss anything in front of her. My parent's (in my eyes) didn't have one row when I was growing up :rotfl: and I'd like to think my daughter is brought up the same. From being a single parent she knows about money and how you can't always have everything you want. She knows about saving etc.

dktreesea wrote: »

Now that he is living with you, once he rents out his property, will he be giving half the rent to you? After all, he has moved in with you to improve his own financial position. It's not just a matter of "One household is cheaper than running two". It's also "oh yes, and I will get another £400 a month (or whatever figure he gets renting out his other property) all for me."

Oh well, if he is so calculating, maybe he should go back to his other property....

No wouldn't get half the rent from his place. He certainly wouldn't offer me it and i wouldn't ask. I'm not after loads of money from him at all.

elisebutt65 wrote: »

Why don't you suggest a joint account for the household bills and take it from there - You each contribute according to income - i.e - 1/3 you and 2/3s him. It's nothing to do with hours worked, especially as you have a full time job cleaning and clearing up for the household whilst he goes off and kitesurfs.

What do you do as a family at the weekends btw - does he just bogoff and leave you to it?? Doesn't sound much fun to me??

Even my fiancee offers to help out if he thinks I'm getting into trouble with money and he doesn't live with me! I haven't taken him up cos I manage(just).

Joint account - I suggested when we were talking about moving in. Again he see's that as something that happens when you're married. It was a definate no. i offered to set it all up and all he had to do was sign. I think this would work better as then when he asks me to post a letter I have money to do so rather than use my mastercard. It a no no on the joint account.

Weekends, he kitesurfs, he does after work too sometimes. It doesn't bother me much as I see friends etc, but occassionally I would like to see him on a day time, but it's hard. If the wind is good he wants to go out. Even if it's not, he'll go to the beach on the chance it will change. He is really good and is in competition this year so needs to practice. As he puts it, I knew he kite surfed before we got together.

This isn't a problem for me. We both enjoy time apart but I would like more time together. I used to love going out for meals, the cinema etc. It doesn't happen now, and I don't have the money to suggest it. It will take a while once full time to pay off my debts.


I think I've missed a quote off here - I'm 35 and is he. My daughter is 12.

74jax

ticklepenny wrote: »

Get rid.

A relationship, partnership, household etc all revolve around that the bills are paid without forcing one person into serious debt. If you were doing fine on your own and now are in debt then its not working. More importantly if he doesnt care about this then he is basically saying he doesnt care about you and your situation.

I am in a similar situation in that I work 16 hours p/w and earn £600pcm and my partner works 35 hours and earns £1180pcm. The money goes into the joint account and pays all the bills and we both get £150pcm to spend on whatever we want including presents, treats, clothes and holidays. There is no way we could work any other way as DD nursery is £323pcm on its own.

Talk it all through and if he doesnt care then get rid and find someone who does!

This just would never work. Our joint income about = £2800, less bills leaves say 2k, we would never half that. God the things I could do.