Help seeing a male's point of view?

Moominjules

I have just been skim reading the first few, and last few pages.

And I just needed to say that I don't understand why its only fair for him to contribute more when you are both working the same hours?? How does that work?
Surely the sensible and logical way, is when one of you is having to work less hours (especially when you are waiting for a full time start date) that the higher earner would help out and contribute more during that time?

I am sure that while you have been working less hours, you have been doing more round the house. and I also hope that when you are back to working full time, you will not be doing all the cleaning and cooking etc, but this will also be a 50/50 split?

When he moved in with you he knew it was you and your daughter, and moving in with someone is a big commitment in my eyes, (whether you had a daughter or not, its a partnership, a relationship, not a lodger in the spare room!) so whether you are married or not should be irrelevant!

I have never been in this situation myself, and I must say that I would have thrashed out expectations with the relationship, and money issues etc to the nth degree before taking the step of moving in with someone (as I did with my now husband. at the moment I have higher earnings than him, so I help out and pay more into the household account, and chores are 50/50. When the time comes that I earn less/work less hours to bring up future children, he will contribute more, I will do more chores)
But I cannot see the logic of 'its only fair if we work the same hours' It seems a completely backwards way of thinking to me.

You live together, your in a relationship you should be a team. and teams work together, and work through any rough patches, whether the rough patch is for one of both of you matters not.

Personally I do not know what I would do to resolve it. as much as I loved someone I do not think I could be with them long term if they were on such a different level of understanding to me. and it would eventually lead to break up.

I hope your full time job starts soon, and you pay off your card asap. and if he is ever in financial trouble/difficulties, I hope you give him a taste of his own medicine. xx

minimoneysaver

I can't believe how naive you are being OP. You came here for advise. We all spent our precious time responding with honest views.... don't you think many of us are talking from experience. You then turn around, say you 'talked' to him, although I have a pretty good idea of what that entailed, as I've been there, but you already know that. He talked at you and told you how it was going to be, you rolled over and accepted. Two or three months time from now, you will be in debt up to your eyeballs. Your daughter will be going without the things that make life nice and you will be asking for more advise. Guess what the answer will be?

candygirl

For everyone who's given advice to the OP, myself included please don't think it will be wasted.
It has helped me realise I did the right thing in ending it with my tightwad ex last week.Even though we had only been in a short relationship his attitude to money made me feel physically sick:(:(I did try and discuss it with him, but he was too obsessed with his bank balance to take notice:mad:

Moominjules

I have just shown this post to my husband... and his perspective... 'the blokes a ****!' (the very naughty C word!)

Harsh perhaps, but honest! and thats his male perspective on the matter!.

the_cat

candygirl wrote: »

For everyone who's given advice to the OP, myself included please don't think it will be wasted.
It has helped me realise I did the right think in ending it with my tightwad ex last week.Even though we had only been in a short relationship his attitude to money made me feel physically sick:(:(I did try and discuss it with him, but he was too obsessed with his bank balance to take notice:mad:

Thank you for sharing that. I was starting to feel pretty disheartened about this thread

It seems that no matter how many people (of both sexes) tell the OP that he is out of order and that there are deep problems here, she doesn't want to hear it. Very sad

OP - I wish you well and hope you sort things out.

Zazen999

OP.

You posted a thread asking for a male perspective on your situation.

When 99% of people agreed with you - what were you going to do with that information?

As, if 99% of people disagreed with you - then I could understand you just - well - going along with it. But for 99% to agree with you, and for you still to take his stance, just beggars belief. Why ask if you were not going to act on the situation?

This situation is putting you into debt. Most people who are in awkward situations are worried about splitting as THAT would put them in debt - but you would be better off; and he has his own flat. So, if he just went there, you could still be a couple whilst you work it out and you would be better off.

You knew there was a problem or you wouldn't have posted.

Very very bizarre.

southoftheriver

Just so you don't feel like i'm attacking you, I was one of those people who always thought I knew what I would do in a certain situation i.e. "If my OH ever did this I would...."

I feel for you. You are obviously a hard working dedicated mum who wants to work at her relationship. But you know something isn't right, a thread full of people know, your 12 year old daughter knows and still you are taking the weight of this alone.

I really hope you see that you deserve better. Your daughter deserves better too.

*Louise*

It's so simple and it has been said already. You ask him to move back to his flat because you just can't manage money-wise.

He has 2 options after that:

1) He agrees and moves out. The you know where you stand and continue the relationship as you had previously.
2) He says he loves you and wants to be with you and agrees to try and sort things out.

All this talk of not having joint finances because you're not married is just delay tactics. It doesn't sound like he is even thinking about marrying you, therefore he can justify your finances remaning in limbo indefinitely.


Unfortunately OP, you sound like you are just going to accept 'his' decision on the current situation. God forbid you are made redundant again or you fall ill because you know what is going to happen and that thought of 'how will I manage' will be constantly niggling at the back of your mind.

Also...OP I think you have just a little too much pride when it comes to money. There is nothing wrong in admitting you made a mistake in the calculations and wanting it re-evaluated.

You say you have taken a month to speak to him about this, it 'could' be you have hid your situation quite well and he has genuinely not realised how bad things are and this has come as a surprise to him. (Maybe, I am trying my best to see a different view here) a man with no children won't have a much of a clue about the implications of tax credits on your finances. However there is no excuse for him not trying to help once faced with the reality of the situation. His lack of support doesn't bode well for your future together

I do wish you luck, you sound like a good person who is trying her best to be fair, and you have tried to justify him a numer of times throughout this thread (which I hope he realises if he does read it!)



Edited to add: I have read the whole thread and you don't say how much he contributes to the housework? Does he do 50% of that as well? Or is he one of those people who doesn't think it constitutes 'real work'?

ekkygirl

I feel for you OP however I am a girl. As far as I can see you cannot afford this bloke and are better off without him. Look at the facts. He moves out of his flat and could potentially rent it out for £400+ he only has to pay you £350 and has no bills of his own to pay, already he is 50 quid up! Who wouldn't move in? . He sounds tight and its early days of the "living together" alarm bells should be ringing.

esmy

OP if you're still reading this, watch out for when you go full time and he expects you to be contributing 2/3 (you and your child) to the household budget....