Help seeing a male's point of view?

RadoJo

OP - does he want to get married? Have you discussed it? It sounds as though his reasons for everything are because you aren't married, (and before anyone points it out, I know that plenty of people on here think that wouldn't change anything, but that's only supposition), which makes me wonder whether this is a factor in the way he's acting?

Tropez

Male here.

My partner moved in to my house permanently a few weeks ago.

Currently, our arrangement is a temporary one until we see how things go but as it stands we agreed in principal to paying a percentage of our incomes into a joint account to take care of household bills and any joint expenses that might be incurred in the future. I earn more than she does so I pay in more money overall, not that it matters to me.

Anything that is a more individual expense we add to the joint account contribution. For instance, we split the cost of the basic Sky package but because I want the movies and sports channels I add the difference for them to my monthly contribution. My partner pays for a second phone number for our landline because she needs it for business. We tot up these expenses and just add them to our monthly contributions to the joint account and the bills will be debited from this account.

While obviously it is too soon to see whether this will work out in the long term but it seems to me to be the best for the both of us - we both contribute to the running of the home but have our own incomes to spend on anything we might choose to buy individually.

Of course, we don't have children (although there's a lot of dogs running around the place now :rotfl:) but to be honest if my partner had children then I would be happy to contribute to their upbringing too.

If my partner was no longer bringing an income in then I would take things over - afterall, I care about her more than money - and if she had a decline in her income then I'm sure we would just readjust our percentages to make up for it.

Money_maker

A few more of my musings before I leave this thread:

OP thinks everything will be alright when she works full-time, unfortunately this is not the case. Financially she will presumably be better off but she will have the same partner with the same attitude. There is more to life than money.

He likes her to ask if she's short of cash - is he controlling, mean or has he been raised in that type of family?

OP defends him by either putting herself down or making excuses for him - think we've all seen these types of posts before. No one is going to change her mind until she does. It may help her to re read this thread and imagine we are talking about her daughter as and adult going through this scenario.

We understand he is tight with money, spends lots of time and money on his hobbies, never takes you out, doesn't appear to have any sort of relationship with your daughter etc. but getting back to my question I posted several pages ago which you must have forgotten to answer - what exactly are YOU getting out of this relationship?

I think the answer to this may help clear things in your mind.

valos_mummy

OP - I think you have just had a taster of what to expect whenever sh*t hits the fan for you. If you get made redundant from this full time job coming up, or god forbid you get sick or have an accident I think it's fairly safe to assume he will say "tough kitties coz I won't help you until you're working again" and you will struggle until the point where you have the baliffs at the door.


You may be able to sort yourself out when more hours come along, but can you forget that he was happy to sit back and let you struggle when things got tough? You wouldn't do that to him, why does he think it's acceptable to do that to you? And when you have to start dishing out for childcare, do you think he'll help you with that? Of course not, after all he's not responsible is he? And if you start to struggle again his answer will be "work more hours then".

Although he'll probably have a nice whinge if his laundry isn't done, or dinner isn't on the table....

I'm sorry, but he's worse off my bum. Pays £350 + £70 food to you, brings in £2000 + whatever he'll be making off the rent....even without the rent he has over £1000 to play with each month. Which he does. On kites. Not that I'd begrudge a hobby, but seriously - he'd spend all that on himself and watch you go into debt?

The bottom line is unless he mans up and accepts that moving in = partnership, commitment and not a game of one-upmanship this will not work. Ever. He calculates to the penny and says you have to ask him for money (which he can then refuse) because he wants to feel superior to you. He wants you to understand that he's the one with the money and he can giveth and taketh away and you have to lump it. This sound like hubby material?!

If I were you, I'd do the following

* Get him to move back into his flat
* Tell him that after 5 years it should be obvious you aren't a golddigger, and if he ever insinuates this again you will demonstrate the contrary by dumping his wallet and his sorry !!!.
* Inform him that after 5 years he should love and care for your daughter like his own and should want to treat her from time to time. You shouldn't have to remind him of her birthday anymore. Get him a calendar, circle the date and if he "forgets" again then god help him.
* When you are ready to think about letting him move back in he needs to do his fair share of the housework, after all you're working full time. If he still insists on having "his" food money, tell him he can keep it, buy his own groceries and cook his own dinner.
* And last, but most importantly, he needs a man to man talk. Tell your dad exactly what's been going on. Dad will then have a nice chat with OH and remind him what being a man is all about. And it's not about being a childish pedantic brat.

74jax

I didn't manage to update last night as busy talking with bf and so didn't get the chance. It wasn't because I didn't like what I read and thought I'd leave it. Like I said many posts earlier, I didn't post just to get the good replies.

A lot of you think I'm willing to have him walk all over me because this argument happened at the weekend and I haven't thrown him out by now. Like I said, I don't want my daughter to see me move someone in and out again in 2 months without having gone through all the options.

Some of you think I should send him back to his flat until a time we work out that we can live together. This isn't really an option to me. We either work at living together or call it a day. I don't want to go back tohow we were.

You are all correct in saying at 35 I have a whole life ahead of me. I am not afraid of living alone again or being single. I am extremely independant, probably too much so and maybe that is what I will take from this relationship, next time to let my guard down a little bit. I've lived with my daughter for 10 years alone, I'm sure I can pick up the pieces after having bf living with me for 2 months.

I posted on here for a male view as I truely couldn't see his. I got several really good replies. It was strange to see the autisum mentioned in one reply as believe it or not that has been mentioned to me by 2 friends, but I just disregarded it.

Anyway, after another talk last night, it would appear where I though him moving in was as we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, to him it was 'to see how things go'. Before we moved in I explained the committment I saw moving in to be, and not to do it if he didn't feel the same. I feel let down he went ahead anyway. He said the way I feel is what he feels a marriage to be. I said after 5 years, if I was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he would know.

Whether you are in the right or wrong in a relationship it is hard to say goodbye. Last night was spent talking a lot and then quiet reflection. I think we have both learned a lot from this relationship. We leave each other still on speaking terms etc and not after a huge argument, bustup, fight etc. But it is still numbing and empty.

i just wanted to update you all as some said I'd left the thread as didn't like what I'd read. That wasn't the case at all. I just didn't have the time.

mrcow

5 years is a long time to break up from.

I'm glad you're staying on positive terms, you never know, he may come round one day.

hot.chick

((HUGS))

Just wanted to say I wish you all the best...

You have been very grown up about the situation talking and discussing - which isn't easy.

It's alaways sad when two people are in the same situation but turn out to see things very differently.

Well done for not letting this drag on and making youself more frustrated and unhappy.

x x x

the_cat

(((((((hugs))))))))))

Jax, I'm sorry we were proved right. Look after yourself

January20

74jax, I am so sorry for you. Please take comfort in the fact it all happened early on, and not later when you and your dd had invested even more emotionally and otherwise in this relationship.

Reading your latest post reminds me how important communication is and how some men (and women I'm sure) really need things to be spelled out for them. His comment about his reason for moving in with you really explains why he seemed to lack commitment so much.

I have to say that I admire the way you dealt with some of the posts (mine for instance) and if your responses to this thread are any indication of the person you are in real life, then this man is turning down the chance to have a great life companion. His loss! You are young and someone worthy of you will come along.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs OP. Brave choice and I think the right one. He would know after 5 years if you were for him. Lots of lovely men around.