Help seeing a male's point of view?

Jo_R_2

I've read through most of the posts here, and my god he does come across as being a right pr!ck!

I can however (unfortunately!) relate to some of what you have said OP - about what he has said.

My OH has come out with similar things in the past. The ones that spring to mind are the comments about how things are "different if you're married", and how he doesn't know things you think he should.

I think like you, things are 'complicated' (doesn't feel like the right word but will use it for now) when you have children from a previous marriage. OH often felt he was effectively subsidising my DDs - it took me a while to realise for us it was because my ex doesn't pay an awful lot by way of maintenance and given particularly that my ex and OH are long-term friends, he really felt like he was being taken the p!ss out of - ie it wasn't directly to do with me.

I have also long come to the conclusion that some male OHs (not all btw but I do include my OH in this!) really are not aware of financial goings on, not because they're stupid (!) but they just don't think about it unless pressed. My OH is like this - I have to strategically tell him anything and god forbid I ever expect him to know anything -huge mistake!

That's not to defend your (ex?) OH btw. I think there is a lack on his part of a willingness to actually immerse himself in the situation and rather than just listen, for him to actually understand. And my instinct tells me that even if he did, he sees things very black and white, mine and yours, and if he's like this even though you've been together for 5 years, how likely is it that he'll acquiesce and change his ways and integrate his money more into the family unit you now are (and should be.)

I do remember you said he said moving in was to 'see how it goes' but for you it was a big commitment and I think this is very telling, the fact you two see things differently. I don't think he is 'wrong' to see it like that but it does explain things somewhat.

candygirl

Awww hun I do think you have made the right decision, and know it can't have been easy (((huggles))):o:o

skypie123_2

Hugs honey.
The right man is out there for you somewhere.
I think you handled the responses and your situation with dignity and class
xx

Mrs_justjohn

OP

A brave decision and clearly not one you have made lighty. I believe this is the best outcome for both you and your daughter and I also believe it is the worse possible outcome for your (ex)BF, but I think it will be a while before he realises that! I said all along he was protecting himself financially and was ensuring he could walk away when ever he wanted, and it was that for me that was the tell tale sign that he was not as commited and sure as you were.

Good luck and soldier on and you will find the love of a man that deserves you and your DD.

BTW - Don't forget to advise WFTC that he has moved(moving) out as you will need your benefits to go back up ASAP. Also the Council tax offices for your single person discount...etc...etc...

justjohn

Good luck OP

Plenty more fish in the sea, chin up.

And thank you for comming back to us with the outcome.

JaneRN

So sorry for what you will no doubt be going through. I hope you get yourself back on track soon and wish you all the best for the future. I'm impressed with your ability to see the best in people as you've defended your (ex) BF despite the tough comments on this thread. I'm also pleased that despite your love for this man that you can see that your (and your daughters) future is better without him as you OH. He may reflect on this and gain some insight into his behaviour and be prepared to change, but don't lay all your hopes on this.
Take care.

clairehi

74jax wrote: »

IAnyway, after another talk last night, it would appear where I though him moving in was as we loved each other and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, to him it was 'to see how things go'. Before we moved in I explained the committment I saw moving in to be, and not to do it if he didn't feel the same. I feel let down he went ahead anyway. He said the way I feel is what he feels a marriage to be. I said after 5 years, if I was who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, he would know.

Hi Jax

I think youve dealt with this in a really mature and considered way, well done. I can totally understand that you didnt want to make a snap decision and from the above it does seem that you have concluded there are "irreconcilable differences".

Please stay strong and remember what you have written here, and why you have made this decision. After 5 years it is hard to walk away, but you need to protect yourself and your DD. So what I am saying is please dont change your mind in a lonely moment because what you have done now is the right decision!

ecgirl07

OP i wish you all the best in the future!

mikey72

Good luck.
The only thing I would add though, is that maybe you need to express yourself in black and white terms to some people.
I always told my wife I don't do hints. It's not on purpose, I really just don't process them. A hint to me is telling me what she wants, where to get it, and what date it's needed by.
But equally I'm not offended by people having any way of being to the point. In fact I prefer it as it doesn't waste time.
I've always been the same though, so she married me this way, and me kids know me as well, so they give me detailed instructions too.

justjohn

mikey72 wrote: »

Good luck.
The only thing I would add though, is that maybe you need to express yourself in black and white terms to some people.
I always told my wife I don't do hints. It's not on purpose, I really just don't process them. A hint to me is telling me what she wants, where to get it, and what date it's needed by.
But equally I'm not offended by people having any way of being to the point. In fact I prefer it as it doesn't waste time.
I've always been the same though, so she married me this way, and me kids know me as well, so they give me detailed instructions too.

Same here..womens hints and mens hints are different lol

Its not that we are thick its just we either jump to wrong conclusion or think its just a comment. Dont think that was the case with this guy though. He new exactly what the score was!!!!