What happened to getting married before having children?

clairehi

The reason to get married has changed completely in the last 30 years.

People used to need to get married for a public reason - to have society's permission to have a sexual relationship, cohabit and have children.

They dont need to do that anymore.

So people get married for private reasons nowadays to do with their own beliefs and values. If they dont have those beliefs and values themselves they dont get married.

rumncoke

Just like to add my opinion. I am happily married & soon to celebrate silver wedding. We were brought up to believe marriage 1st etc. Due to the changing attitude to unmarried couples I do not think getting married is necessary anymore.

My 1 sister is now on 3rd marriage (2 kids form 1st) & the other 1 is about to split from 2nd husband of 20 years(2 kids from this one)

My sister in law however has never married her OH although they have been together 28 years & have 3 kids. Although a little rocky in the early days (partner still trying to lead bachelor life) they are now happier than they have ever been & likewise kids.

I would say that SIL relationship has shown that the "piece of paper" has not made a blind bit of difference. On the otherhand both my sisters have ended up throwing away the so called commitment more than once. (not lightly I know)

seven-day-weekend

My husband and I got married because we loved each other and wanted to legally declare that. I would have not felt he loved me enough if he did not want to marry me. I would have always felt he was just waiting for a better option.

Neither of us ever considered not marrying.

We did not have our son for another nine years (by choice).

Given the amunt of single parents these days, I do not consider having children is making a commitment to anyone. Any man can be a sperm donor.

Mely

bylromarha wrote: »

Having read your post, I can think of at least 20 couples in my wider circle of friends that meet that criteria (met. married and had children within 36 months) All now married 5 - 25+ years with between 1 and 4 kids.

I don't think it is too much too soon. I think our disposable selfish society can no longer cope with the idea of something for lifetime where you put the other before yourself.

Despite all the talk of "it's only a piece of paper" a marriage commitment is, in most cases, a formal announcement of your full intention to stick together through thick and thin and is harder to get out of than a committed relationship. If it solely is a piece of paper to a lot of people, why not just get it for financial ease? Turn up at the registry office in jeans, don't tell anyone about it, do it for yourselves.

Just taking it back 20 years to 1990 when marriage was going off trend: I can honestly say I know of no couple here in 2010 that have been living together for 20 years, but can count a few that are celebrating around their 20th wedding anniversary. A long term relationship without a formal commitment is too easy to get out of. Had I not been married to OH, I can think of 2 occasions where we'd have ended. But we committed to working through those issues 19th June 1999, so we did.

Excellent post:T:T:T:T

seven-day-weekend

Mely wrote: »

Excellent post:T:T:T:T

Seconded...

kindofagilr

IWantToBeFree wrote: »

Is it parents who don't live together that you object to or parents who aren't married because the title of your thread suggests one thing and then your post suggests another....

Personally, I don't understand what the issue is as long as the child has a good upbringing.

I agree with this.

OP I am offended by your post.

Ive always wanted the big white wedding, its the one thing in life I wanted (I didnt get lots of things in life that I wanted, and didnt have a great start in life, which I wont go into here) so for me and my fiance we want to save for that day, because we want that day (I dont care that I can get married for a lot cheper at the registery office, thats not what I want)

We are engaged, we own a house together, we have a 4 month old baby, we did it this way as it will take us a few years to save for a wedding, and I am nearly 30 (yes yes yes I know its not old and theres plenty of time for kids etc) and we wanted children now.

I dont think ANYONE should judge anyone else on whether they choose to marry or not, have kids or not, live together or not (unless they are doing it to sponge benefits etc)

Times have moved on, its not necessary to marry to live together and have kids.

But as I said, we are getting married, but wanted our baby first.

Torry_Quine

kindofagilr wrote: »

I agree with this.

OP I am offended by your post.

Ive always wanted the big white wedding, its the one thing in life I wanted (I didnt get lots of things in life that I wanted, and didnt have a great start in life, which I wont go into here) so for me and my fiance we want to save for that day, because we want that day (I dont care that I can get married for a lot cheper at the registery office, thats not what I want)

We are engaged, we own a house together, we have a 4 month old baby, we did it this way as it will take us a few years to save for a wedding, and I am nearly 30 (yes yes yes I know its not old and theres plenty of time for kids etc) and we wanted children now.

I dont think ANYONE should judge anyone else on whether they choose to marry or not, have kids or not, live together or not (unless they are doing it to sponge benefits etc)

Times have moved on, its not necessary to marry to live together and have kids.

But as I said, we are getting married, but wanted our baby first.

It doesn't have to cost a fortune to have a big white wedding though and certainly not more than buying a house or having a child.

It's your decision but don't use lack of money as an excuse.

jtr2803

JodyBPM wrote: »

That's the point! You feel like you do, and would like to get married.
If he feels like that, why wouldn't he want to marry you?

Yes I would like to get married - that is my personal choice, at the same time I do not expect everyone else to have the same wishes as me. I didn't choose a partner based on the fact of whether they do or do not want to get married at some point. Once again, I do not believe you can assume that love and marriage equate to the same thing.

Spender wrote: »

Good point Jody, it sounds like she wants to get married but he doesnt.

I would ask that you do not make such a strong assumption as you do not know me or my partner. As it happens marriage is very likely for us in a few years time but that certainly doesn't make us any less in love or less of a committed couple in the mean time.

balletshoes

Almo wrote: »

This topic comes up so regularly it's almost like it's scheduled.

A very dear, very close friend of mine is getting married today and I am over the moon for her because that is what she wants and I am devastated that I can't be there to celebrate her relationship and her (and his) happiness. I don't know their exact motivation for getting married so can't comment on them in particular but other friends who are married have done so because of, variously, love, social pressure, security, in a bid to keep a relationship going and as a sort of middle finger to parental opinions.

I don't need to publicly declare the strength of my relationship - I know what it is, and that's enough. I've said this on here in the past; where I live now we have legal/financial protection in the event of something happening to either one of us. I am his next of kin (legally), and he is mine. In the eyes of the state we are married. If we move back to the UK we will probably get married because I want him to be my next of kin. If laws change before then and we have the same protection afforded to married couples, then it won't be necessary. As for this being a passive state, I moved thousands of miles with my OH, sponsored him to get a visa and signed documents to say that I am legally and financially responsible for him while he remains in this country regardless of whether we stay together or not. If that's not a conscious decision to be with someone, I don't know what is.

I would hazard a guess that the statistics which show that cohabitees are more likely to separate have more to do with the time of the relationship in the person's life - i.e many people cohabit before marriage and break up when it becomes clear they are not well suited. If the same people married (without cohabiting) I believe the statistics would be even - they'd still break up regardless of the marriage certificate.

I think it's really sad that either group feels the need to attack the other. If marriage is important to you then it is truly a wonderful event when it happens. Those for whom marriage is not important should not have to suffer being told their relationships are built on being passive, fear of the other half's opinion or any of the other things which are thrown around as reasons for being unmarried.

Totally agree, I have gone through similar stuff with the visas etc - not at all passive - those are concious decisions, stressful, expensive and time-consuming rings to jump through. Hardly the actions of someone who is just "settling" for something until someone else comes along.

Oldernotwiser

kindofagilr wrote: »

I agree with this.

OP I am offended by your post.

Ive always wanted the big white wedding, its the one thing in life I wanted (I didnt get lots of things in life that I wanted, and didnt have a great start in life, which I wont go into here) so for me and my fiance we want to save for that day, because we want that day (I dont care that I can get married for a lot cheper at the registery office, thats not what I want)

We are engaged, we own a house together, we have a 4 month old baby, we did it this way as it will take us a few years to save for a wedding, and I am nearly 30 (yes yes yes I know its not old and theres plenty of time for kids etc) and we wanted children now.

I dont think ANYONE should judge anyone else on whether they choose to marry or not, have kids or not, live together or not (unless they are doing it to sponge benefits etc)

Times have moved on, its not necessary to marry to live together and have kids.

But as I said, we are getting married, but wanted our baby first.

Marriage is not about a fancy dress and a party!