Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

Kevicho

dark_stranger wrote:

Donegal_Paul wrote:

because this is the 3rd time in 15 years that my other halfs done exactly this! and the last time was only 2 years ago.

I have absolutely no idea what to do , as i dont trust her and dont believe her when she says that theres nothing else!!!

ditto, this is not the 1st time i have helpped her out. Would she be so forgiving if I had betrayed her trust in another way? I dont think so, but maybe i should. Anyway, back to the money bit, how many more times do i have to help her out. There must be a breaking point, but with kids involved it makes it so hard to show her the door as i dont want my kids to be brought up in a nasty flat with half what they use to have just because their mum cant manage her finances.

Can I just ask a question, are you still together purely for the kids?

dark_stranger

i have asked myself that many times. Either way I am taking half a day to get this resolved 1 way or another.

Kevicho

dark_stranger wrote:

i have asked myself that many times. Either way I am taking half a day to get this resolved 1 way or another.

Sounds like a huge decision to make, sometimes parents do break up, and it works out for the better.

I think the missus does have to look at why she has racked up these debts, it may be that she feels your (what seems) fragile relationship is not providing enough joy in her life and she is using these shopping trips as a way to boost her esteem.

Im not saying this is your fault either, its 50/50 but you are responsible for a lot of this.

Before you go to talk this out go for a coffee or something and write down some questions you want to ask, make sure you think it through, write some positives and negatives, tell her these, if you can work out the negatives maybe there is hope.

I Wish you have the best of luck

oakdale_minx

I've hidden debt on more than once occasion and obviously not proud of it.

When I was discovered (sometimes I wasn't) it was horrible and the fear of being shouted/screamed at and verbally and mentally abused (with my ex) was awful.

I know you are angry but shouting at her will not help. You need to calmly sit down and ask exactly why she is spending. The chances are, the statements have been ditched - possibly without being opened if she is avoiding the issue.

Is she spending to help make ends meet in some way? I was, but fear of being 'told off' when the lavish lifestyle meant I had to say there was no money in the bank meant I just paid bills on CC's or shopped by CC.

Is she depressed? Lonely? Needing some kind of comfort? Tearing her hair out spending day after day at home with childre? Shopping/spending can be a good 'friend' for so many reasons , but obviously the end result isn't a good one.

It could well be the tip of the iceberg, it may well not be. The use of your name would be a concern as she may be having problems getting credit in her name. Credit records will give a full picture.

At the end of the day, she has kept a big secret from you. And that isn't nice and you have a right to be shocked and upset. But she is going to need a lot of support, not least so she feels comfortable being 100% honest with you about the situation.

Emmzi

In April (when she was bereaved) you posted about her wanting you out of the house, and how you could protect it. You said then you were going to review things -how did that go?

It sounds like you have already made up your mind, and need legal advice now; that this is merely bringing something you have been avoiding dealing with to a head..

I would also remove her name from the post you made in the credit card thread. No point being vindictive.

BestFootForward_2

dark_stranger wrote:

i have asked myself that many times. Either way I am taking half a day to get this resolved 1 way or another.

Hi ds

I was about to write almost exactly what oakdale_minx wrote.
Your emotions are obviously in control right now, so really really try to take a small step back. You are probably feeling p**sed that she has stomped on your dreams (new house with room for the kids, 19 hr days to get there etc), and you obviously feel betrayed.

I think it's important to know WHY she did it. You say that she hasn't spent it on clothes etc.
You may need to preapre yourself for the possibility that you may have played a part in this. Please don't take the following personally because I'm just generalising here:
Does she feel that she doesn't have control?
If kids are young, is she coping being at home all day?
Does having little of her own money upset her?

Lastly:
What she did was wrong. 100%
But you need to understand her reasons for doing it and accept that her feelings behind it are valid.
Here's an example of a thread of someone who kept their debt from their OH
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=206303

You need to really really really try to put yourself in her shoes, and get a feel for how she's feeling.

MrsTinks

Are you angry because someone has raked up debt that might effect you and your children or are you angry because the person you love with all your heart has betrayed you?
Get what I'm trying to say? Is this an excuse to break up because things are sour anyway? You need to make you mind up and decide if the relationship should continue. Staying together for the sake of the kids is a pathetic excuse! My parents broke up when I was young because they decided they no longer loved each other and it was wrong to stay together. No arguments. Yeah my mum wasn't well off, my dad was hardly wealthy either but somehow I seem to recall having a happy childhood... it's not the wealth in a childs life that matters... it's the love they are given and if two people stay together and don't love each other then the children will know.
I think you need to make your mind up before you start deciding on how to address her debt problems because you might want to deal with it differently if say you don't stay together...

Good luck

Donegal_Paul

dark_stranger wrote:

Donegal_Paul wrote:

because this is the 3rd time in 15 years that my other halfs done exactly this! and the last time was only 2 years ago.

I have absolutely no idea what to do , as i dont trust her and dont believe her when she says that theres nothing else!!!

ditto, this is not the 1st time i have helpped her out. Would she be so forgiving if I had betrayed her trust in another way? I dont think so, but maybe i should. Anyway, back to the money bit, how many more times do i have to help her out. There must be a breaking point, but with kids involved it makes it so hard to show her the door as i dont want my kids to be brought up in a nasty flat with half what they use to have just because their mum cant manage her finances.

My god I could have posted that!!!
When i say i know exactly how you feel, I mean it :-(

coolio_2

Surely it'd her mess, nothing to do with you

JohalaReewi

It is not all as bad as it seems. 10K is not a huge debt these days (ask most graduates) and there is plenty of help out there but you need to get over the shock and take stock.

A good starting point is to read Martin's article about getting out of debt.

http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/cgi-bin/viewnews.cgi?newsid1103204730,72152,

There are links to debt counselling agencies in that article too which you might find useful.

What happens to all your stuff depends on who owns it. Your GF's debts are in her name so they are her debts not yours (unless they are in joint names) and only her assets can be seized to pay the debts off.

You might also be interested in a recent related thread...

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=253985