Help! Misses has aquired massive debts

Honeybee_2

Although what she's done is wrong, it's all out in the open now and you can help her to face up to it.

I've been there myself, my ex got us into a lot of debt (in my name) and I didn't find out about it until he'd walked out on me and 3 kids. I know you're angry with your missus, rightly so, but she's probably feeling sick inside thinking about it.

vodkabarbie

dark_stranger, I completely understand why you are so cross - in a previous relationship I found out that my partner had several CCJS and owed about twice this amount, I was a student with a bar job and he had irregular income and I only found out when we looked at getting a flat together and were refused.

Needless to say it was a terrible shock and I was angry, disappointed....all the rest of it....but it didn't mean the end of our relationship.

If I were you I'd give yourself today or maybe even till tomorrow till you can be a little bit calmer. Sit down with your OH - maybe see if you can get someone to look after the kids for a couple of hours - and explain as calmly as you can exactly why you are so upset with the deceit (putting it in your name) and that you are worried given that you have children etc.

Tell her the only way forward is if she is honest with you now - is this the only debt? why is it in your name? can you see the statements?
Go through the statements then tell her she needs to work out how to pay this back - she needs to make the calls to the card company, agree a minimum payment, work out what to give up to pay it back - or otherwise she won't take responsibility and will do it again. Also take the card and put in in ice in the freezer or cut it up or something!

Hopefully this is all the debt she has and it's a genuine mistake but don't write the relationship off until you know the full extent of what is going on - if you are very angry and there is stuff to hide you will never find it out.

Good luck with this one!

Toomuchdebt

There's really not an awful lot you can do right now until you get home and talk to her(and I mean talk not go in there shouting and threatening).I have never hidden my debt from either my ex husband or my bf now as I hate having secrets like that,but everyone is different and maybe she was hoping she could pay it all back before you found out.The fact that she got a card in your surname not hers is worrying though and there may well be other debts but please give her a chance to explain.Once you have all the facts you can come back here and post a full SOA (ie what you have coming in,what is going out etc) and everyone here will be willing to help advise you on how best to deal with the debt.I don't think getting her to ask parents for help is a good idea-presumably she would have already done so if she had thought they would lend her money.Ultimately she has to take responsibility for her debt and if that means working more hours a week then she should do so.Of course you can help pay the debt for her but you can't pay it off for her if she doesn't realise what a mess she's got into.Hope that makes sense-iI'm stressing about a job interview so may not be as lucid as I normally am.

Julieboo

Hi,
I know your GF's spending may have come as a shock-but there are many reasons why people get in debt-boredom, depression, lonliness, etc but what she needs right now is a big hug from the person who loves her. Yes, you have a right to be angry but that isn't going to get any of you anywhere. Just sit down, give her a hug and ask her why-maybe you both may even learn something to prevent this from happening again and to strengthen your relationship. Then work out a plan, yes she has to accept that she has to work harder to pay it off but support her in this.

MoneyMagnet

I totally understand why you feel so angry - she has betrayed your trust, and that's not easy to deal with, but I think that if you want to find out why she got into debt & didn't tell you, then directing your anger at her is just going to be counterproductive. She probably had good reasons for wanting to keep it to herself, even if she was being misguided. Maybe she thought she could handle it alone, and didn't want to worry you? There are a lot of threads on this board from ppl who were hiding their debt from their partner - of course her situation could be totally different, but maybe reading a few of those might give you some insight into how she might be feeling, and her reasons for not telling you? But in any case, it's best to delay discussing the issue until you've calmed down a bit.

I agree that you need to find out why she used your name, and to find out if there are any more debts. If not, £10K is not such a huge amount, and is perhaps manageable IF she recognises that she has to stop spending, and maybe work extra hours, etc. Unfortunately you can't force her to have a light bulb moment, but hopefully now it's in the open, she'll realise things need to change.

I don't think that ordering her around will help - the decision to change her spending habits & clear the debt has to be hers. I also agree with the other posters who have said that asking her parents for help is a bad idea. The debt is nothing to do with them - she is an adult & needs face up to the consequences of her actions, not be bailed out by them (or by you).

I hope things improve from now on for you both, but please try to put your anger aside enough to discuss it calmly & give her a chance to explain. Chances are she realises her mistakes by now, and your support (emotional support, not necessarily financial) will be invaluable as she faces up to the reasons for her overspending, and builds new, more sensible habits. (Of course, if she is determined to refuse to admit that there's a problem, and carries on spending regardless, then that's different, and you'll probably want to give serious thought to your future together, but at least give her the chance to talk calmly & see where she's at before doing anything drastic!)

Donegal_Paul

i can understand completely why the OP feels as he does.

Ive jsut found out this week that my Mrs has done something similar.
£2800 on an overdraft which she'd run up to cover storecards.
A yorkshire bank visa's that £1500 and they want it all back now
A loan of about £4000 she'd also taken out to cover debts.
Today I found thing from the courts about a capital one debt of £1800.

Now its all very well getting at those that say that the OP's other half may have other debts and will do it again, well i agree that she probably will.

why?

because this is the 3rd time in 15 years that my other halfs done exactly this! and the last time was only 2 years ago.

I have absolutely no idea what to do , as i dont trust her and dont believe her when she says that theres nothing else!!!

I think im going to have to check with the credit agencies because my recent application for a barclaycard has been declined which has now screwed me big time as i was about to do a balance transfer from my egg and close it especially as they are about to put their interest up to 17.9%!!!!!

Lara44

Just wanted to point out Dark Stranger that your g-friend, even though she might not do much work in a paid job, she is looking after your kids all day... which is not at all an easy or cushy position.

Payingitallback

I know you are upset and feel very decieved right now but all the shouting in the world is not going to make this debt go away.

People get in debt for many reasons, she may be lonley or depressed? You have said you were doing 19hr days - that may have contributed to her feeling so low.
I wish you would refrain from calling her a stupid cow though as at the end of the day mate 99% of people on this board have been or are in debt, its not hard to get into believe me.

I hope you can sit down together and work this out in a calm fashion with no argueing and shouting.

I have been in your partners place with a hidden debt from my OH and am guessing that right now she feels sick to her stomach and probably does not want to have to face you.

Good luck & i hope it gets resolved

Payingitallback

dark_stranger

Donegal_Paul wrote:

because this is the 3rd time in 15 years that my other halfs done exactly this! and the last time was only 2 years ago.

I have absolutely no idea what to do , as i dont trust her and dont believe her when she says that theres nothing else!!!

ditto, this is not the 1st time i have helpped her out. Would she be so forgiving if I had betrayed her trust in another way? I dont think so, but maybe i should. Anyway, back to the money bit, how many more times do i have to help her out. There must be a breaking point, but with kids involved it makes it so hard to show her the door as i dont want my kids to be brought up in a nasty flat with half what they use to have just because their mum cant manage her finances.

smilermonkey

Am so sorry for your situation DS.I really hope you both work it all out as all i can read in your posts is the word 'I' alot and ssometimes 'she' and 'her'. It sounds like seperate people rather than a couple. This is how me and ex OH were and it does not bode well for you. I genuinly hope this all sorts out.