Im so sad

Spendless

Fang wrote: »

Unless of course he means nursing, which the OP mentioned. There are grants and bursaries available that would bring hoe more than £500 a month during the course, and a lot more after it.

I don't think it was a 'threat' to split, more an expression of how he's feeling. I'd be annoyed if my partner wanted to continue on a low wage after I'd worked incredibly long, and hard hours over six years to better myself for my family. I'd be furious. Some people have the desire to better themselves, and some people are happy to let others do it but then benefits from their hard work.

Have you considered that the reason he was able to work hard and long even after the birth of their planned baby is because the OP took on the lions share of childcare?

My husband's job and salary soared after we had our children, but the reason he could put the effort in was because I stayed at home with the children enabling him to work long hours, start early, finish late, be away o/night, attend conferences abroad. If I'd asked him to take 50% of the childcare responsibilities on he wouldn't have been able to fast-track his career.

There is more to contributing to the family/household than how much money you fetch in.

diamondgirl007

Every way I look at this I seem to have a catch 22 until my son goes to school. He is in paid for nursery right now, family members did look after him but cannot manage anymore. We currently pay £100 per week, and get £300 per month from tax credit to help with this. That by the way is our whole tax credit award. We also get the child benefit. I bring in £500 per month approx. and I think he wage is about £1200 per month. He has always had a budget, he sorts out all finances so we know where everything goes.

He does like his 'toys'. A new tv was purchased last year, we didnt need it and it took £100 per month out of our budget. Various other items were needed, i.e. clothes which went on a credit card and a stag do weekend also. We paid this off but he had used some of the saved tv money for the stag weekend so the tv then went on the credit card. As did the season ticket. We have about £900 left to pay off this.

He is thinking about our long term future in all of this. Moving house, having extra money etc. I just at the moment don't see a viable way to go what with having the little one.

Any

Fang wrote: »

Unless of course he means nursing, which the OP mentioned. There are grants and bursaries available that would bring hoe more than £500 a month during the course, and a lot more after it.

I don't think it was a 'threat' to split, more an expression of how he's feeling. I'd be annoyed if my partner wanted to continue on a low wage after I'd worked incredibly long, and hard hours over six years to better myself for my family. I'd be furious. Some people have the desire to better themselves, and some people are happy to let others do it but then benefits from their hard work.

On one side I agree, on the other I don't.

The OP does bring some money in and if she goes to full time work it won't work much better. Her wages now are not taxable due to the amount involved and everything from now on will be. Any credits they will loose due to them earning over 30K pa.

Government is preparing cuts and I doubt that there will be much for people changing careers.

When OP's husband married her, he knew who he is marrying. Just because he wants her to be professional earning tens of thousands of pounds doesn't mean she must/wants to do it. There are people who don't want the stress and responsibility coming with high flying career.

As she said she wants to do something and is looking into nursing, but it won't be easy to find a placement and I doubt the money will be that good - while he said is either that or divorce. He has got issues, none of his reasoning makes any sense what so ever.

If the OP was sitting on her bum all day at home and did nothing - but she already works with 16 mth baby while her MIL has the son and if she goes full time they will have to pay the nursery. They already know that. You are doing like the OP is lazy sod which to me it doesn't sound like that, to me it just sounds like she is being sensible.

It would all make much more sense if they waited another 18mths - 2yrs and once the child is at school then start? Why the rush when it is going to cost more to send her to work?

Any

Spendless wrote: »

Have you considered that the reason he was able to work hard and long even after the birth of their planned baby is because the OP took on the lions share of childcare?

My husband's job and salary soared after we had our children, but the reason he could put the effort in was because I stayed at home with the children enabling him to work long hours, start early, finish late, be away o/night, attend conferences abroad. If I'd asked him to take 50% of the childcare responsibilities on he wouldn't have been able to fast-track his career.

There is more to contributing to the family/household than how much money you fetch in.

I completely agree.

I get the feeling that no matter how much the child was planned, the OP's husband didn't imagine it will mean any sacrifices.

Pee

I really, really hope that I am wrong but the you retrain or we split makes me wonder if he sees himself as moving on from this relationship, which is tough as you are married and the courts would look at you as a SAHM and consider this was the way it should be until child was school age and assume you would be earning about £8k pa working school hours thereafter. If at the point you divorced you were a fully trained nurse with a far more substantial salary, I think he would lose less in the divorce.

Do you intend to have more children?

I think you really need to be clear that you will be doing whatever you feel is appropriate until the youngest child is 5 and you will then be retraining as a nurse / ambulance person (as this is what you would like to do and seems a sensible and positive direction for you.)

I have broken up with people in the early stages of a relationship because they did not have enough get up and go, or even because they had too much for me. That's something he should have thought about before you got married and before you had children.

January20

diamondgirl007 wrote: »

Every way I look at this I seem to have a catch 22 until my son goes to school. He is in paid for nursery right now, family members did look after him but cannot manage anymore. We currently pay £100 per week, and get £300 per month from tax credit to help with this. That by the way is our whole tax credit award. We also get the child benefit. I bring in £500 per month approx. and I think he wage is about £1200 per month. He has always had a budget, he sorts out all finances so we know where everything goes.

He does like his 'toys'. A new tv was purchased last year, we didnt need it and it took £100 per month out of our budget. Various other items were needed, i.e. clothes which went on a credit card and a stag do weekend also. We paid this off but he had used some of the saved tv money for the stag weekend so the tv then went on the credit card. As did the season ticket. We have about £900 left to pay off this.

He is thinking about our long term future in all of this. Moving house, having extra money etc. I just at the moment don't see a viable way to go what with having the little one.

What's the point of having material possessions if one of you is not happy?

Mr.Mulla

Your husband sounds a little too demanding. But I think you can still come up with a compromise where you can have what you want and him as well.

I'd say seat down together. Do the math. Come up with a better budgeting plan. I'm sure you'll find other expenses that you can do without.

Plus, there are some home based jobs that you can do that will bring in a little more earning. It might not contribute much but it is still a contribution.

Good luck

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If he is prepared to split up because you aren't providing enough money for him to spend, how does he think he will be able to afford his desired lifestyle when paying maintenance for you and his child?

That is a nasty thing to threaten and if he really means it, than that says loads about how committed a father he actually is, that he would be prepared to deprive his child of a father in preference to having to watch the pennies for a bit longer.

I wonder if he is slavishly following the crowd at work? You do get these groups where the wannabe alpha males all go on about how they've sent the wife out to work rather than sit on her bum watching TV and getting fat, etc, etc. The man who quietly says he prefers to have his children cared for by their mother can get ridiculed for being under the thumb. Perhaps his colleagues' wives are very highly paid themselves and he's just not managing to keep up with the oneupmanship.

I hope you can sort this out, OP, as whilst it is fine for both partners to contribute towards a relationship, it really isn't right that all you actually do for him and your child doesn't seem to count in his eyes.

Fang_3

Spendless wrote: »

Have you considered that the reason he was able to work hard and long even after the birth of their planned baby is because the OP took on the lions share of childcare?

My husband's job and salary soared after we had our children, but the reason he could put the effort in was because I stayed at home with the children enabling him to work long hours, start early, finish late, be away o/night, attend conferences abroad. If I'd asked him to take 50% of the childcare responsibilities on he wouldn't have been able to fast-track his career.

There is more to contributing to the family/household than how much money you fetch in.

The planned baby that wasn't so planned, by admission of the OP? And she hasn't taken on the lion's share. She does two days alone, because by her own admission she needs to work for three days. For the other two days it's perfectly possible that he does the lion's share.

Fang_3

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

If he is prepared to split up because you aren't providing enough money for him to spend, how does he think he will be able to afford his desired lifestyle when paying maintenance for you and his child?

That is a nasty thing to threaten and if he really means it, than that says loads about how committed a father he actually is, that he would be prepared to deprive his child of a father in preference to having to watch the pennies for a bit longer.

I wonder if he is slavishly following the crowd at work? You do get these groups where the wannabe alpha males all go on about how they've sent the wife out to work rather than sit on her bum watching TV and getting fat, etc, etc. The man who quietly says he prefers to have his children cared for by their mother can get ridiculed for being under the thumb. Perhaps his colleagues' wives are very highly paid themselves and he's just not managing to keep up with the oneupmanship.

I hope you can sort this out, OP, as whilst it is fine for both partners to contribute towards a relationship, it really isn't right that all you actually do for him and your child doesn't seem to count in his eyes.

The only thing she would be entitled to is 15% of his income. He doesn't have to pay anything more.