Im so sad

January20

Blackpool Saver, I love your signature. I wish I had thought about it first lol! (except I have a dd not a son)

Spendless

Morgan_Ree wrote: »

What kind of world do we live in when some people think staying at home bringing up a baby IS pulling their weight!

It's not exactly work is it.

It's not when they can get up switch tv on, wash and dress themselves, go to and from school unaccompanied, are tall enough to reach the tap to get a drink and can nip to the corner shop for you and are also able to make a sandwich and use the microwave and toaster but it's taken me 10 years to get to this stage...should I have been aiming for 16 months??? bU gger!

diamondgirl007

Hi everyone, thank you all for your comments!

My post was written when i needed to vent. A lot has came about since then, things are still a little frosty. I cant remeber exactly what was written but i will try to elaborate.

My husband has been doing a degree in Electrical/Electronic Engineering for the last 6 years part time, as well as having a full time job (4 day working one day at college, paid for by his various employers). Our son was born in March 2009 (he was very planned), in the last year of his course (we didn't plan as well as we could have!) , therefore he hasn't spent much time with either of us up till now. We are in the North East.

In reponse to those who hoped he hadn't 'text' me, yes that is indeed how I received information on all of his problems with me. He has never been one who has been able to talk openly. It's always by text.

I managed to get him to do a little talking lastnight. It seems that we need more money, which I am aware of and have been looking at jobs, but the main worry for me was that he wanted me to get a new job earning more, and go to college. It seems this is not the case. More money is needed, and a job earning more will be sufficient. As a lot of posters have said, I have looked into the implications of this with regards to childcare, and we will be no better off, infact depending on the wage, worse off.

With regard to if i didn't get a better job what would happen, well in his words we would have to split. He cannot live like this.

I have desire to possibly train as a nurse or on reading up on careers today, the Ambulance service. I have always considered nursing, but I have never pushed myself to do it. I am looking into these, as for the nursing, it looks like a course may not be available until March 2012.

he is a hard worker, he has worked very hard for us. Everything he's done has been with us in mind, I think what made me so upset was that he was effectively making me feel as though our son was now second in our lives to money. I still do wonder, as earlier I told him that I had been looking into the implications of full time college but that we would be no better off financially and he replied 'we'll manage'. How come we can 'manage' for me to do 3 years of college, but we cannot 'manage' for me to look after our son?? Also, we are so badly off that I have to work more/earn more, but we can still afford sky TV, a football season ticket???

However, reality has hit, and I have realised that if going back to full time working is what I have to do, then so be it. I cannot see for the life of me how we will be any better off with the extra childcare (DS was looked after by MIL but she could not manage, we have no one else so Nursery is needed), but he will learn lots and as previous posters have said, he has had my input for the 16 months he needed me.

It was a very hurtful realisation also, that DH doesn't seem to count my wage at all. He gave the impression that he has been working providing everything and I have basically done nothing. Not true. I have worked all my adult life, up until a week before DS was born and I returned at DS being 6 months in the knowledge that we needed the money. It's not like I have done nothing, I was trying to do the best for us and our son, part time allowed this.

I have spoken to various friends and my mum, who all think if I back down to him he will always make me 'do what he wants'. It's the ultimatum of we need more money you need to get it or we split that gets me. It wouldn't have been so bad if he could have sat down and said, we are in a bit of a financial mess, I need your help with earning more. I cannot see the financial mess, yes we don't have much spare cash, does anyone, and I could understand it if I didn't provide anything. However, hopefully with more talking and a little more work on my part and also college courses, starting with math, we will get to a point where we will be happy.

Thank you all for your imput

mikey72

Did you used to go out as a couple before the baby?
Watch tv together?
Talk?

Do you do it anymore, or are you always feeding, changing nappies, tired from the feeds, and generally just too busy at home now?

GEEGEE8

So, your options are;

1) Go college full time
2) Go work full time

Does he have a jealousy problem with you and your son?!

whitewing

I think someone before said, how about doing a statement of affairs (SOA) even if you are not in debt, and posting it on the debt free wannabe board (they are supreme experts at paring budgets). If for example you are overspending on groceries you may be able to cut down those spends significantly for the treats.

I would never get rid of internet for the direct savings and motivation.

Be wary of discussing too much with family. With the best will in the world they aren't always unbiased and it may come back to haunt you.

diamondgirl007

No going out has never been a big thing for us. We didn;t do it much before Ds, sometime due to Dh needing the time to do his homework. We used to watch tv and talk, but as I said before he was never one to TALK if you get me, at least not major talks anyway.

diamondgirl007

I have those options yes, I also have the option of part time better paid, and forgive me if this sounds awful, but we will be no better off with full time or part time better wage (depending on the wage of couse).

I looked into returning on my full time wage (12.5K) and the nursery fees would be £166 per week. Tax credits said they would estimate a helping of £136.00 per week. this I think may be do-able, but it's certainly got no extra money in it for us, which makes me wonder about it. I also tried a wage of £16,000, again just a job I thought I may have a chance with and not better off at all, at least in the short term, which is what I think DH is aiming for

whitewing

If, for example, he has Asperger's, he may find it easier to text than talk. He also may be more prone to anxiety and/or depression. (I suspect my DS has Asperger's, which is why it has sprung to mind). I think it is Aspie's that are prone to black/white thinking rather than shades of grey (ie job or split up). Have a google.

Bubby

You need to both sit down and have a heart to heart. It is very childish of him to tell you that if you don't do what he wants you will have to split up, in fact it is blackmail:mad: