Im so sad

diamondgirl007

I just need to vent really, but I didn't think the vent thread was the right place.

Last Tuesday I got a message from my DH saying he wasn't happy because we have no money. We have a mortgage, he's just gotten a first class degree, and is on 20k a year at mo. I work part time 3 days a week bringing in £500 per month approx. and the other two days I look after our son who is 16 months.

Cutting a long story short, and looking into possible options for me in jobs, I am now required to return to work full time, or part time on a VERY good wage. What I was earning full time at my current job (12.5k) would be ideal, but I'm not stupid and I can't see that happening.

I just can't get my head around having to leave our son. I hate myself for it. I feel like Ive had a baby to hand him over. I feel VERY bad.

I understand we don't have much of a life, who does in this day and age, but DH keeps saying that we can't afford anything, that everything is going to go up what with the tax rise. What annoys me is that he wants to keep sky TV and the internet etc, which in my eyes are luxuries, because they're the only 'treats' we have, meanwhile in my eyes my son is put second. He will only be little once.

He also says (DH) that I will need to continuosly review my wage and move jobs as required, or re-train. I have thought long and hard about re-training and I am willing to do courses, but I think my preferred would be more admin.

I am now going to speak to my current boss and explain, and then get looking. I hope I will find something part time with a better wage. Can only but hope.

My family and friends think I am mad for backing down to him. They think he will forever make demands on me, but at the same time I know we need the extra cash.

Sorry people, I needed to get it off my chest, I feel slightly better!

*max*

So...does he realise that if you go back to work full time, you will have to pay for childcare?? Did he not think about the implications of having a child?
IMO, what you are earning combined should be enough to live on, admittedly not in luxury, but a lot of people live on less than that!

He sounds very immature in my opinion! You are "REQUIRED" to work full time, or WHAT?? What will he do if you don't? He sounds a bit of an !!!!, pardon my French.

belfastgirl23

I think what you need to do is sit down and go properly through your budget to see whether realistically you need to earn more money. Would cutting down on sky and getting rid of the internet mean you could meet all your outgoings without going into debt?

I'm just asking because of how often we have threads here where people (often husbands it has to be said) are at their wits end trying to make the budget balance while their wives stay at home with the kids. Not saying this is the case for you but just asking you to make sure you're being honest with yourself.

Edited to say that in your post you are putting all of the responsibility onto your husband for the need to go back to work. Is this really totally fair? If you feel strongly about it then you need to see that you too have a choice, doing what your husband says is also a choice!

McKneff

Stand your ground, do the maths.

He sounds a bit of a bully to me.

Marriage should be a compromise, not one telling the other what is 'required'
Put your baby first, he seems to be putting possessions first, you and baby second.

Tell him you will stay part time till the little one goes to school, thts compromise.

If he doenst like it, well thats tough titties.

summerday

Poor you. It must be hard feeling this way about your son. I agree with the other poster that paying for childcare will diminish what you earn (though maybe tax credits will help a bit?) Are there options for working at home that would let you be with your son, eg childminding?

Although your DH sounds like he's being very harsh, there's 2 sides to every story, maybe your DH is feeling the pressure of being the main breadwinner and worried that increasing costs will cause financial problems for your family, and this is his stressed-out knee-jerk reaction to it? Ideally you should both sit down calmly about your priorities, look at your budget, see what can be cut out painlesly then try to agree other priorities. He needs to be clear how you feel and why, and you can hopefully find soultions that you're both happy with.

richardvc

Is there something you can do from home ? It's a compromise........

*max*

I agree there are always two sides to a story, and we can only go on what OP has written.
According to what she has told us, I feel that her OH was a student up until recently, who when he got his degree thought that he would now reap up the benefits and start living comfortably. I think he's just miffed that the money he's finally earning isn't going into his own pocket but is used to support his family instead.

jayII

I'd say, sit down together, and:

Work out how much you would earn if you worked full time. Then subtract tax and NI, extra extra childcare costs, and any work related expenses. This will tell you how much better off you will be each month.

Then, I'd also make a list of all the household chores, cooking, and looking after your son. These chores should (probably) be shared out equally, if you both work full time.

Right now, you are more happy with the situation, and he is less happy. He wants to move to a situation where he is more happy and you are less so. Neither is 'fair', so you need to sit down together, look at all the implications, and make a joint decision.

BlueAngelCV

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think what you need to do is sit down and go properly through your budget to see whether realistically you need to earn more money. Would cutting down on sky and getting rid of the internet mean you could meet all your outgoings without going into debt?

And also take into account childcare & the difference to things like benefits.

Can you explain what you mean by "got a message"? I'm really hoping that he didn't send you a text?!

richardvc

jayII wrote: »

I'd say, sit down together, and:

Work out how much you would earn if you worked full time. Then subtract tax and NI, extra extra childcare costs, and any work related expenses. This will tell you how much better off you will be each month.

Then, I'd also make a list of all the household chores, cooking, and looking after your son. These chores should (probably) be shared out equally, if you both work full time.

Right now, you are more happy with the situation, and he is less happy. He wants to move to a situation where he is more happy and you are less so. Neither is 'fair', so you need to sit down together, look at all the implications, and make a joint decision.

Really good sensible advice - well done jayII !

Person_one

Does your husband always tell you what to do or is this a new side to him?

Whose idea was it to have a baby?