Im so sad

Spendless

I'd write a SOA as suggested but I'd also do one with a f-time job income for you plus childcare deductions and another with you not working but at college and childcare deductions and put all 3 in front of him.

Who has your child for you at the minute whilst you work- you must have some sort of childcare that makes it worthwhile you working? If it's free help from family members? If it is, is your hubby hoping this will be extended to f-time childcare help (and would it?).

GEEGEE8

But, forgive me for being dim here, but won't you be even worse off if you go college full time? like he is suggesting?

Caroline73_2

If you want to go into nursing or the ambulance service, why not see if you can get a job as a care assistant in a nursing home or hospital. you could find shifts that fit around your husband (like nights or weekends) and minimise the need for child care.

mikey72

I reckon he's suffering from pnd.
He's gone from being part of a couple, who enjoyed each others company, watched tv together, while having a few meals in.
No doubt you looked after him while he did his coursework, and chatted to him, brought him a drink occasionally.
Now he's left to watch tv alone, which you've suggested getting rid of, works all day and then does his coursework alone, while you look after the baby, which he cannot manage to find a lot of time for.
He doesn't particuarly want you to go to work, he just wants his old wife back.
Easiest way to get that is to put you into a similar position to him, so you are both equal again, and doing similar amounts of work, housework, and childcare.
You need to find time for him again, and involve him in the baby, and find more time to go back to being a wife as well as a mum.
(Not your fault, but it's not his either)
Or indeed, as he has said, he can't carry on as he is.

January20

DiamondGirl007, reading your post (54) it seems that you are not really sure about the finances. I mean you say things like "it seems we need more money" but for what? It seems you can afford Sky tv and a season ticket. What does he want more money for? I live in the North-East and unles you have bought a house in one of the poshest areas of Newcastle or have lots of debt, surely you should be able to live on the money you both bring in?

I'm really confused by what you OH wants? For you to go back to college full time? to work full time?
Is he just jealous of your life? Does he think you just twiddle your thumbs or play with the baby when you are not at work?
Or does he have a habit of wanting to control you and what you do? Is that what your friends and family are hinting at?
What is his relationship with your son? Does he ever take care of him on his own for a full day?

whitewing

Great point mikey - if he isn't getting the chance to spend much time with baby then he isn't maybe seeing your role as more than feed, look after etc.

*Louise*

I really don't think this is 'just' about the money....


He wants you to go to work f/t or college f/t.....even thought the second option not only doesn't bring in any more money, it means you would lose the £500 you are currently earning - but he is ok with that? Really?

It just doesn't add up.

He does sound very controlling, and by texting you the info it means you aren't getting a change to put your side over straight away. As for the threat to split...that's emotional blackmail if I ever heard it.


If it were me I would perhaps look into an evening class, one or two nights a week, let him have some quality time with the baby....:D

Fang_3

diamondgirl007 wrote: »

Hi everyone, thank you all for your comments!

My post was written when i needed to vent. A lot has came about since then, things are still a little frosty. I cant remeber exactly what was written but i will try to elaborate.

My husband has been doing a degree in Electrical/Electronic Engineering for the last 6 years part time, as well as having a full time job (4 day working one day at college, paid for by his various employers). Our son was born in March 2009 (he was very planned), in the last year of his course (we didn't plan as well as we could have!) , therefore he hasn't spent much time with either of us up till now. We are in the North East.

In reponse to those who hoped he hadn't 'text' me, yes that is indeed how I received information on all of his problems with me. He has never been one who has been able to talk openly. It's always by text.

I managed to get him to do a little talking lastnight. It seems that we need more money, which I am aware of and have been looking at jobs, but the main worry for me was that he wanted me to get a new job earning more, and go to college. It seems this is not the case. More money is needed, and a job earning more will be sufficient. As a lot of posters have said, I have looked into the implications of this with regards to childcare, and we will be no better off, infact depending on the wage, worse off.

With regard to if i didn't get a better job what would happen, well in his words we would have to split. He cannot live like this.

I have desire to possibly train as a nurse or on reading up on careers today, the Ambulance service. I have always considered nursing, but I have never pushed myself to do it. I am looking into these, as for the nursing, it looks like a course may not be available until March 2012.

he is a hard worker, he has worked very hard for us. Everything he's done has been with us in mind, I think what made me so upset was that he was effectively making me feel as though our son was now second in our lives to money. I still do wonder, as earlier I told him that I had been looking into the implications of full time college but that we would be no better off financially and he replied 'we'll manage'. How come we can 'manage' for me to do 3 years of college, but we cannot 'manage' for me to look after our son?? Also, we are so badly off that I have to work more/earn more, but we can still afford sky TV, a football season ticket???

However, reality has hit, and I have realised that if going back to full time working is what I have to do, then so be it. I cannot see for the life of me how we will be any better off with the extra childcare (DS was looked after by MIL but she could not manage, we have no one else so Nursery is needed), but he will learn lots and as previous posters have said, he has had my input for the 16 months he needed me.

It was a very hurtful realisation also, that DH doesn't seem to count my wage at all. He gave the impression that he has been working providing everything and I have basically done nothing. Not true. I have worked all my adult life, up until a week before DS was born and I returned at DS being 6 months in the knowledge that we needed the money. It's not like I have done nothing, I was trying to do the best for us and our son, part time allowed this.

I have spoken to various friends and my mum, who all think if I back down to him he will always make me 'do what he wants'. It's the ultimatum of we need more money you need to get it or we split that gets me. It wouldn't have been so bad if he could have sat down and said, we are in a bit of a financial mess, I need your help with earning more. I cannot see the financial mess, yes we don't have much spare cash, does anyone, and I could understand it if I didn't provide anything. However, hopefully with more talking and a little more work on my part and also college courses, starting with math, we will get to a point where we will be happy.

Thank you all for your imput

There's a difference between managing to further an individual for the good of the family, and managing because that individual doesn't want to do that.

Fang_3

*Louise* wrote: »

I really don't think this is 'just' about the money....


He wants you to go to work f/t or college f/t.....even thought the second option not only doesn't bring in any more money, it means you would lose the £500 you are currently earning - but he is ok with that? Really?

It just doesn't add up.

He does sound very controlling, and by texting you the info it means you aren't getting a change to put your side over straight away. As for the threat to split...that's emotional blackmail if I ever heard it.


If it were me I would perhaps look into an evening class, one or two nights a week, let him have some quality time with the baby....:D

Unless of course he means nursing, which the OP mentioned. There are grants and bursaries available that would bring hoe more than £500 a month during the course, and a lot more after it.

I don't think it was a 'threat' to split, more an expression of how he's feeling. I'd be annoyed if my partner wanted to continue on a low wage after I'd worked incredibly long, and hard hours over six years to better myself for my family. I'd be furious. Some people have the desire to better themselves, and some people are happy to let others do it but then benefits from their hard work.

Morgan_Ree

OP do you think it's something to do with him having a good job (or atleast a job thats going places) so he wants the same for you,
therefore encouraging the college thing?
Has he always been quite money orientated?

If you do your nursing you certainly won't get more than £500 a month. by 2012 it'll be degree only, so the extra money you get now from doing the diplma will no longer be there.
Then there's the childcare fees. With his income you'll get little or no help from the bursary people. To cover these costs with WTC you'd have to work more than 16 hours a week ontop of uni which is pretty much impossible when you're on placement.