how to stop loving someone and let them go

denton6

thanks for the positive replies i have recieved. hard to think that so many people go through the same emotions. when i feel under stress and pressure you start to think it's only you going through it. wish life could just be alot happier place for lots of us right now. hugs x

Dazi

First of all a big (((hug)) for you.

I know it seems impossible when people say you will get through this, but honestly you will. My ex left me after 17 years of marriage, there wasn't anyone else, he just didn't want to be with me anymore.

I have never to this day worked out if it is better if they leave you for someone else or to think that being on their own is better than being with me IYSWIM.

I was a wreck to start with, I just wanted him back, then after a couple of months I started wondering if I just wanted him back to return to the safe life I had known all those years. He made it quite clear to me that he would never come back and was looking forward to starting a new life and that he hoped to eventually meet someone else and get married again!

I think that was the turning point for me, I knew I had to carry on and make the rest of my life worth living. I had to carry on for my children if nothing else, and just hoped that somewhere along the line I would be happy again.

I won't say it was easy, a lot of mistakes and heartache along the way but 10 years later, I have a wonderful new man, have moved away but still in constant touch with my children (1 is married, 1 getting married next year) I meet up with the ex and his family occasionally..weddings, christenings etc and can hand on heart say I think I have had the best deal out of us splitting up (lets just say his life plan didn't go so well)

The memories will still stay, but in time you will be happy to just view them as memories. I can now look back and treasure the memories I had without being upset...like when my children were born, nothing can take away the memory of how happy we were at the time.

You can get through this, you will cry, you will feel like life is over.....BUT IT ISN'T, your new life is now begining, it will be a different life to the one you imagined (I was already planning our 25 aniv!) but you can get through this, cry on friend's shoulders, pull your family round you and if all else fails come on here, talk to us, either on the forum or PM.

So again a big hug for you, remember tomorrow is not just another day, its another day further on, a day turns into a week, a week into a month...what do you want to be doing in a months time??

xxx

needabitofadvice

I really am starting to think there should be a club for us called, " I've been married 15 years plus, and my husband has decided to become a plonker!" You may have seen my thread. My husband is having 'another' affair after we made a go of it 5 years ago. I was like you then. I still loved him so much, cried over all the things that weren't going to happen, and we've struggled on for the last five years. I did it for my children's sake, but also because I still loved and wanted him. This time, I think I'm ready to let him go. It's still going to be horrible, and hard. I always used to think that he could 'make' himself still love me, but do you know what? I don't think they can, and I think 5 years of baattling against that has meant that I now feel the same way too. You will be heartbroken , but in the end I don't know if I did the right thing 5 years ago, maybe I could have been free form all the pain I'm going through now if I had let him go then.... Wishing you all the best, love and hugs x

out_of_cash

hind sight is a wonderful thing,my life is full of it i know its a cliche but it will only be a long period of time that will pull you through this i can feel for you as i have recently split with my ex after 16yrs always thinking did we do the right thing should we have tried harder.I think i would have if she had been prepared to but there you go.i hope things work out ok for you and you can stay strong and keep yourself together i know it can be tough at times and always seems real bad if your having a bad day or a dreamy moment.

as for that thing called love, its either there, or its not, when it stops being mutal for whatever reason thats when the hurting starts.

look after yourself

out of cash.

jimbms

It seems to me you have both realised it is over but both have feeling for each other and that is causing pain, just because you split up does not mean you have to hate each other, in fact I have seen quite often it is the opposite, we have some friend who whilst married ended up hating each other, once they divorced and moved on they have become best friends, if this is the case with you two then think about how much better it will be for you kids if they realise although their parents have split they are both friends and they don't have to chose or see any one of them in secret. No matter what people say it is not compulsary to fight and hate each other in a split.

Pee

Just wanted to say that I don't know how to put into words what you do, because what you do is take everything one step at a time and it feels awful and it is awful, but gradually you let some light into your life whether that is friends or family or your children, you find yourself laughing without realising you were laughing and you find yourself letting go of the past until one day, you realise that you are happy and you wouldn't go back to that old place for all the world.

And it takes less time than you thought it would in some ways and more time than you thought it would in others. But it does get better.

The ideas about making an effort with your dress and appearance are good ones. It's all very trivial and superficial, but it makes you feel a little bit better and when you feel a little bit better, you smile a little more and when you smile a little more, you look a lot better and other people notice and respond to it and then you feel much happier... a lovely virtuous circle.

It is really hard to begin with though. So just take it a day at a time.

babybluetoo

I think jimbms has it spot on. My partner and I still have feelings for each other but have decided to split up. I still love him and he says he still cares for me but has cheated for 6 months and denied it for the same 6 months. He said he would stay and has finished the affair but I am unable to forgive the 6 months of absolute torment that he put me through, not knowing what was going on and then having my suspicions proved correct. I tried to forgive and forget but I couldn't do it even though I still have feelings for him.

So it was my decision to let him go however painful that may be for me or him or our parents and grown up children who are all going to be devastated by this. For my own peace of mind it cannot go on and acceptance is finally dawning on me and although he is still here I sometimes find myself looking forward to my new life whatever that may bring.

Its the trust that has gone and I would rather be alone than spend my life looking over my shoulder wondering what he was up to. Its almost (but not quite) a relief to have made my decision.

Best wishes to you, its hard but life will be good again.

Baby

denton6

as for that thing called love, its either there, or its not, when it stops being mutal for whatever reason thats when the hurting starts.



out of cash.[/QUOTE]
this is so true, i wish with all my heart he still loved me but i alos realise he doesnt feel the same for me anymore:(

denton6

something positive today, have just waved goodbye to one of our older boys going off in a limo to his school prom. least we have four great boys. proud of them all

clairibel

Hiya,

Just read your thread and it got to me as it sounds like my mum when i was 15 and my sis 14 splitting finally from our dad after an affair.

It will take quite a while to heal properly and mistakes will be made along the way, thats what us humans are all about My mum made loads but i don't hold it against her now i'm older and wiser and see she was doing the best she could at the time.

Heartache is hard and betrayal even harder but you will get through it and it will teach you stuff to be better equiped for the next period of your life. Cry and cry some more till your cryed out. Try and get some fresh air to clear the cobwebs and just absorb yourself in worthwhile things like your children...like you are doing now seeing positives, you are on the right path x

Keep well and the rest will follow x