Too young to have my baby?

angel223_2

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Badger_Lady

Cait, you've had a lot of opinions already - some very strong and some rather generic. So I hope I don't confuse things! I'm not going to advise you what to do, I'm just going to tell you about my younger cousin who I love very much.

Cousin fell pregnant at 16, after falling for a guy who said he was infertile - she had niavely believed him. She went through the same struggles you're having now but eventually decided to keep the baby with her parents' help. She would stay living in the big house with them, and her boyfriend would move in too.

By the time she gave birth at 17, the father had disappeared and, we later found out, spawned another child by another girl... in fact there was only six months between the two babies. Of course, Cousin still had her parents who were absolute doting grandparents, willing to do anything for the beautiful baby boy who became Cousin's world from his first breath.

Her self-confidence was a complete mess after the birth. Her body was very out of shape, she found breast-feeding painful and she felt judged everywhere she went with the baby. Because of this, she didn't join mother-baby groups or take the little one to socialise. She became really withdrawn - her entire life was within the four walls, where she found herself arguing with her parents or just being generally battered by the constant sleeplessness and lack of social interaction.

As time went on, Cousin started to get her confidence back - she got a part-time job in a local bar and started to meet people her own age again. She had a fair bit of male attention and, although most were put off by the child, one or two stuck around. Of course, she wanted to spend more time with them, go out, be a normal teenager. She would go to her boyfriend's house, see how carefree his life was and want a piece of that. So she started to resent her baby and be less patient with him, particularly as he got into his Terriible Twos and became more demanding. Her parents would chastise her for not being a full-time mum and she got into some quite violent arguments with them. She claimed that life at home was unbearable... but she really had no choice, because without the parental support she would have no time to herself at all. Really, they were taking more care of the baby than she was.

Eventually, she met the love of her life, a genuine sweetheart, and once he finishes university they plan to set up a cosy little nest together. Baby is walking and talking and is incredibly cute and loving... and as long as Cousin takes care of him during the week she has babysitters on hand (pre-booked!) for the weekends.

But she'd tell you herself that, if she'd known everything she was letting herself in for, she wouldn't have had the baby. She loves him to bits but she would have had him later on, after settling down with the new fella. She lost her friends, her social life, her confidence (for a while), lost her previously good relationship with the family, and she completely wrecked her chances of a career in dancing. Even now, her body hasn't sprung back and she struggles with diet and exercise, choosing quite frumpy clothes to cover her tummy. She's aged a lot more than other girls her age and there's a sadness and regret deep inside.

I'd like to stress, this is her life! It's the way it turned out for her. Only you can identify whether anything in here relates to you, or whether your situation is different. Maybe you are already set up, and will be able to manage without having your family on hand. Maybe you really have already met the love of your life (but be very careful - Cousin thought that's what the father was at the time). It could all go swimmingly for you and you might never regret a thing.

Sadly, there's no way any of us could ever know.


ETA: oops! Sorry - didn't realise you'd already decided, please ignore me!

ellas9602

Badger_lady

You make some very good points. it's easy for me to forget just how hard it was in they early years. Babies and toddlers are very hard work and you have to make so many sacrifices. I couldn't do the things my friends were doing. I see how my three teenagers (2 SDD's) have such freedom now and it wasn't like that for me and you can become resentful. I was single for five years and only really found love with someone else who had children. I felt belittled by medical staff (they only meant well...I know that now)and even strangers, it was all very embarrasing for me, I was too embarrased to breast feed. My body is a mess, really. I never got shape back & have never have/never will wear a bikini and will let no-one see me nude (except OH ). My stretch marks are really the worst I have ever seen, I don't know if this was because of my age but they were a shock. Although I have no regrets I can't drill into my girls enough now how important it is to be careful.

looby75

hi Cait I've only just seen your thread but I couldn't just read and not post.

I fell pregnant with my daughter when I was 17, I was in foster care at the time and didn't have the support of my family....the decision whether or not to keep her was taken totally out of my hands as I didn't find out that I was expecting until I was almost 5 months pg and by the time my dates were confirmed with scans etc I was almost 6 months pg (which came as a huge shock to me as I thought I was 3 months pg at the most lol) She was a pill baby too, so I know that it can happen.

DD is 17 now and although it's been hard at times (I married her dad and we went on to have another baby together, though we split a few years ago) I haven't regretted having her for a single second. It sounds as though you have the support of your family so my one bit of advice would be try as hard as you possibly can to stay in eduction or return to it ASAP. I didn't and now at the age of 35 I'm finding it really hard to get back into work after a few years break, I know that the main reason is lack of qualifications and experience.

Anyway good luck what ever you decide to do.

noapron

Sorry, I do not really think your bf can make the decision. Have you asked himself if say, he could cope with a disabled baby? When you take on a pregnancy, until he or she is safely delivered, you have to be sure in your heart, you would love and care for him or her even if it wasn't perfect.

If you think long and hard and decide to have a termination, if he is a decent chap, your bf will stand by you, just as he says he will if you decide to carry on with the pregnancy. Getting tearful and talking about killing a baby, as though it's a simple decision, is not being supportive. You and your bf may have very helpful, generous parents, but this child will be your responsibility, not theirs. I wish you all the luck whatever you decide.

LauraN_3

Hi again,

You should check out the Hot UK Deals website for loads of bargains. Type Cots into the search bar and it'll bring up a few cots that are at bargain prices. I would post the link up but it says as I'm a new user to MSEF I can't post it

Hope that helps

jimbms

Good luck for the future cait and ignore all the misserable gits, some people are only happy if they can find the bad side to a situation and make others unhappy about it.

blue_monkey_2

jimbms wrote: »

Good luck for the future cait and ignore all the misserable gits, some people are only happy if they can find the bad side to a situation and make others unhappy about it.

LOL, there is a BAD side to having babies whatever age you are.

An then, if like me, you end up with a child who has one, or more, disabilities then life is much, much harder. There is no point lying about it.

Don't coat it in petals and say everything is going to be great as a teenage mum because it isn't going to be great. Even with the support of your parents and boyfriend it is not going to be wonderful.

And at the age of 16 when you've not even been able to have a night out clubbing and dancing, going to the theatre, being able to come and go as you please, going on holiday with your mates and making an ar se of yourself. Life in general. All of these things a teenage mum will miss out on and there is no point in sugar coating it. Best she realises now for those of us who have some perspective on the situtation. And even if her parents did look after the baby while she did these things, the money she got would need to be spent on the baby anyway. Babies are expensive, bargains or not, once you get to school there are uniforms, school trips, days out, Xmas, birthdays, friends birthdays they get invited to, the list really is endless.

And that is even before starting on whether or not she goes back to school to get qualifications that enable her to go to college - Uni is now out of the question. I left school early and did not finish my education and I've drifted through life in crappy dead end jobs working for a pittance. I, for one, will be making sure that my children do not have the same life I did.

Call us miserable gits if you like - I call it giving her a dose of realism myself.

jimbms

blue_monkey wrote: »

And that is even before starting on whether or not she goes back to school to get qualifications that enable her to go to college - Uni is now out of the question. I left school early and did not finish my education and I've drifted through life in crappy dead end jobs working for a pittance. I, for one, will be making sure that my children do not have the same life I did.

Strange, I shall go home tonight and inform she who must be obeyed that after having our eldest child at 16 and the second 2 years later that she did not continue on to university and both her degrees and the possition she now holds are in fact not real. Get real there are many women and couples going through uni either pregnant or already have the child, when we had ours I was in my final year and about to start an extra 18 month of study and she had just finishe her first year at college, we both continued with me doing a couple of part time jobs and her one from home and with both finished our studies without any help from families. If a person does not finish education then it is by choice.

Person_one

jimbms wrote: »

Strange, I shall go home tonight and inform she who must be obeyed that after having our eldest child at 16 and the second 2 years later that she did not continue on to university and both her degrees and the possition she now holds are in fact not real. Get real there are many women and couples going through uni either pregnant or already have the child, when we had ours I was in my final year and about to start an extra 18 month of study and she had just finishe her first year at college, we both continued with me doing a couple of part time jobs and her one from home and with both finished our studies without any help from families. If a person does not finish education then it is by choice.

Its a lot harder when you're single.

You do a full time uni course, you have to pay for childcare while you're at uni, so you have to work to pay for the childcare, so you have to pay for childcare while you're at work...vicious circle, plus you never actually see your child.

I'm glad it worked out well for you and your wife but it isn't so easy for everybody and please don't assume that everyone who didn't go to uni chose not to.