Solving Family Rows

mountainofdebt

It sounds as if the only person who can get through to your MIL is your ex .......if he's happy with the arrangements then it is up to him to tell his mother to butt out and to apologise to you.

Sarah_Joanne

Coolcait has some great points. Not really sure I can add anything to all the points already made here but read a previous thread and you are totally in the right to not want ex as your birthing partner. The fact that you and he have already agreed this makes it seem even less appropriate for MIL to be pushing her views on it. Her bringing up your past is completely unfair and uncalled for. She absolutely should apologise but it does seem as though you may need to make the first steps if she is to do this.

If she can't do this then she seems to hold this view of you and maybe she is better off out of your life. It is certainly a tricky situation.

Sorry you feel alone in all this. Over on the Parents' Thread here on MSE we are always around if you would like to chat / vent etc.

All the very best with this and with the birth

Person_one

Coolcait, my issue with your response is that it completely lets the MIL get away with her behaviour. She can see her grandchildren, OP will even apologise (what for exactly?) I think that just opens the door for her to behave badly in the future as she'll know she can get away with it. If the OP gives her MIL the impression that the relationship is so important to her that she's willing to be trampled all over and abused and still come grovelling back, well I think that might set her up for a lot of trampling and abuse over every disagreement.

Sometimes you have to draw a line. If your MIL isn't willing to meet you at it that's a shame, but your children will survive. They have two parents who care about them and that's the most important thing.

Brighton_belle

Person one: I totally agree with all your post on this matter.

I also note that the F-in -Law is culpable by not stepping in and telling his wife as he has gone too far.
It is not acceptable for anyone to call the OP a B!t*h. Disgraceful, uncalled for. She has also been extremely cruel about circumstaces in the OP's past over which she had no control.
How anyone can translate that as 'this person really cares for you ...'
And as for children 'needing their grandparents in their lives' - well it is lovely if they are consistant but they haven't been towards the girls have they - haven't seen them for several weeks and are causing them distress. They were unessecarily agressive in their atempts to pick them up after riding and are treating their mother with contempt. How does the OP know what the inlaws will say to the girls in future about mummy?

I suspect GG that you may need to wait til after the birth (which I don't think is far away?) before this can in anyway be put 'behind' you all.
I continue to respect you desire to have a relationship with your inlaws and feel incredibly sad for you that all this has happened and you have lost something that was very precious to you.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs for this.

I would agree with those who have said do nothing. Only what you need to do to protect the children from being "kidnapped" (legally that is what it would be), by the grandparents and then there being a nasty scene involving the children.

You don't need to explain anything to them, let alone your decisions about birth partners. You do not need to justify what you do, and I wonder if she is capitalising on your ineveitable vulnerability at the moment?

Good luck.

thorsoak

I'm of the party that says write - saying that she must realise how she hurt you with her remarks - and possibly you hurt her with any reply. What is said cannot be unsaid but now you both need to put it behind you and move on - she is still your children's granny and the children will still need her, as will the baby in the future - and - for the sake of the children - you are prepared to put everything that has been said in the past and move forward - and that you hope she can do the same.

Person_one

thorsoak wrote: »

I'm of the party that says write - saying that she must realise how she hurt you with her remarks - and possibly you hurt her with any reply. What is said cannot be unsaid but now you both need to put it behind you and move on - she is still your children's granny and the children will still need her, as will the baby in the future - and - for the sake of the children - you are prepared to put everything that has been said in the past and move forward - and that you hope she can do the same.

I'm sorry, but children don't 'need' grandparents, good grandparents are a wonderful bonus, bad ones can do an awful lot of damage!

Person_one

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Person one: I totally agree with all your post on this matter.

I also note that the F-in -Law is culpable by not stepping in and telling his wife as he has gone too far.
It is not acceptable for anyone to call the OP a B!t*h. Disgraceful, uncalled for. She has also been extremely cruel about circumstaces in the OP's past over which she had no control.
How anyone can translate that as 'this person really cares for you ...'
And as for children 'needing their grandparents in their lives' - well it is lovely if they are consistant but they haven't been towards the girls have they - haven't seen them for several weeks and are causing them distress. They were unessecarily agressive in their atempts to pick them up after riding and are treating their mother with contempt. How does the OP know what the inlaws will say to the girls in future about mummy?

I suspect GG that you may need to wait til after the birth (which I don't think is far away?) before this can in anyway be put 'behind' you all.
I continue to respect you desire to have a relationship with your inlaws and feel incredibly sad for you that all this has happened and you have lost something that was very precious to you.

I agree with this, especially the bolded. OP, I know its incredibly hard but if I were you I'd just focus on getting your baby safely into the world the way you and ex have agreed on, and worry about all of this at a later date.

Zazen999

GobbledyGook wrote: »

We tried to sort this all out, but she got very angry and in the end said something very horrible about me and my family circumstances that I cannot forgive until she apologises.

Gemma; she said this to hurt you and hurt you bad - as she knows exactly which buttons to press.

I think you should just keep calm, carry on and give your baby and daughters the calmest few weeks before the birth; and just let her stew.

It is none of her business who you have in with your birth - even without bearing in mind your ex's behaviour.

I am afraid if a MIL had said that to me I would have told her to 'go away off' [in much stronger language]....and can I just point out that if ex is your ex then actually, they are your ex-PILs....so perhaps you might want to take the bull by the horns and tell them in no uncertain terms that unless they !!!!!! and let you live your life, they may well never see you or the kids again.

Sarah_Joanne

I did think of another thing since last posting, and that is to bear in mind that although your ex isn't on good terms now, they may well make up at some later date at which time he may take the kids to see his parents. Not sure exactly how that fits in with things but thought it worth a mention.