Solving Family Rows

Minxy_Bella

I remember your previous thread too and I was hoping that it all had been resolved for you now, but it appears to have escalated into a much nastier dispute.

I'm afraid that, in your shoes, I would tell them all to take a running jump. Seriously. How dare they be so arrogant with you and your children!

They'd never see my children's faces again unless they sincerely apologised - in bucketloads! End of.

GobbledyGook

Thanks all.

I bumped into my FIL today and he says that my MIL is resolute that I'm being selfish. He was quite embarrassed and has said that if I need anything I can ring him anytime. They haven't actually spoken for 4 days over the last incident.

I've told him that under no circumstances have my children to be collected from school, nursery or riding etc without my express permission and that MIL will not have that permission until she apologises. I won't have people around my children who hold that opinion as me as I won't ever allow my children to be in a situation where they hear me being slated and end up with massively torn emotions. My brother and I suffered that as children and it has a life long effect on you.

FIL said it was about time I stood up to her, but tbh through the years I've never realised that I wasn't. She's always seemed very supportive, but I guess her support meant she also got her way when she asked for things.

I've spoken to Ex tonight and we've set a few ground rules between ourselves over things and we've decided to leave the girls thinking they are on holiday for now. I've been having niggles and BH's for the past few days so I think their baby brother will be here sooner rather than later so it's not the time for dealing with it.

Thanks for all the advice.
Gemma x

mikey72

Go grandad.

Loopy_Girl

Gemma

I'm sorry you're going through (yet more!!:eek:) crap...but good news that you and ex seem to be amicable(ish) and if he is happy wih birthing arrangements then MIL will need to be as well.

I know this will be hurting as you are/were quite close to her and I know you saw her as a substitute family but family don't come out with comments like that - and how revealing of your FIL to say what he said!!!

Now PLEASE try and relax...sounds like the stork is on the way :male: so you need to be getting ready for that. Don't let her spoil this magical time for you and in all fairness she will regret this period more than you as she is going to potentially miss out on seeing baby in those first hours.

So it's an order to get your feet up as much as poss, try and forget all this crap and remind yourself that you can't control people's actions but you can sleep at night knowing you have been true to yourself, and finally..............


LET US KNOW WHEN BABY GG MAKES AN APPEARANCE

LG xx

elona

OP

There is only one "selfish b****" around making everyone miserable and upset- and it ain't you !!!!

Think of yourself and your children and protect all of you from a "fair weather" woman (never a real friend).

If you give way now you let her trample all over all of you for years and none of you deserve that.

GobbledyGook

LG - it's typical isn't it. Her stupid son and I get ourselves sorted into an amicable relationship, get the things that were causing the rows sorted and she kicks of. Stupid thing is L is delighted that he's going to be allowed in just after the birth! He thought he'd be allowed nowhere near so it's nonsense that's she's doing this. He's fuming because he said her reaction could have made me easily say "well I don't want any of you there". Madness.

Ach well my boy will be here soon. He finally has a name and my girls are very excited so I'm going to concentrate on that for now.

Thanks all
Gemma x

*Louise*

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I've told him that under no circumstances have my children to be collected from school, nursery or riding etc without my express permission and that MIL will not have that permission until she apologises. I won't have people around my children who hold that opinion as me as I won't ever allow my children to be in a situation where they hear me being slated and end up with massively torn emotions. My brother and I suffered that as children and it has a life long effect on you.

Well done!!:j:T:T:T

You don't know how pleased I am to read that paragraph - you are sticking up for yourself...why the hell SHOULD she pick the kids up, I was angry on the previous page when you said what she had written. She has no right to pick the kids up if she has that attitude towards their mother.

You know your trouble...you are too nice! Unfortunately that means people will try and walk over you. It says a lot that you have got on with your MIL for ages, then this happens and she does an about-face on you. .

I wouldn't even think about her again until after the baby is born. You may find she changes her tune when she realises she is missing out on the new baby. The girls should be too caught up in the excitement of a new brother to ask too many questions

Brighton_belle

GG, I am so glad you bumped into your F-in law. Really pleased he said what he did and that in his own way he has stood up to his wife. And his comments were very revealing.
And I am very veyr glad you were able to say what you said to him: you need confidence that as the children's (fantastic) mother you will be not be belittled in front of them.

Put your feet up. Your beautiful son will be here soon.

It's good to here you and ex are communicating well and able to discuss boundaries. As you say, ironic that he is very happy with arrangements.

coolcait

Person_one wrote: »

Coolcait, my issue with your response is that it completely lets the MIL get away with her behaviour. She can see her grandchildren, OP will even apologise (what for exactly?) I think that just opens the door for her to behave badly in the future as she'll know she can get away with it. If the OP gives her MIL the impression that the relationship is so important to her that she's willing to be trampled all over and abused and still come grovelling back, well I think that might set her up for a lot of trampling and abuse over every disagreement.

Sometimes you have to draw a line. If your MIL isn't willing to meet you at it that's a shame, but your children will survive. They have two parents who care about them and that's the most important thing.

And, as I said in my post to the OP:

"I do think that you deserve an apology for the things said to you. I do think that it's wrong that you are the one who is making all the running in trying to sort things out."

And I don't disagree with the idea that a conciliatory approach holds the risk that it 'lets the MIL get away with her behaviour'.

All that said, we can only control our own behaviour. So my posts suggests ways in which the OP can do that. It also gives hints to the MIL to apologise right back - if that's what she wants to do. But she can't be controlled into apologising.

I fully accept that the MIL may not chose to apologise. However, anyone who takes the conciliatory approach can rebut accusations that they tried to force someone else to do something (which is harder to do if your approach was 'apologise or else you're not seeing your grandchildren' - for example).

I suggested that the OP apologise "if you have inadvertently hurt or upset" the MIL. If I'm being cynical (as I usually am) then I'd describe that as a classic 'non-apology'. It's recognising that the other person is hurt or upset. It also states that it was not done intentionally by the OP. And it makes absolutely no comment on the 'cause' of any inadvertent 'hurt or upset'.

There's no way I can claim that my post to the OP descibes how I would act in her situation. I know that I would be acting and reacting in the way that you and others have advised. And maybe going further. I'd be demanding apologies; withholding contact; and who knows what else.

However, since this isn't my story I can manage an emotional detachment. In that context, I read the OP's post as being from someone who wants to keep the relationship with her in-laws, but isn't quite sure how to do it.

That's why I posted as I did. It will be for the OP - not you, me or any other poster - to decide what is most important for her. Is it an apology or is it a relationship?

You see the situation as either drawing a line or being trampled on. I see an intermediate approach - the one set out in my previous post. A more conciliatory stance, which gives the MIL the chance to apologise.

If she doesn't take that chance, then by all means toughen the way you deal with her. But give the chance first. IMO.

The OP has been surprised by the way her MIL has reacted. The OP knows her, but we don't. So maybe the MIL isn't guilty of all the bad things she's been accused of... Maybe she is...

Maybe the MIL has harboured genuine, though unrealistic, dreams that her son and the OP will get back together. Maybe the realisation that this is an unrealistic dream has made her OTT in her reactions. Maybe she is a toxic influence.

The way the OP reacts to her MIL's behaviour won't change that behaviour. But it might have an effect on the way the OP sees herself.

Given that the OP has expressed an interest in conciliation, for the sake of the children, that's what I've gone for. There are plenty of other posts which provide her with other points of view on the MIL's behaviour.

And, if it had been the other way about - and other posts had supported the conciliatory approach - I would have probably posted along the lines of 'toxic relationships'! It's all about 'balance', and about giving the OP a variety of options.

So, whilst you and I, may disagree - along with the others who have posted or thanked on this thread - we're all giving the OP different points of view on her situation. And I hope that this variety of opinions helps her as she makes some very difficult decisions.

coolcait

GobbledyGook wrote: »

Thanks all.

I bumped into my FIL today and he says that my MIL is resolute that I'm being selfish. He was quite embarrassed and has said that if I need anything I can ring him anytime. They haven't actually spoken for 4 days over the last incident.

I've told him that under no circumstances have my children to be collected from school, nursery or riding etc without my express permission and that MIL will not have that permission until she apologises. I won't have people around my children who hold that opinion as me as I won't ever allow my children to be in a situation where they hear me being slated and end up with massively torn emotions. My brother and I suffered that as children and it has a life long effect on you.

FIL said it was about time I stood up to her, but tbh through the years I've never realised that I wasn't. She's always seemed very supportive, but I guess her support meant she also got her way when she asked for things.

I've spoken to Ex tonight and we've set a few ground rules between ourselves over things and we've decided to leave the girls thinking they are on holiday for now. I've been having niggles and BH's for the past few days so I think their baby brother will be here sooner rather than later so it's not the time for dealing with it.

Thanks for all the advice.
Gemma x

Can't disagree with that at all, and I will add my cheers for FIL! :T:T

I'd just suggest that you remind everyone involved about the principle of "I won't ever allow my children to be in a situation where they hear 'X' being slated and end up with massively torn emotions."

Because it could be just as damaging for them to hear their grandmother (or other) slated as it would be for them to hear their mother slated.