Solving Family Rows

mikey72

Sagaris wrote: »

What a horrible thing to say - and I'd be very wary of that comment, as another poster has said her true colours are coming out now - you will not stand in her way of having what she wants, from that comment!

I think I would keep her at arm's length now, she can see she's not going to get her way and is resorting to threats about getting what she wants, she must see that you are not the pushover she thought you were.

Stick to your guns, none of this is your doing, you have been more than accommodating to them all - if she carries on she could find herself cut off forever (well that's what I would do, but then I'm nasty!)

Good luck with the birth and I hope she comes to her senses!

Grandchildren might have a different view though.
And my kids grandparents wouldn't go down without a fight if we said they couldn't see the kids. (I don't think that would their true colours, I think I know that already)

Brighton_belle

GG - I find this situation you are in very upsetting considering I don't know you from adam. No advice to offer, but I truely cannot understand why your MIL cannot understand why it wouldn't be awful to have your ex in the room at such an emotional and vulnerable time. What is even more ridiculous is that your ex is ok and understands!! There is absolutely not one jot of selfishness in that decision in my opinion.

As for what she has subsequently said - very very sad and hurtful. The fact they are not moving heaven and arth to seee their grandaughters at the mo is them being rather selfish towards your children if that word has to be bandied around.

RadoJo

I agree with those who have suggested writing a letter to them to explain how you feel and why you are so upset and put in no uncertain terms that you are not prepared to accept them speaking to you like that. I definitely do not agree with the suggestion that you tell your children about the row - there's no need for them to be dragged into this, and you don't want to get to the stage of using them as a weapon against your PILs. Your desire to keep your PIL in your kids' life is admirable, considering what has gone on, but if you need an apology to be able to forgive them then I think you are completely justified. It's a tricky one - hopefully putting your thoughts down on paper will help you process them as well as giving you a chance to say how you feel.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

That's nice - your best friend until you want to make your own decisions and then she sticks the knife in so deep it practically comes out the other side.

Leave her. If your children are as important to her as she claims (rather than being her property), she will - must - apologise to you, or she'll be a b!tch to your face and about you, probably to your children, too.

Letters can be just annoying, easily misunderstood, or can be waved around to show 'look! She's so horrible, she even writes me nasty letters!'.

It is your decision - not hers - who you have staring at your bits as the baby's head crowns.

So put her shouting and stamping her feet out of your mind for the time being, get along with your ex as best you can, and don't feel guilty about your choice. I would never have considered having anyone but my partner at the births of my children and certainly wouldn't have sought permission from a MIL as to who I wanted present - if I had decided I didn't want the Bloke there, it would have been my choice, not his bl00dy mother's, and that choice would have been respected, without all the venom that is being chucked your way.

Once the birth has been and gone, and your ex has taken part in the way you wish, then perhaps you could tell him to pass the message on - or send a birth announcement card - inviting her to come and see your children. Maybe even get some nice photos of him and the baby after you have had your first cuddles which would be particularly lovely as the LO grows up to see them, and will also show MIL that he was involved.

And if she's still being a cow, your children will manage with their father and your cousin as their family - friends are quite often more caring and less hassle anyway!

Good luck with it all!

xxx

tabskitten

They care about you - that is why they are hurt and upset- and vice versa.
Give it time and it will resolve.

Kay_Peel

You want to renew and rebuild your relationship with your MIL. You use words like 'stupid' and 'silly' to describe your row with her. You want to move on and not allow the bitter words to come between the two of you or to sully the relationship between grand children and grandparents. I admire that big-hearted approach to solving family problems.

I suspect too that you don't want to go over old ground by talking through the ins and outs of what went before. It's gone and those things cannot be unsaid. You were both hurt. Both of you felt that you were right and (I believe) that no amount of discussion will change the other's mind. To leave it any longer will make it incredibly hard to rebuild anything - but you don't want to appear as though you are 'backing down'.

I'll tell you the easiest and most effective way to end a family dispute. Drop in and see her when she's not expecting you. I've done it - not knowing what kind of reception I'd get - and after a nano-second when her jaw dropped upon seeing me, we returned to normal. We didn't speak about our differences or what had been said - in fact we didn't speak about those for a couple of years, by which time BOTH our attitudes had changed.

I've also had it done to me - a relation turned up after 5 years of indifference and carried on as though we had never had a disagreement. I was absolutely delighted to have him back in my life.

You have made the right decision to move forward, so leave all that baggage in the attic for the time being. You can talk about it another time. In your condition, you want peace of mind and to have things sorted before the baby is born. So, just go and knock on the door. If she's out, leave a note saying that you called - and that will put the ball in her court.

Best of luck and all good wishes to you.

January20

She might have to be reminded that as a grandparent she has legally no right over YOUR children, not even the right to see them regularly! She is lucky that you have been so good to her in the past.

I remember your other thread too. I think your MIL is trying to control you. As somebody has said before, she has shown her true colours and where her loyalty lies. This is a milestone in your relationship with her. If you back down now, she will possibly always expect you to do what suits her.

You are not being selfish. Your ex has no right to be at the birth of your child. He is your ex partner because he cheated on you. You have to do what feels comfortable for you, and more importantly for your baby's health. Ignore your MIL, she will soon realise what she is missing and change her mind. If not, it her loss! I can't believe she is being so selfish and irresponsible!

belfastgirl23

Well first of all you're in the right with what you want obviously

But I also agree with some of the other posters re trying to smooth things over. It is an incredibly emotional time and you are all trying to get used to new circumstances. She has not behaved at all well but if you were able to think of it as a 'heat of the moment' thing and focus on the very positive relationship you had before I think you can get through it.

Of course her first priority is her son - imagine if one of your kids did what your ex did, of course you'd want to strangle them but you'd also want what's best for them. I can see why she wants her son to have the experience of his son being born. And is a bit blinkered as to your needs. Perhaps it's worth saying to her that you can see why she feels as she does? But that from your side of things you really feel you're stretching your tolerance as far as humanly possible. That might help her see some of it from your point of view as well.

In other threads I have been so impressed by you being really determined not to let this derail your relationship with your ILs. I'd suggest being the bigger person and saying you're sorry she's upset. I think that's really true, you aren't sorry you said no and you aren't backing down but you didn't ever want to upset her. Maybe if you lead by apologising for this, she might be able to follow and apologise for upsetting you.

Lots of luck...

Person_one

tabskitten wrote: »

They care about you - that is why they are hurt and upset- and vice versa.
Give it time and it will resolve.

What on earth from the OP's posts gives you that impression? I'd say they see her as little more than the incubator of their grandchildren. Who are so precious to them they won't even apologise in order to see them and are letting them get upset with wondering where granny is.

Do you call the people you care about spoiled selfish !!!!!es? Do you insist on them behaving exactly as you tell them to and drag out family skeletons and sensitive subjects every time they don't tow the line?

OP, I see not one scrap of evidence that your former MIL gives a flying toss about you. I'm sorry to have to say it but maybe if you can realise and accept it you will be able to feel a bit more peaceful and not worry about trying to maintain this clearly toxic relationship.

coolcait

I also agree with those who believe that the MIL may be upset too. And I think it is to the OP's credit that she has not automatically taken the stance that 'MIL is manipulative/toxic relationship etc'.

Being heavily pregnant, hormonal and (given the weather) probably overheating! isn't the best time to try to deal with these issues. The fact that the trigger for the disagreement was over the birth itself makes it even more difficult.

Some of the things which the MIL has said are incredibly hurtful. I think that she owes the OP an apology. I'm not sure how easy it will be to get to that point .

One way forward might be to learn from the MIL's mistakes. She has name-called both the OP and the OP's family. She has emphasised her right as a grandparent to see the children.

How tempting to turn that around, and link her son's infidelity to her own insensitivity, and note how he pursued his own desires, wishes and needs without caring that it might mean he lost access to his children (and that she lost access to her grandchildren). How difficult to resist reminding her that you have risen above his betrayal to keep him - and her - in your children's lives.

How unhelpful, though, if you do want to keep the family relationships going! Annoying though that thought may be! Maybe it's one of those letters you write, to vent, but don't actually send?

I know it's annoying to always be the one who rises above the petty - and cruel - behaviour of others. But if it's important to you to keep the relationship going, then it might be necessary to do that one more time. If it doesn't work, however, then it may well be that the time has come to accept the relationship has ended.

I would suggest trying to take the emotion out of it as much as you can (given that it's such an emotive subject), and emphasise the rights of the children to see their relatives, rather than the rights of the adults to see the children.

One way forward might be to remind her that you and her son, as co-parents, have jointly agreed that it is important for him to be close by, with the two children you already have together ('our daughters'), while you give birth to 'our son'. That this means that your co-parent, and the new baby's sisters, will be the first to greet him after he is born - which may be part of the reason for having a home birth?

That the two of you have also jointly agreed that your ex will not be present at the birth, and that whilst you appreciate your MIL's concern, both of you are content with this decision, as co-parents.

Moving onto your daughters, talk of their right to know their grandparents, and to spend time with them, and that you want them to be able to do that, and would never prevent that. However, they - as children - also have the right to spend time with their friends, at birthday parties and so on. And that all these rights need to be respected by all the adults in their lives.

I would see no harm in letting them know that you feel hurt by comments made about you and your family. But add that you also feel hurt by the fact that your children are upset about the fact that their grandparents are not seeing them.

Let her know that you are happy for your daughters to see her. And that you are happy to sort out arrangements for this to happen. Maybe propose a couple of dates in the next few days, if that fits with the girls' timetable? (I know that this 'end of school' period can be tough time-wise - but maybe there's a school play or something which could count as 'neutral territory'?)

Perhaps finish off by apologising if you have inadvertently hurt or upset her. Tell her that this was never your intention. But point out that you and your ex/her son have managed to overcome all the hurt and problems you have been through recently, and have reached the stage where you can come to an agreement on how he, as a father, is present close by, with his daughters, as you give birth.

Express the hope that you and she can both overcome the hurt you both feel, as a result of things that have happened or been said. And apologise again for anything which you may have said which has hurt her.

You may not be able to say all - or any - of that. And I know it stops short of demanding an apology. I hope that it shows a way to lead her to making an apology - but it's still up to her to take that leap. She may not be able to do that, and you may feel that you have exposed yourself for no reason, and without any result.

But you would still know that at least you'd tried. And you could put her response into that context too.

I do think that you deserve an apology for the things said to you. I do think that it's wrong that you are the one who is making all the running in trying to sort things out.

However, sometimes there is only one person who is willing and able to do that. If you feel up to it (and only if you feel up to it) and it's important to you to do it, I hope that there are some ideas in this massive (sorry!) post which might help you!

Good luck with sorting all of this out, and good luck with the birth. If your son takes after you, he will be born with incredible levels of insight, empathy, understanding and interpersonal skills. He will definitely be born to an incredible mother :A:beer: