Solving Family Rows

GobbledyGook

Hi

Does anyone (especially MIL's who have perhaps rowed before with their DIL's) have any advice on sorting out family rows?

I am massively pregnant, due in a couple of weeks, and a stupid row has meant that my MIL and I are not speaking.

I don't want to back down in a way that makes her believe she was right (as she was very out of order), but I don't want this silly situation to sully my baby's arrival.

It's a complicated situation - my husband and I split up late last year, it was very nasty/ugly for a while, but we've resolved lots now and are doing our best to get along for our children's sakes. My PIL were my staunchest supporters through it all and were/are very close to myself and my daughter's.

She spat the dummy over me having my cousin as my birthing partner rather than my Ex. She called me a spoilt, selfish thing for only allowing my Ex to be in my home with my daughters rather than in the room with me (I'm having a home birth).

We tried to sort this all out, but she got very angry and in the end said something very horrible about me and my family circumstances that I cannot forgive until she apologises.

As angry as I am/was though I do not want my children to lose their grandparents. I only have a cousin as family so it's so important to me and until this row they have been fabulous. MIL hasn't seen my girls since the row and it's upsetting them (especially the eldest). I've had to pretend that Granny and Gramps have gone on holiday as DD1 couldn't understand why she hadn't seen them.

Ex has fallen out with them and has no plans to make it up. The whole situation just makes me weep.

I want to get in touch with my PIL to say that things are hard and I feel I'm owed an apology, but that if that apology comes I'd like us to move on and get things back to normal for the children. I'm not sure how to do it though without setting myself up to be walked over.

Gemma

pigpen

why should you?

(also hot pregnant and stroppy!)

If they have been rude to you, ignored your choice about what is best for you and your needs exactly why do you need people in your life who will make it more difficult?

Bear in mind I haven't spoken to my dad in 6 years after he did something I cannot forgive, forget or lay to rest... and I NEVER hold a grudge.

I'd tell the children the truth.. they said something very bad to mummy and haven't said sorry so they are hiding from you!

You have more than enough going on right now without having to deal with their childish behaviour.. if they don't like you decisions.. hard luck on them!

I'd be tempted to say fine he isn't welcome at the house at all so will miss his sons first days.. but I am feeling spiteful.. and that probably wouldn't help much..

How about ringing and making a 'date' with them.. without the girls in tow and explain to them why they have no right to cast any kind of judgement on your decisions... not your decision to not have XH there.. they already know that and it is noone of their business anyway.. but that YOU want to feel safe, happy and comfortable and with him there you won't.. they can like it or lump it but regardless of how much they whinge HE is ok with it and it is what is happening so their opinions will serve no purpose other than upsetting everyone, including XH, the children, you and themselves! Tell them while you are happy to continue the good relationship you have had with them so far you feel this is not acceptable and you would like an apology for their rudeness, especially when XH hasn't expressed distress over being in the next room it is just their opinion not his and as he doesn't speak to them he cannot have expressed these views to them to pass on so it is purely their thoughts. They have to respect the decision is between you and XH.. and everything is sorted so they just have to live with it.

If they argue.. WALK AWAY... and leave any further attempts at reconciliation to them.. you have them tried.. you cannot force them to be adult about it..

BitterAndTwisted

I really don't know what to advise and I read your previous thread about this difference of views about your home-birth BUT you know and I know that demanding an apology from someone who is absolutely certain that they are in the right will not resolve anything, in fact it might make things worse, if that's at all possible.

For the time being I'd sit back and do nothing until you are a LOT less angry about it than you are now. I suspect she's attacked you in the most hurtful way she could think of because she knows she's backing a loser and couldn't find a face-saving way to capitulate. As long as you and the ex are OK with what's going to happen I suspect MIL will come round eventually, especially after the birth of her grandson.

gravitytolls

I would put it in a letter. I'd just say exactly how their words made you feel, and still make you feel, how close to them you'd always felt, how sad you are that this situation remains unresolved.

Point out the valued relationship with the children, how confused they are, how they miss them.

Finish with you intend to remain on good terms with their son, and know that you will both always put the needs of the children before your own, hence your desire to be relaxed knowing that your children are safely being talked through the procedure with their dad, whilst you concentrate on safely delivering their brother, without the stress of worrying if the girls are ok, worried or scared.

Molly41

Try to put yourself in your MIL shoes and re run the conversation you had with her feeling her thoughts, emotions and actions. Perhaps then you can get a handle on why she acted in the way that she did and said the things that she did.

I have read your previous threads so know the history. Its normal for pregnant women to become insular and more self centred (in the nicest possible way) as they approach birth as preparation for the experience (im a retired midwife and have seen it many times). There may be some truth in that comment that she perceives you as being selfish. However you perceive as doing what is best for you and babe who of course is your priority. I know that she has been a big support you during this turbulent time. Her world has been turned upside down too and she is probably realising this and coming to terms with it too.

I think that you need to help her because it really sounds like she is struggling. Sit down with her and calmly say that what she said was unforgivable but for the sake of your girls they need to see them. Perhaps the situation with PIL cannot be resolved between you and them but it does need to be resolved for the children. As time passes thing will settle and emotions will be less raw for everyone. Goodluck x

*Louise*

I remember your other thread, the general consensus was, your ex cheated so he lost the 'right' to see you give birth, which I totally agree with as your right.

I don't think you are being selfish, but I do think your MIL is beingvery close minded in refusing to see your point of view.

I would explain your reasons in a (firm) letter and make sure they know this isn't something you are going to back down over. I do think letters are easier to get everything across and you are able to 'think before you speak' also it gives her the opposition to think on your words before she can reply.

I would not stand for insults though, and would be wanting an apology before things could be rectified

Good luck xxx

GobbledyGook

I can't accept that not wanting my ex in the room as I give birth as being selfish. I just can't and if that makes me wrong then so be it, but the idea of him seeing me naked/half clothes makes my skin crawl and that is his fault.

I do want to sort it because I don't want my children to have no family other than me, their Dad and my cousin.

However, I'm thinking now that there's no way of doing it without it seeming like all is forgiven and forgotten which I won't do.

I am being made out the bad one at the moment because I reminded her that the girls are my daughters when she sent me a text the morning after the first row telling me that she would pick them up from horse riding because my selfishness wasn't stopping her having her grandchildren when she wanted. As it was the girls were going to a birthday party so weren't going riding so she couldn't collect them anyway and that is when her comment came.

It may have been the heat of the moment but she linked my "selfishness" and my parents drug addictions and them basically abandoning me when I was a child.

Don't think I've ever been or felt so alone in my entire life - which has taken some doing on her part. Thanks anyway folks Gemma x

Steel_2

I'm not sure how you can be so patient with the ruddy woman.

I remember reading your posts before about her antics and to be quite frank she's ruining your pregnancy experience.

The fact she hasn't apologised over what she said probably means she believes she is justified in what she has said and done, that you are to blame and hell will probably freeze over before she apologises.

She cares about her baby - her son - not you and when the chips are down she's shown that clearly.

I know you want back the relationship you once had but I doubt that will be possible unless it is on her terms i.e. her son in the room when you give birth. If your FIL held any sway with her this would already be sorted.

Are you willing to be bullied into giving in?

I don't think even if you did your relationship will go back to the way it was. This will always be with you whenever you think about your pregnancy and birth.

****EDITED TO ADD***

You posted your last message just as I did and I've just read your post.

Cheeky cow. This woman is a domineering bully. Even her son thinks so and has turned his back on her. Why would you want someone like this in your life?

Manipulative nasty !!!!! - to drag your childhood into it??!!

mikey72

I can't comment on the best way forward, but I would contact the school, riding club etc and state that the children are not to be released to the grandparents.
Even if she tries to tempt the kids to leave with her she shouldn't manage it then.

jackieglasgow

Have to say, I agree with Steel. Your MIL sounds like my mother, and I have decided for mine and my children's sake that their life is much better without her in it. The size of your family doesn't matter, Gemma. You know that in your heart. It's the quality of it. Let her stew, when the baby is born and she indicates she wants to see him, just reply that she is welcome to do so when she has apologised for insulting his mother. I wouldn't say anything more or less to her, and would try and distance myself, if I were you. She is only going to get worse. Can you imagine if you ever meet a new partner? Keep her at arm's length, she's only been so supportive in the past because she wanted the girls, she's shown her true colours now.

Sagaris

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I am being made out the bad one at the moment because I reminded her that the girls are my daughters when she sent me a text the morning after the first row telling me that she would pick them up from horse riding because my selfishness wasn't stopping her having her grandchildren when she wanted. As it was the girls were going to a birthday party so weren't going riding so she couldn't collect them anyway and that is when her comment came.

What a horrible thing to say - and I'd be very wary of that comment, as another poster has said her true colours are coming out now - you will not stand in her way of having what she wants, from that comment!

I think I would keep her at arm's length now, she can see she's not going to get her way and is resorting to threats about getting what she wants, she must see that you are not the pushover she thought you were.

Stick to your guns, none of this is your doing, you have been more than accommodating to them all - if she carries on she could find herself cut off forever (well that's what I would do, but then I'm nasty!)

Good luck with the birth and I hope she comes to her senses!