Worst Day ever!

Fang_3

mikey72 wrote: »

Are you his neighbour or something?

I'm just going on what was posted.

No you're not. You're once again sugarcoating for whatever reason.

shellsuit

mikey72 wrote: »

Are you his neighbour or something?

I'm just going on what was posted.

The dad has quite rightly said if they split he will fight for custardy of the child, as any normal caring parent would.

Where was that said?

This is what was said...

Why are you scared? Are you worried your husband will leave you if you go against his wishes?

In a way and he said he would take my daughter if he went, he is a lovely man but very stubborn, im just in a mess

So the OP is worried that her husband will leave if she goes against his wishes and has her son back in the house because the husband has said if he goes, he is taking the daughter with him.

Nothing about fighting for custody has even been mentioned by the OP ~ you're just assuming.

aliasojo

Is it not just possible that we all have different interpretations of what was written by the OP?

Why are people lambasting others for not 'seeing it' their way? No-one knows the true situation so why not accept the possibility that there are takes on this other than our own?

It's ridiculous how these threads end up. They go off on a tangent and heads and tails are added on right, left and centre and then people start arguing about things that might not even be relevent to the OP.

LilacLouisa

aliasojo wrote: »

Is it not just possible that we all have different interpretations of what was written by the OP?

Why are people lambasting others for not 'seeing it' their way? No-one knows the true situation so why not accept the possibility that there are takes on this other than our own?

It's ridiculous how these threads end up. They go off on a tangent and heads and tails are added on right, left and centre and then people start arguing about things that might not even be relevent to the OP.

True, still at least it is online so no chance of fisticuffs.

euronorris

Fang wrote: »

Actually I would. And have done on different threads. You've hit the nail on the head though, if protecting her son, which should be her first priority, will cause the marriage to be thrown away, then there are much bigger problems than this.

No decent person would expect a mother or father to put them before their child.

I agree! And when put in that position and the husband is chosen over the child, it has devastating effects for years to come.

My OH and his brother can vouch for that. He'll be 31 soon and his relationship with his mother is still very damaged because of it.

His mother wasn't there when he needed her most and he just can't get past that. Mainly because he knows, if she was given the ultimatum again, the husband would still win.

euronorris

mikey72 wrote: »

That'll be where we will always differ.
To you it will always be "your" children.
To me and my wife, they'll always be "our" children.

It is not possible for someone to say:

Would it be OK if your OH threatened to take OUR children away.

That sentence would then imply that the OH was about to take someone else's children entirely! lol

So, for it to make sense, it has to be:

Would it be OK if your OH threatened to take YOUR children away.

Your can be singular and plural.

shellsuit

euronorris wrote: »

It is not possible for someone to say:

Would it be OK if your OH threatened to take OUR children away.

That sentence would then imply that the OH was about to take someone else's children entirely! lol

So, for it to make sense, it has to be:

Would it be OK if your OH threatened to take YOUR children away.

Your can be singular and plural.

Thank you!

Some people just don't get it though :cool:

I said YOUR daughter because it's not HIS daughter and it's not HER daughter, it's THEIR daughter, so asking the question I had to use YOUR.

*sigh*

DVardysShadow

muggi wrote: »

Thank you pig pen great advice. I am in contact with school about him they do not know what is happening at home though, he is good kids just lazy and he did not deserve this.

My husband does not want him to go to my parents as he says they are to soft. I know who he is staying with and have spoken briefly to his friends mom, I was in too much of a state to be honest.

I just don't see this getting better my husband seems relived he is gone and I cant cope with it and we have not spoken really. I had tried all day to sort it out with him to no avail.

I know the point has been at least touched on, but I want to reiterate this.

Once OH throws the boy out, he must himself sort out suitable accommodation for him. If he does not sort out accommodation himself, then he has no further say whatsoever.

Taking it further, Muggi, if you feel your parents are the right place for the time being, then you must defy your OH to whatever extent is necessary while this is worked out. Of course having your son at your parents is not a permanent solution. But it is the right step at this time. It may have consequences for your relationship with OH, but equally, if you are not allowed to sort out something temporary for your son in your own way, that will have consequences too.

Currently your OH is forcing you to choose between your son and him. This is not an acceptable place to put you in. You need to get your son with your parents at least to send the message that you will defy your OH for the welfare of your son if necessary. If OH will not accept that, then he is the one who has the problem, not you.

OH must accept that you take responsibility for the welfare of your son and he must support you in that - even if he cannot face having your son under the same roof - he must support you in doing what you have to for your son's welfare. If OH cannot do this, he has to go.

By putting your son with your parents, you are putting the choice plainly in front of OH. Don't fudge on this, otherwise OH will receive the message that you will bend to his wishes and abandon your son. You need to be bold here - I think that by facing the possibility that this could break your relationship with your OH - and by standing up for your son's welfare - you are more likely to have the ongoing relationship with OH continue on terms which you find acceptable.

euronorris

I do have to say Mikey72, from reading through the entire thread, you have actually come accross as biased in this instance. To the point where I actually considered the fact that you might be the OP's OH!

There shouldn't ever be a choice between the parent's relationship and the parent-child relationship.

We have had limited information from the OP on the son's behaviour so it is really hard to comment either way. In my opinion, unless he is being violent towards others or breaking the law in some way, then he shouldn't be thrown out under the age of 18.

And even then, the parents should be working together with social services, the police and anyone else who can help to try and get the child back onto an even keel.

All other problems should be dealt with at home, as a couple. The OP's OH should never have thrown the son out, particularly not without her agreement. If he was willing to do this without her agreement, then he should equally expect her to bring the son home without his agreement.

The issue could be as simple as the son having issues with a step dad being there, and not his real dad. Whilst that isn't the step-dad's fault, he needs to take that into consideration and show even MORE understanding, not less. Adopting the attitude of 'I love you and I'll always be here for you, no matter what' would be a far better approach. Not easy at times, I know, but that's part and parcel of being a step-parent and does not mean that you can not discipline them. It just needs to be done in a more effective manner and jointly as a couple so that the child doesn't think 'He's not my real dad, he'doesn't really love me, that's why he's being like this'.

My OH's step-dad appears to be much the same as the OP's OH. They don't ever talk now. We've been together 2 and a half years and I've never met him. I've only met his Mum twice, when she came for visits, staying in a hotel (as the relationship between he and his Mum is still so delicate). The step-dad was invited both times (managed to convince OH to at least try), and both times he declined. And no, OH never did anything that bad. Just the usual teenage rebellious stuff. He did give his step-dad a bit of grief, but nothing major and it was mostly because he a) he missed his real Dad and b) he never really felt that his step-dad cared for him. He was proven right in the end.

flossy_splodge

Mental abuse is sometimes worse than physical abuse and 'telling' the person who is supposed to sit equally along side you in an'even' relationship is abusive.
My mother was in this position and allowed my father to be dictatorial, harsh, unloving and abusive (he thought nothing of using a belt or his hand to 'discipline' us).
She was terrified of him leaving her if she put up a fight as her own father had died when she was very young and her take (discovered years later) was that it was too difficult for a woman on her own to manage if left without a partner.
I suspect at some level that my father knew this and used the info to control her.
The outcome?
None of us felt loved, supported or understood, as the only person whose view ever mattered, according to him, was my bully of a father.
So whilst we can all offer our own take on things, we need to be careful as we cannot know what we have not been told, and that part of the puzzle might be crucial in understanding the whole picture.
My father has remained a bully and a manipulator to this day and I really believe had he been challenged and not given in to, then we might all have been happier.
My mother sadly is no longer with us so it is now too late for her to have a chance to make us feel better as to why she allowed my father to be such a disgusting dictator.
It's important to remember there may in fact NOT be another day or another week to put things right, today might be all there is.
Good luck to the OP.