Secret Debt - Telling My Partner

sal176

after reading about " secret debt telling my husband" i have to say good luck. i have owed over £20,000 these past 15 years without my husband knowing, i have lied to my family cut down on bills and food to help pay what i owe, my job i had was simply there to pay my debt, my husband couldn't understand where the money was going and why i never had any even on payday, even my teenagers suffered because one xmas all they had for presents was a £3 gift set and 2 t shirts i now owe about £2,500 i am so ashamed of myself, my hubby will go mental and never let it go and will constantly bring it up and throw it in my face he will tell me how weak and stupid i am, i have had years of stress and misery working horrible jobs to pay my debt and because of how he will react that is why i haven't told him, i once asked for his help and he refused so i wish sarah good luck and hope she has a husband who will see what she has gone through and help her,

swampduck

sal176 wrote: »

after reading about " secret debt telling my husband" i have to say good luck. i have owed over £20,000 these past 15 years without my husband knowing, i have lied to my family cut down on bills and food to help pay what i owe, my job i had was simply there to pay my debt, my husband couldn't understand where the money was going and why i never had any even on payday, even my teenagers suffered because one xmas all they had for presents was a £3 gift set and 2 t shirts i now owe about £2,500 i am so ashamed of myself, my hubby will go mental and never let it go and will constantly bring it up and throw it in my face he will tell me how weak and stupid i am, i have had years of stress and misery working horrible jobs to pay my debt and because of how he will react that is why i haven't told him, i once asked for his help and he refused so i wish sarah good luck and hope she has a husband who will see what she has gone through and help her,

I have to ask - what money did your husband pay into the house? If you had children etc did he keep you short of money or did he just not realise how expensive everything was? Christmas is always an expensive time why should he expect you to pay for it without some input from him. If he would have gone mental and berated you for being weak etc I'd have kicked him into touch.!!
Anyway onwards and upwards - well done on clearing your debt it wont be long now and you'll be debt free.

Swampy

Soma

sal176 wrote: »

after reading about " secret debt telling my husband" i have to say good luck. i have owed over £20,000 these past 15 years without my husband knowing, i have lied to my family cut down on bills and food to help pay what i owe, my job i had was simply there to pay my debt, my husband couldn't understand where the money was going and why i never had any even on payday, even my teenagers suffered because one xmas all they had for presents was a £3 gift set and 2 t shirts i now owe about £2,500 i am so ashamed of myself, my hubby will go mental and never let it go and will constantly bring it up and throw it in my face he will tell me how weak and stupid i am, i have had years of stress and misery working horrible jobs to pay my debt and because of how he will react that is why i haven't told him, i once asked for his help and he refused so i wish sarah good luck and hope she has a husband who will see what she has gone through and help her,

that sounds awful, you've done really well to cut down that debt on your own. You are definitely not weak or stupid to pay off that amount on your own.

mummum2

Soma wrote: »

that sounds awful, you've done really well to cut down that debt on your own. You are definitely not weak or stupid to pay off that amount on your own.

Ditto! excellent job, well done you. Feel proud:A:T:beer:

MM2

little_h_2

hi, I've just come back to the forum after a few weeks away. I am in debt of my own, about £25k.

i wanted to post as I am currently on the other end of the situation. my bf has known about my finances since day 1 (although I took a while to tell him exactly how much, but we weren't living together until recently)

on Friday I found out that he was in LOT of debt to a LOT of people, including close friends. Every day since then has been worse and my phone has rung with another person telling me how much he owes. The situation got even worse yesterday.

The very worst bit has been the lies. He has told a lot, for a long time.

if he had told me the truth, I wouldnt have been too chuffed initially but we would have dealt with it. Finding out has made me realise how much I love him (had major cold feet about our approaching wedding as I knew something wasnt quite right) and just how much I could have forgiven. Coming on this forum makes me feel ashamed at times because others have been so forgiving and I am not sure I can get past it just yet.

So, any one else reading, just spit it out and get it over with. I found out from others and it made everything a thousand times worse!

Good luck everyone with your debt busting

santacruz_2

For better or worse right?

little_h_2

yes I thought so, until he stole something from me and gave it to someone in part payment of a debt. I have now got it back but had to threaten the police to do so.

sorry OP this is off topic, I will start another thread.

andrea1968_2

Having 'secret debt' is the most exhausting head spinning thing that you can try and cover up. The white lies, grey lies and big whopping black ones make you either a nervous wreck or the best storyteller since Hans christian Anderson. You have to have excuses for every situation going and finally you think could I actually tell someone and confess that you've really messed up ?

And the answer should be YES YES YES (especially if you're Meg Ryan) It's the best thing that you could ever do. There'll be disappointment, anger and probably shouting,sulking, tears & snot but that goes and the relief is immense. Yes the debt's still there but the over whelming feeling of drowning isnt & anyone in that situation should 100% confess all - I know I dont regret it for a single second.

jcorbygas

I agree Andrea1968 - I told my husband last Saturday and although I am not looking forward to all the hassle from creditors following our decision to do a DMP, I can say that I have not felt this good for a long,long, time. From not being able to enjoy myself at all because of the secret/burden being on my shoulders it is wonderful to feel better. Last night I ended up being asked to do someones accounts for them, make some cakes for someone else, act as a gobetween to help someone else with their business, and I think its all down to my now positive attitude - so please anyone else in this situation you will feel better afterwards and although it makes your partner feel worse for a while I'm sure they will not feel as bad as you have been feeling for such a long time!

Paintballbudgie

I would just like to say that I have been the one kept in the dark about debt. My other half kept our debt from me for years. I discovered it by chance about 2.5 years ago and he came clean.

I was absolutely devastated at the time. In total shock about the debt but also about the fact that he had lied to me for years.

To this day I still feel upset about the fact that he kept this from me even though I accept that he didn't want me to worry and wanted to try and sort it out himself. Knowing that your loved one looked you in the eye and lied to your face is hard to deal with. Had he come clean earlier we would be in a better situation now. I understand it is difficult to tell your other half something like this but no good can come of keeping secrets. In my personal experience, the lies are worse than the debt.