Secret Debt - Telling My Partner

JohnD76

Hey Sarah,

I have a coffee now with two shots in it, that should do the trick :-)

I am not an expert in it but since your debts are from some time ago, I honestly think that the unenforeable route might be an option for you. I will try and find some links for you....

Here you go, give this a read, may take some time:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2532927

John.

and_breathe

Sarah
Oh my goodness - been there done that - 3 weeks ago. My husband found one of my credit card statements that I'd been hiding. He asked me directly if that was all I owed, and I lied I said yes. The following day I told him I lied and told him the truth - all £42,000 of it.
Yes he shouted, he swore, mostly he was bitterly disappointed that I'd lied to him.
It's been hard facing up to the misery I caused, hard to admit I'm a total failure when it comes to money and absolutely embarrassing to sit in the bank and admit to my stupidity, but actually it's been nowhere near as bad as my imagination had led me to believe it would be.
I had imagined all kinds of dreadful outcomes, most of which would lead to my husband leaving me and none of them have happened.
We have sorted out the credit cards, they have all been paid. We are in the process of increasing our mortgage to pay off the loans and with the money I have been paying on the debts we have reduced our mortgage length by 5 years, which means hubby can retire earlier and we end up paying £50,000 less! :j
I now have my wages paid into a joint account rather than hide them. The relief at not having to dash to the door for the post and answer the phone first is amazing.

Be prepared to offer some very big compromises, you have betrayed his trust and it will take some time to get it back, meanwhile he's likely going to want to be in charge of the money (and actually - I am finding this a very welcome break and my husband is finding it an education in the cost of food!).

Tell him, and give him some time. Good luck!

GEEGEE8

My boyfriend of 18 months (i know it's not the same) is reallllly picky about people in debt and used to moan on about mates at work that had credit cards and were crap with money. Well, after 1 year I decided I wanted to tell him about my previous bankruptcy 2.5 yrs earlier. He was very annoyed at first, mostly that I hadn't told him, and also that I had gone bankrupt. Once I explained it we were okay, and he's fine with it now, not a problem at all.

I also had another secret about a weight loss precedure I'd had about 3 yrs earlier. I was going to tell him at the same time but couldn't due to his slightly bad reaction to the bankruptcy. He even asked me if I had anything else to tell him and I said no. I couldn't face it right then.

I told him about 2-3 months ago about the weight loss procedure, and he was fine with it. I promised that I had no other secrets.

I feel bad about all of it, the guilt and the covering up, not being honest with him. It doesn't seemed to have caused a problem though and we are fine now.

You must tell him, you can't carry on, and it might be awkward for a few hours/days, but you will feel so much better afterwards.

wishicouldsave

Hi,
Hope it all goes well, if i knew how to do those hug things using the keypad i would!

Hopefully Together you and your husband will be able to sort something out x

SuzySu

I haven't got anything constructive to add Sarah, other than to say good luck for the weekend. It's awful having this hanging over your head and you will feel better once you've spoken with him. Yes, he might well be angry, but once he's calmed down, you can look at ways of sorting it. You're very brave.

ceh209

I'd advise to take some time looking round this forum today for some constructive ideas. If you have a plan of action of how to deal with the debt, your husband may well be more supportive? *hugs*

JohnD76

Sarah,

I have attached the url in post #12. Please give this a good read.

eyeopener2

I hid my debts from my OH until I could no longer rob Peter to pay Paul. She found out one debt and said is this it? I lied and siad yes but then over the next week or so I told all. All £24k of it.

She went mad, wouldn't speak to me for days or even acknowledge my presence, in fact I left home for a short while but when she saw I was doing something about it (DMP) AND I could show daily that i'd changed my ways she accepted me back.

Do you know what the actual issue was? It wasn't the debt, it was the fact that I had kept a secret, I hadn't trusted her enough to confide in her or share my worries and problems.

Everything is now out in the open, it has certainly strengthened our marriage and we talk about everything moneywise no matter how small. I sleep at night now, I don't worry about the post or the phone. Life is much improved (i'm still skint though!)

Tell you other half, if he finds out his reaction will be much much worse.

and_breathe

eyeopener2 wrote: »

Everything is now out in the open, it has certainly strengthened our marriage and we talk about everything moneywise no matter how small. I sleep at night now, I don't worry about the post or the phone. Life is much improved (i'm still skint though!)

I agree, I didn't know it at the time, but the secret was having an impact on our marriage. If we cuddled, I thought about the debt and felt guilty. If we planned to do something, I thought about the debt and felt guilty. If he made me laugh, I thought about the debt and felt sad that I'd betrayed him and he'd leave me...
So many parts of our lives were affected by this and I thought I was helping us by hiding my problems! It seems ridiculous now, and as I said, it was only 3 weeks ago I confessed all.

and breathe...

sarahdebtbuster

JohnD76 wrote: »

Hey Sarah,

I have a coffee now with two shots in it, that should do the trick :-)

I am not an expert in it but since your debts are from some time ago, I honestly think that the unenforeable route might be an option for you. I will try and find some links for you....

John.

Thanks John, you have really helped with your kind words and own story. Sorry, I should have been more clear. I should have said I have been in debt for 20 years, but that has involved shifting the debt around from loans to 0% credit cards etc. I have no debts that are older than 4 years with the same creditor. Before my OH and I met, I was in debt to the tune of 37K so have paid off a big chunk whilst we have been together, but until now I hadn't been as focussed in paying it off so was still racking up a bit more credit here and there.

I feel so much better for posting on here and seeing I am not the only one to have got into trouble. Just wish I had realised sooner, that's all.