Secret Debt - Telling My Partner

SkintnScared

Hi

Firstly I wanted to say well done!! I have been reading your post in my lunchbreak and its made me realise that I really need to come clean with my partner.

Im sat here thinking I will do the same as you and write a letter, but I just done know where to start or what to put??

Any advice would be much appreciated!

Many thanks

SnS

jcorbygas

I finally plucked up the courage after contacting CCCS and wrote my husband a letter telling him about all our debts on Saturday morning. I left the letter on his pillow when he went for a shower and then I went downstairs and waited!
I first of all thought he hadnt found it but he had. I think what I wrote in my letter must have been OK as I had told him that I was at the stage of not wanting to face the day/wanting to run away, in addition to telling him of the massive debts. He was much better about it than I thought although I think he is still in shock. He kept asking why I hadnt told him sooner so that we werent in such a bad situation.
It is wonderful not having to hide things from him and I am being absolutely truthful with him ie he asked whether people would be calling at the house trying to collect money now that we're on a DMP and I said that there was a possibility. Last week I couldnt even admit why Co-Op Bank were trying to contact him!
So previous poster please pluck up the courage and tell him - it is best if you can tell him what you are doing ie CCCS to sort it out so that he knows there is a plan.
Good luck to you

SkintnScared

jcorbygas wrote: »

I finally plucked up the courage after contacting CCCS and wrote my husband a letter telling him about all our debts on Saturday morning. I left the letter on his pillow when he went for a shower and then I went downstairs and waited!
I first of all thought he hadnt found it but he had. I think what I wrote in my letter must have been OK as I had told him that I was at the stage of not wanting to face the day/wanting to run away, in addition to telling him of the massive debts. He was much better about it than I thought although I think he is still in shock. He kept asking why I hadnt told him sooner so that we werent in such a bad situation.
It is wonderful not having to hide things from him and I am being absolutely truthful with him ie he asked whether people would be calling at the house trying to collect money now that we're on a DMP and I said that there was a possibility. Last week I couldnt even admit why Co-Op Bank were trying to contact him!
So previous poster please pluck up the courage and tell him - it is best if you can tell him what you are doing ie CCCS to sort it out so that he knows there is a plan.
Good luck to you

Thank you ever so much, I just need to bite the bullet and do it........I think your plan is a good idea for me, as I just dont think I could sit there whilst he reads it!

OMG Im so scared of what he is going to say/do, as he is soo good with money, doesnt owe a bean and doesnt have much time for debt!

I have been sorting them out and all (but one) of my creditors have accepted so hopefully if he can see that Im doing someone it may soften the blow?!?

Thanks again

SkintnScared

SkintnScared wrote: »

Thank you ever so much, I just need to bite the bullet and do it........I think your plan is a good idea for me, as I just dont think I could sit there whilst he reads it!

OMG Im so scared of what he is going to say/do, as he is soo good with money, doesnt owe a bean and doesnt have much time for debt!

I have been sorting them out and all (but one) of my creditors have accepted so hopefully if he can see that Im doing someone it may soften the blow?!?

Thanks again

Oops that was meant to say doing SOMETHING..........not someone LOL!!!!

Justindebt

sarahdebtbuster wrote: »

I've done it! I couldn't wait until tonight. I'd made up my mind today was the day and I had to do it the moment he got up. I really tried to wait, but as soon as he walked in the room I knew I had to do it. Started crying, got my letter and gave it to him. Didn't know what else to say, just felt so awful and cried and cried. He is so disappointed in me, but knows we can work through it. The thing that breaks my heart is that we could be so much further along the line, buying a new house, and now we have this debt to deal with.

I feel half relieved and half ashamed right now. I am so relieved that I could show him my credit card statements, my bank account and well, everything now. Before I would do all I could to hide these details and now it is all there for him to see. I know it will take time for him to forgive me and trust me again, but I will do all I can to make sure he can. My dad and my brother have been terrible with money too, but I want to be the one who admits to a problem and actually does something about it. Well, I am that person now.

So now, I can face up to my mistakes and get cracking on getting this debt resolved. I am going to work out when my debt free day will be and get there. My OH is going to take control of my cards and I am quite willing to have housekeeping or something like that so that we can both be sure what is going where.

I am also going to tell my mum today. She knows I have had problems in the past, but I need to be honest with her so that she knows everything.

If anybody else is reading this and wonders what they should do. Tell your OH now and don't let it get to the point where you are so desperate it is starting to affect your health and your family. I think had I let this go on any longer I would have got quite ill.

Thank you so much for everybody who advised and encouraged me to do the right thing. It gave me lots of support and courage in doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I am indebted to you all, but in a good way!

Looking forward to being a regular around here so I can get some more great advice and develop good habits for life.

X

*high five* Sarah.......I know exactly the relief you fel right niow.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/222384

That is my story, in the link above.

That worst is over now, babe......no more the need to meet the postman at the door.

Good luck to you and yours.

Seakay

sarahdebtbuster wrote: »

I

You've kind of annoyed me actually. You shouldn't just assume things without knowing the facts. The facts being that I have made mistakes and want those who are close to me to know the truth so that I can deal with those mistakes and get my finances back on track.

In fairness, all assumptions made were based on the information that you chose to share, and any error was due to his not being as fully in possession of the facts as your previous posts might well have lead him to expect.
I thought that he made a very good point about talking to your OH before sharing a secret you'd managed to keep for decades with anyone else, and could well have saved you from making an error of judgement that could have made things even more difficult between you and your OH.

kitty07

I just wanted to say I think you are an inspiration to many on here. My husband and I are in "joint" debt and the stress it puts on a marriage is incredible so what you have been going through this past few years must have been terrible. You must feel like the weight of the word has been lifted and I think you are a very brave lady. I wish all the best for the future

kerrygblade

OMG cant believe so many people are in the same situation as me!

I too need to sit down and sort out and discuss my debts with my OH. I really want another child and we just cant afford for me to be off work with my debts!

Well done all who have sorted and got in control, i am still quite new to this site and desperately need to get myself on top of stuff and use this more! One questions whats an SOA that a few of you have mentioned in this post?

My current debts are around £24K and i need to get clear asap!

GEEGEE8

SkintnScared wrote: »

Oops that was meant to say doing SOMETHING..........not someone LOL!!!!

Oh my God! That was so funny! hahahahaha :beer:

Well done everyone, it's very hard to tell someone. I went bankrupt 3 yrs ago and I had to tell my boyfriend when I'd been seeing him a year, it was so hard for me to finally tell him.

Shockedwife

PLEASE tell your hubby. Mine didn't tell me and my world collapsed when I found out while he was out of the country. He had become unbearable to live with, but finding out was the best thing to happen to us. I had all the paperwork sorted out by his return with options to consider. This month we finish our IVA - our relationship has gone from strength to strength over the past 5 years and we are now reaching our 19th wedding Anniversary happier than ever. The stress of keeping his debt a secret made him suicidal , so please, please see this as the first step to a better future for both you and your husband.