Secret Debt - Telling My Partner

JohnD76

sarahdebtbuster wrote: »

I feel so much better for posting on here and seeing I am not the only one to have got into trouble. Just wish I had realised sooner, that's all.

Sarah,

Believe me, you are not the only one :-)

All the best,

John.

Bunnyinthelights

Snap-
4.5 years ago I had to tell my DH about my personal debt (all £52k of it) and it was the nearly the worst thing in my life...hiding it for years was the worst.

Its been a long, difficult road but like I said to him-I was bad with money, not a bad person. (ok, STUPID, yes!) our kids havent suffered and thank goodness he is brilliant with money...

Anyway-I am on a DMP and will be for a Veeeeeeeeery long time, but its all getting paid.

toile

Hi sarah,
Well goodness me, you are exactly where i was a few weeks ago, 10 years of secrecy and same amount of debt.

How do to tell the person you care the most about? how do you make the words actually come out of your mouth, I can't give you the answer because its different for everyone but i will tell you what i did.

I wrote a letter to my husband about two years ago but could never give it to him, I had tried to tell him so many times but I just couldn't physically say the words, but like you decisions were being made by dh which i couldn't let him make without being aware of the full facts. I sat him down and told him that I needed him to know something,that its not a good thing, then i showed him the letter that i wrote,so long ago.

Probably you have gone over and over how to tell him, you wake up thinking about it, your last thought before (on a good night) sleep is about it.

For me my dh was brilliant, its still my debt and i am sorting it out, but the releif is indescribable and you will wish you did it sooner.
The important thing is to tackle it head on, come out fighting your debt and with the help of people here you will be able to sort it out. There is always a solution.

Be prepeard for lots of how's,why's and wherefores...be totally honest and as calm as you can. Make it a new start.

I wish you good luck and if you need to chat you know where i am

toile

sarahdebtbuster

Hi Toile,

Thanks so much for your message. It has really helped. I'm glad that you got your situation sorted out. We have a lot in common and it's good to know that there are others who have been in this situation. I just can't stop crying at the moment, racked with guilt and about to shatter my husband's dreams about moving house. I feel sick when I think about sitting him down tomorrow, but I know I have to do it. I really have no idea how he is going to react. I know he will forgive me in time, but I think it will be a long time. He doesn't understand people who get into large amounts of debt and I think he will feel betrayed, hurt, and deceived. I would too.

I have written him a letter with the amount I owe on a separate page. I have laid out how I intend to pay everything and that if I stick to my payment plan I can be debt free in 3 years. I have also got a copy of my credit report so at least he can see I have been sensible with the payments. I can't think of anything else I can do.

When he left the house just now to watch the football he was laughing and joking with the kids, asking me if anything was wrong and it took everything I had not to crack. I just burst into tears the moment he left the house. I have never cried so much, but I know that this has got to stop otherwise I am going to end up having a breakdown.

I am so thankful for MSE though and that I can come on here and share my problems and work out ways to get through them. I will certainly have something to teach my children after all this.

Thanks again. Will let you know how I get on. X

Rainbow_Liberty

Well done for admitting to yourself theres a problem that's half the battle.

I got to the point through ill health and spiraling bank charges, etc that we didn't even have enough money left for food.

Despite my bf getting a good wage we had nothing.

A couple of months ago I broke down and told him everything, best thing I did.

His worry had been that I was having an affair, yet the problem was only money.

Check out my DWF thread Story so far......

toile

Hi Sarah

I know just where you are with this, it is the worst thing, knowing that you will shatter someones dreams, but the good thing is that you have a plan of action which he will hopefully see as a positive thing. My dh also dosn;t do debt....dosn't even have a credit card so its an alien world to him.

I had thought that I was hiding it well....turns out he knew something was wrong and thought that he was making me miserable and thats the biggest guilt trip for me because he his a great bloke.

at the end of the day its only money and as i said before there will be a solution but for now focus on how you will approach it with him, and I can say that the aftermath won't be as bad a the years of worry, secrecy and self loathing.

I will be thinking of you and look forward to you posting back and starting a whole new chapter in your life.

Take care

toile

moominmama72

Hi Sarah,

Reading your post gave me the courage to confess all my debt to my OH.

I too had been snapping at kids hidding bills etc.

My debt only 7k but it was seriously stressing me out, he'd already asked at begining of week if had something needed to tell him.

Finally had chance to talk today with no kids, found out he owes similar amount.

Now we're on proper drive to clear both our debts between us.

Still owe as much and spent most of afternoon in tears but is like weight has been lifted as no longer trying to deal with it on my own.

I wish you all the best and can only say for me it has saved my sanity and now we are going to make a dent in the debt even though we will have a tight few years
there more important things than money

samand

I hope he sees my planning as a positive thing. I looked at my children this evening playing together and you are right. It is just money. Nothing is more important than my family and this has been a black cloud hanging over me for what seems like forever. I already feel a sense of relief for writing my letter, knowing how much exactly I owe, and how to tackle it.

New chapter of my life. Debt free. The kids will get happy mummy back and I can start finally being honest about everything. That sounds so good right now.

X

and_breathe

Oh Heck, there's a lot of us about isn't there!
In a strange kinda way, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one in this position.
Come join us in the other side of the fence Sarah, the grass really is greener! (Good Luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking of you).

Rainbow_Liberty

I also meant to say in my earlier post but got called away on mum duties

You mention that you have managed to keep ontop of all your payments and have a good credit rating. I don't know very much about lending scales and everything and I am sure someone more knowledgable will be able to answer this for you but if you are seen to be credit worthy (which you do) and maintain the payments (which you are) then it shouldn't be too much of a problem if you are financially linked to your OH for the sake of a joint mortgage.

I however have a bad credit file - which has been affecting everything in my life for years and has had impact on my bf as well. If everything goes well in the next twelve months I may finally have a clear credit file but only if the Gods are looking down on me.....

I've been looking for a budget planner excel spreadsheet which shows exactly where I am up to with everything, still not found it yet - an MSE forum friend is hopefully going to write a programme for me, it may be of use to others and will be put on my other thread


Here's wishing you well.