Is this acceptable behaviour with my child?

Valli

ritchie wrote: »

I did ask a friend who work as GP for his advice, and he said unless there is a witness I have nothing I can complain about. Again I am not convinced about this as how can one get a witness for such incidents.

thank you for your time and help to all.

This cannot be right. Abuse is, by its very nature 'hole in the corner' and done out of sight.
Don't say anything else to your son about this but write down as much as you can remember of what he has said, when he said it, when he alleges it happened. Then THAT is what you show the authorities.
Don't pump him or prime him. Just log any and all incidents, however (apparently) trivial, including anything his mother says defending the b/f. This could have been the b/f testing the water so to speak, to see how much he can get away with...

gratefulforhelp_2

Its also important that you use the child's own words. Horrible worry for you.

DVardysShadow

ritchie wrote: »

Thanks. yes i do believe my son, as when i told ex about the swimming pool incident last year, she replied it was "just a bit of fun". Unfortunately that was a verbal communication so i have no record to prove her reply on this.
I am sure that her partner does not mean any harm in terms of abuse, but i think he needs to realise his actions are not welcome and acceptable.

Ritchie, pay attention please. Abuse is wider than sexual abuse.

So, if you mean you don't think it is sexual abuse, I can see that it might not be. But without a shadow of a doubt it is abuse from a similar mould.

It is someone using their powers to violate the space of a weaker person. Do not under estimate this. Even if it was not sexual, the fact that the abuser was upheld by your ex, your son's mother, means that if he has any inkling of what sexual abuse is, he will now be fearing it happening in the future, as much as a child who has been sexually abused will fear it happening again.

Valli

DVardysShadow wrote: »

It is someone using their powers to violate the space of a weaker person. Do not under estimate this. Even if it was not sexual, the fact that the abuser was upheld by your ex, your son's mother, means that if he has any inkling of what sexual abuse is, he will now be fearing it happening in the future, as much as a child who has been sexually abused will fear it happening again.

this is what I said put differently. A powerful adult is bullying your son. Your son is being picked on. He doesn't like it. Your son has behaved in such a way that should make it evident to anyone who has seen your son's reaction and they should realise he is not happy with the behaviour of the b/f. So even if it is not sexual (and as far as I am concerned if it's in a private area of the body it should be considered to be sexual) it is unwelcome, unwanted attention from an adult and your son is entitled not to want it and should not be expected to accept it nor should he be expected to apologise for his reaction to it.
Your son has 'said NO' in his own way.

celtic_curl

Ritchie

I feel so sorry for your worry - and very concerned for your son.

Children should always be taught that no-one has the right to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable and all adults should be aware that irrespective of their intentions they should respect a childs wishes with regards to this. It is a sad fact that abusers do often start with very small incidents which they think they can easily dismiss as messing around. They use these to guage the reaction of the relevant adults around them. Quite honestly your exes reaction would be a gift to any !!!!!phile. Her partner now knows that she will take his side and your sons knows this too. This makes your son very vulnerable.

I was also concerned when yous stated that your son used to really like his mums b/f but that this had suddenly changed - sudden changes in how a child feels about an adult should always be regarded as a red flag. You also said that the b/f used to buy him lots of Wii games - classic grooming. I'm not suggesting that an adult buying a child games means that they are grooming them but if this is then followed by a change in the child and the kind of incidents you have relayed then it's building a picture which has to concern any right thinking adult.

I'm not trying to scare you and I really hope that I and the other posters are over-reacting, but you cannot afford to take that risk.

If you don't want to go to the police or social services start by getting advice from one of the agencies such as parentline, NSPCC, etc.

Keep reassuring your son that he has done nothing wrong and that he should never apologise for someone else making him feel uncomfortable.

As your ex lives so far away I'm assuming she's not due contact until the summer holidays which should give you some time to get on top of things. If she is due contact then I suggest you say he is ill. You say you have no contact with your ex - how does your son get collected for his visits? Perhaps this would be an opportunity to address things.

I like everyone else am sending you and your son my very best wishes - listen to your instincts and you'll rarely go wrong.

Take care
CC

wuckfit

ritchie wrote: »

I did ask a friend who work as GP for his advice, and he said unless there is a witness I have nothing I can complain about. A

Sorry, this is utter horsesh!t. Any GP should know that even patient confidentiality would be overriden by child protection laws for a disclosure of an incident such as you have described. Whether there are witnesses or not is immaterial.

heretolearn_2

Am I right then that you don't know where your child is during visits? that you only have your ex's parents' address and not hers.

There is no way on earth you should be letting your child go off to some unknown destination. She must give you the address or the visits should stop.

minimoneysaver

OP, I find it really hard to deal with that you are even hesitating on this situation. Your son is depending on you to do the right thing by him. Why are you waiting?

Fang_3

If you care about your son's safety at all, you will immediately telephone the police and report this. You will then phone your contact your solicitor and make damn well sure your son is kept away from the boyfriend at all costs, and the mother is only allowed supervised contacts. As far as I'm concerned the mother put this child in danger, now you will be putting him in danger should anything further happen to him. It is your responsibility to safeguard your child, and I cannot believe that you are even hesitating. You NEED to do the right thing now for your son.

Wrose_3

I have to agree with everyone here, my son's 7yrs and I wouldn't dream of behaving like this. Your son has asked you for help not always an easy thing to do with an incident like this.

you won't need a witness to this your sons word will be enough, remember its rare to get a witness to abuse, but If your concerned why not email the X briefly go over the swimming pool incident don't include the reasons she has given, and go onto what has now happened, if she is anything like my X you'll get a full explaination of everything what they think and for good measure how bad you are.
But at least you'll then have your proof and her admitting knowledge of the incident.