Is this acceptable behaviour with my child?

clearingout

You will find the NSPCC Helpline very helpful. I have talked with them in the past about an incident that occured to my ex-husband's girlfriend's child (not my children!) whilst in their care. The neighbour was so concerned about what had happened that she had sought me out - not easy when she had no idea who I was! NSPCC gave me clear guidance on where to go next and what to do - nothing came of it (Social Services sadly don't seem to have the time to follow up everything ) but the main thing is the incident was logged in case of further incident. NSPCC will also make the complaint for you so it's out of your hands if that helps (which in this case it might - son could have complained to a teacher, for example).

Alternatively, you could take the bull by the horns and ask at school if they have any concerns. Don't lead them in the first instance and if there has been a change in behaviour, for example. I am sure your son's teacher would also be happy to advise you on where to go next with such a complaint.

for what it's worth, I think you are right to be wary of your next move. But I also agree with everyone else that there is something wrong with this and it needs dealing with. Good luck and do keep us posted - I think many people will be keen to here that everything is OK.

Amber07

I would be extrememly concerned and would not want that bf anywhere near my son.

The first incident could be seen as horseplay, the second is stepping over the mark.....I would not want to risk a third incident which could be a step further....

You have the chance now to put a stop to this. I would certainly insit that bf is not to be around when your ex sees her son, or there is to be a third party there during access. I also think you need to sit down with ex and discuss why she hasn't put the feelings of her son first. Being made to apologise to the bf? It wasn't your son who was in the wrong there and she needs to know that.

DVardysShadow

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

OP, just a thought - as this thread has upset me rather.

If your son was a girl, would that make any difference?

I don't want to take the place of the OP on this, but I do have an opinion.

I think that the difference is that the swimming pool incident would be more likely to be perceived as being the wrong side of the line, bystanders who were laughing would probably finish with a different opinion And the toilet incident would be totally off limits. So a girl would be socially more protected.

Possibly it makes it more difficult to deal with, but equally, it must be dealt with regardless, boy or girl. They must have their personal boundaries respected.

Valli

Normal healthy people do not follow children into bathrooms and toilets and interfere with them or their clothing.
Not unless there has been an 'accident' and they are helping them clean themselves up.

So, in answer to your question OP the answer is NO.

And even if it IS innocent and just 'horseplay' (which I doubt) your son has sent out a CLEAR message that he is not happy with the behaviour of the bf and for that reason alone he should stop. Because it is bullying and coercive. The bf is using his 'maturity', size etc to manipulate a young (and therefore vulnerable) child.

PasturesNew

I think most kids have been chased around a pool (or similar) with some to55er trying to pull our top/trunks/bikini/whatever up/down .... it happens a lot with lads of all ages (teens are always trying to debag their mates in public). And everybody laughs (except the poor s0d it's being done to).

Bathroom thing's just .... bl00dy peculiar though.

Minxy_Bella

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I don't want to take the place of the OP on this, but I do have an opinion.

I think that the difference is that the swimming pool incident would be more likely to be perceived as being the wrong side of the line, bystanders who were laughing would probably finish with a different opinion And the toilet incident would be totally off limits. So a girl would be socially more protected.

Possibly it makes it more difficult to deal with, but equally, it must be dealt with regardless, boy or girl. They must have their personal boundaries respected.

This is my point - that possibly the OP (and the mother??) would feel more protective towards a daughter in the same situation and would have done something proactive last summer to stop anything like that happening again or would be so furious that he'd address the issue right now, after the bathroom incident.

Just because the poor little lad is male, doesn't mean that his distress is any less than a girl's would be, hey?

I'm sitting here thinking about my own children and can't imagine NOT reacting extremely strongly if someone abused them in this way. I'm not a violent person but sheesh.....God would have to give me strength not give the bloke a bloody nose! :mad:

Minxy_Bella

PasturesNew wrote: »

I think most kids have been chased around a pool (or similar) with some to55er trying to pull our top/trunks/bikini/whatever up/down .... it happens a lot with lads of all ages (teens are always trying to debag their mates in public). And everybody laughs (except the poor s0d it's being done to).

Bathroom thing's just .... bl00dy peculiar though.

Horseplay with kids messing about with other kids is a bit different IMO to a grown male trying to expose a young child.

I once had a teenage boy have his jogging bottoms pulled down in class by a 'mate'. As the Head of Year, I went bonkers at the prankster as the 'victim' was pretty traumatised and he was seriously punished.

If it had been an adult doing the debagging, I would have handed him over to the cops. End of.

MrsE_2

ritchie wrote: »

Any help/advice welcome. Thanks

Don't fail your son.

Children usually (almost always) downplay what they "tell" concerning in appropriate behaviour of a sexual nature. They are more likely to hint & skirt around the issue if they say anything at all.
The fact that your son has told you twice now about this man trying to pull down his trunks & now trousers & slapping him on the behind is more than warning bells.
You need to go straight to the police, far too many sexual predators get away with it because the victims are so uncomfortable about their behaviour, but its done in such a clever (cunning) way that it can be written off as horsing around by others, leaving the victim feeling violated but unable to cry for help.
Thankfully your son is able to tell you of these sexual inappropriate things done to him, now please act on it.

jenhug

MrsE wrote: »

Don't fail your son.

Children usually (almost always) downplay what they "tell" concerning in appropriate behaviour of a sexual nature. They are more likely to hint & skirt around the issue if they say anything at all.
The fact that your son has told you twice now about this man trying to pull down his trunks & now trousers & slapping him on the behind is more than warning bells.
You need to go straight to the police, far too many sexual predators get away with it because the victims are so uncomfortable about their behaviour, but its done in such a clever (cunning) way that it can be written off as horsing around by others, leaving the victim feeling violated but unable to cry for help.
Thankfully your son is able to tell you of these sexual inappropriate things done to him, now please act on it.

I wish I could multi thank this post. I agree whole heartedly.

Soubrette

The incident at the pool on its own would make me uneasy - we seem to have a person who, at the very least, isn't very good at boundaries and has no empathy when someone is not enjoying being 'teased'.

The second incident would be a no go with me, at 9 your son is entitled to privacy, and it would also make me view the first with even more unease.

What is your relationship like with your ex? Would be able to meet and discuss things with her? Is your son old enough to discuss with you what he wants to happen?

I've also tried to encourage my children to talk to me about issues that worry them and I've always tried to say that if they feel they can't talk to me then they must talk to their Dad (my ex) as they might feel they can't speak to me if (god forbid) I ended up with an abuser. it seems to me as if your son is asking for help

Good luck

Sou