Is this acceptable behaviour with my child?

AnxiousMum

Does your son have a family liason worker at school? I would think that this would be a good place to start - I know our primary school has one on staff, and I think most of them do now. Alot also have access to local counsellors from the county that come into the school and will speak with children. The problem with htat, is that it can take a few weeks to set up, and you don't have a couple of weeks. You don't want to undermine your son's trust by just sending him along the next time, without any further discussion. Your ex is just as maddening as her boyfriend - she made your son apologise to the BF????? Hmmmmm She has made it quite plainly clear to your son by doing that, that her priorities lie with the boyfriend and not your son.

I certainly wouldn't worry about any access issues, as you have the residence order, and you are doing as any good decent parent who loves their child would do - you are looking to protect him, and to ensure that he feels safe in situations that he is in.

If your ex is unapproachable, don't even bother with that route - if you need to inform her that your son feels uncomfortable going there, then she needs to receive a letter from your solicitor stating that, and asking her for a reassurance that your son's feelings will be considered, and that for at least the foreseeable future, it would make your son more comfortable if he was not present for your son's visits.-

She has to put her son first - I'm in a second relationship - and my boys will ALWAYS come before any partner - and my partner knows it. The children in a broken relationship don't have a choice as to what happens in terms of their parents lives, but we have choices on what our children have to go through, and how to best help them through it. Good on you for asking advice on here - your son will remember your concern, and that you did all you could to ensure his safety.

Valli

AnxiousMum wrote: »

She has to put her son first - I'm in a second relationship - and my boys will ALWAYS come before any partner - and my partner knows it. The children in a broken relationship don't have a choice as to what happens in terms of their parents lives, but we have choices on what our children have to go through, and how to best help them through it. Good on you for asking advice on here - your son will remember your concern, and that you did all you could to ensure his safety.

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T:T

because my relationship broke down I've been on my own with my kids for a good while now - and am JUST dipping my toe into the water again as far as relationships go - because I needed them to feel secure and safe, which, for a while, they did not. Their dad though has introduced them to every GF he's had since, and lived with two, in just 5 years.

samandona

I just read the OP's post to my boyfriend who said "Give me his address and I will happily go and.... *insert random assortment of expletives*". We are having a baby later this year and I am slowly beginning to imagine the feeling one has towards their children.

I completely agree with the last few posts. Your son is clearly scared and shouldnt be exposed to this anymore. You need to involve other people in this ASAP as if you stop contact you will need a legitimate reason and it will certainly help your case if you reported this as soon as you knew.

Best wishes to you and your son, I can't even imagine how the poor kiddy must be feeling

Molly41

Ritchie - you obviously have a close and loving relationship with your son and one that he can tell you the things that worry him. You should be very proud of yourself as you are obviously doing a really good job parenting your little lad. I think there have some really good suggestions on this thread. How about ringing Childline or the NSPCC helpline for impartial advice? They can give you a professional opinion and I understand that this can be anonymous so you can choose the way forward and not have any decisions forced upon you.

RAS

ritchie

Would you ever think of walking into the bathroom where your son had just had a wee and pulling down his trousers?

Thought not. You know that this behaviour is wrong.

The fact that your ex is so blinded by her feelig for the BF that she does not know right from wrong is worrying. The fact that she is so blind that she forces him to apologise makes her an unfit person to care for your son.

Does this BF live with your ex?

Start by talking to the NSPCC.

Teach your son about appropriate and inappropriate touching and that his gut instinct on this are right.

I think you are probably goign to have to take this further with lawyers or the police but get help first.

ritchie

Thanks so much for all your replies.
Its been a lot to take on. I tried not thinking about it today and just tried to give my son some normal play time so he can not think about it.

He has told me when i asked where he was touched at the top of his backside but not hard. He said his mum knew it was wrong but told him off for not taking it as fun. (hmm i am not convinced).

To further complicate issues my son has said her bf/partner is actually married to my ex. She keeps using her previous married surname but CSA use a different surname, and she uses her maiden name with the school – yes that 3 surnames in use!

Note my ex lives over 150miles from me. Also she has moved but insists her parents address is my only emergency contact details, and she only tells me that he is visiting friends/family during contact. I have not spoken to or know anything else about her boyfriend/partner. I do know that last year he used to buy lots of wii games for him, so not sure why my son does not like him since Xmas time.

I know some of you suggested i should speak to my ex. Note i do not speak to my ex at all. I keep all communication by emails/letters so it can be recorded. She is not trust worthy and always criticizes my care of him.

I have told my son that this is a serious incident and if i decide to tell anyone from authority he will have to tell truth, otherwise we would be get told off. As i am aware that sometimes he can exaggerate things.

I did ask a friend who work as GP for his advice, and he said unless there is a witness I have nothing I can complain about. Again I am not convinced about this as how can one get a witness for such incidents.

thank you for your time and help to all.

Minxy_Bella

To be honest, I think your GP friend is talking nonsense. Of course, there can't be witnesses to all incidents such as these

I know kids can exaggerate sometimes, but in your heart, do you believe your boy? If so, you've got to do something, mate. Really.

ritchie

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

To be honest, I think your GP friend is talking nonsense. Of course, there can't be witnesses to all incidents such as these

I know kids can exaggerate sometimes, but in your heart, do you believe your boy? If so, you've got to do something, mate. Really.

Thanks. yes i do believe my son, as when i told ex about the swimming pool incident last year, she replied it was "just a bit of fun". Unfortunately that was a verbal communication so i have no record to prove her reply on this.
I am sure that her partyner does not mean any hamr in terms of abuse, but i think he needs to realise his actions are not welcome and acceptable.

Soubrette

If you can't discuss anything with your ex then I would seriously consider giving social services a ring and see what they say.

I have a friend who when her children were very young left one asleep alone in the house (with a dog for protection *rolleyes*) while she dropped the older one off to nursery. Her ex reported her to social services, they came round, interviewed her, basically told her it wasn't a good idea to leave a child on it's own especially with a dog but left it at that. She's never had any trouble with social services since.

If you can't bring yourself to go that far (I would in your situation btw) then as has been suggested, phone the NSPCC for some more options.


Sou

Mojisola

ritchie wrote: »

I did ask a friend who work as GP for his advice, and he said unless there is a witness I have nothing I can complain about. Again I am not convinced about this as how can one get a witness for such incidents.

This can't be right! In the recent courtcase the little girl was the only one giving evidence against the two boys and that resulted in a conviction.

If things didn't go further than your son has told you now, I wonder if it is a sexual matter or bullying. The BF has found something your son is sensitive about and is taking pleasure in intimidating him. That could affect your son as badly as being interfered with sexually.

Whatever is going on, your son needs protection from this man.