Is this acceptable behaviour with my child?

ritchie

I have full care of my child aged 9.

Last summer he had contact with my ex for several weeks. when he came back he was very upset as with ex's boyfriend/partner. He told me they all went swimming and her bf started chasing him trying to pull his trunks down. He said he was running away from him, crying and very upset. He said everyone else was laughing and finding it funny. I asked why he did not tell his mum, but she told him it was all fun. He was obviously upset and is scared of her bf and his mum's response.
I made it clear after the contact to his mum that he was very upet. Her response it was just fun, but she has told bf not to do it again.

Now just recently when son has come back from half term contact with her...the first thing he says when he got back home. "Dad i am very upset and scared again". He told me his mum's bf entered the bathroom and poked me on the backside.

He said he told mum, who again just said its a bit of fun, and that he was made to say sorry to her bf. I asked why he did not shout and tell his bf off so he is aware its making you upset, son said he is very scared of her bf.

What is strange is that child used to be okay with her bf, but over past few months he said he does not like him at all.

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Now i dont really want to rock the boat with reference to contact issues or cause a stir for no reason. But is her bf/partner's behaviour acceptable or unacceptable?
If latter, whom do i need to so speak to for help?
Its no good me speaking to ex as we dont talk, also likely from her behaviour she will take some revenge back either on contact or some allegation back to me.

Any help/advice welcome. Thanks

Zazen999

Not acceptable.

I'd be asking why he wants to touch your son on the bottom all the time.

Going into the bathroom at 9 - wrong wrong wrong.....

And -

a - why is your son apologising to the BF when he's done nothing wrong

b - why is he scared of him?

patchwork_cat

Can I just clarify - BF entered the bathroom after 9 year old had been using the toilet, pulled down 9 year olds trousers and touched his bottom. Not that it makes much difference. He could be winding 9 year old up because he knows he doesn't like it and it is maybe a power thing or it could be what you fear. 9 year olds can be quite precious as they are aware of change and what is right and wrong etc. and it might be that BF has no contact with children and is just teasing him, but with a cruel streak. Alternatively it might be more sinister.

I feel the first incident was larking about that went too far and if it was 2 kids and i was watching I would have been saying this will end in tears, as sometimes 1 child takes it too far. However as it appears this latest incident seems more than that.

Minxy_Bella

It's totally and utterly unacceptable behaviour on the part of your ex's partner!

What kind of man wants to do this to a young boy? Not one I would have in my life, that's for sure!

It's not fun - it's abuse. Pure and simple.

I'm sorry, but I would not allow unsupervised access anymore. Your son is just not safe - even if it's just not safe from ridicule and embarrassment...that's enough for me to keep him at home. I just would not allow my kids to be put through that. I'm actually really cross on your behalf.

I might even be tempted to go to the police for a quiet word and see what they say.

Your poor boy. Bless him.

ritchie

Thanks for replies.
Son said at swiming pool incident his mum's bf tried pulling is trunks but i dont think he actually did that, just chased him around, but to point he was crying and in poor state emotionally.

SOn told me he had just finished using the toilet with door closed. Her bf entered came behind, pulled his trouser down but not his underwear, and touched/hit his top part of backside. he immediately said he told his mum. he was made to say sorry to the bf as he could not see it as fun.

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my concern is if i escalate these incidents, it likely that ex will take some revenge back at son/me. Ex has trying to unstable his relationship with him living me for past few years. Note he lives with me full time as she made it clear to courts she could not look after him on full time basis.

so what do i do now? call police or speak to my solicitor or other?
my other concern as a i am full time dad with residence order, some authority may try undermine my position and i realy did not want to go back thro the court/legal process again.

confused76

i also agree this is unacceptable behaviour. that is not something a child should have to endure, and his mother should not be making light of this

i would see your ex face to face and explain that these two incidents have really upset your son and that nothing like this can ever happen again, whether they were meant in jest or not

i know it's a fine line between rocking the boat and sorting it out, but you do need to say something to make the mother listen, as she clearly is not grasping how upset your son is

i hope you get this resolved, horrible situation for your son and i do appreciate it'll be like walking on egg shells to resolve

best of luck

emsywoo123

ritchie wrote: »

my other concern as a i am full time dad with residence order, some authority may try undermine my position and i realy did not want to go back thro the court/legal process again.

I understand your position more than many, and I understand your hesitancy to potentially return to the legal rollercoaster.

I personally feel, however, that you have to do something about this. If the situation were to escalate for your son, no one can predict the outcome for him.

As far as I can see, and I am aware that this is an anon internet forum, your son has approached you asking for help. He may not have used those words exactly, but as a parent, that is how i would interpret him telling you this information.

I personally would approach either the police and/or solicitor.

Better to be seen as "over" protective than let something go terribly wrong for him.

maggied_2

I think the swimming pool incident (best case scenario) was a bit of messing around and perhaps the new bloke trying to 'bond' with your son, albeit in a rather cack-handed way.

The touching however is definitely not acceptable.

When you say you don't talk to your ex - is there a third party you could go through? (we do this). So as to keep things on an even keel with her could you say somethig along the lines of "I'm concerned...not trying to tread on toes but DS was genuinely upset...can you look into...?" I know how difficult this is without trying to put your son in the middle.

If you have full care then how can ex mess you around with contact? I suppose (trying to look at all angles to see the best way to approach it) she will feel that any criticism of things that happen at her house are a direct criticism of her and will be immediately defensive.

You have 2 options really:

1. Put your foot down and say DS will not be spending time with her (I believe you can only stipulate that her BF can't be there via the courts and you have to prove that DS would be at harm) and deal with the fallout later

2. Softly, softly approach and trust her to make the right decisions for DS.

How long do you have before DS sees her again?

milliebear00001

Please do not allow your ex unsupervised access anymore. She clearly cannot see the seriousness of these incidents and so is equally not to be trusted. Explain that you are seriously concerned about her boyfriend's behaviour, and even more worried about her lack of concern (keep your son well away from these discussions). Tell her that you will not agree to any further unsupervised access and that if she demands it, you will approach social services and/or the Police/a solicitor.

Isn't is now possible (perhaps in some areas only) to get some sort of background check on people via the Police? Even if you cannot have access to the info, it is worth asking the Police to check him out. He may have a history of such behaviour, and the Police would be much more interested if this were so.

Your job is to protect your son - who is clearly sending you a very strong message.

toniq

Please don't put your child in a situation of risk anymore, until you know the situation is safe, your child should not be there.

That might sound like jumping the gun, BUT coming in on a child who is in the bathroom and pulling trousers down, espec on a child that has a fragile relationship with mums bf, is not on.

How dare he make your child feel like this?

I really hope it is just a very stupid and naive adult and nothing more sinister.

Bonnie2009

I'd be very worried.

Your son has come to you to tell you what happens because he trusts you to do something about it. You have a duty of care not to send him back into that same situation.

I would start by visiting the police (without your son's knowledge) and asking whether this boyfriend is familiar to them. I would give a full explanation of why you need to know.

The fact is that your son doesn't want to visit when this man is there. I'd then arrange a letter via your solicitor stating that access visits should not involve overnight stays, should not involve your son being left alone with the boyfriend (ie if your ex goes shopping).

But most of all before any access visit I would ask your son to tell you the truth and say if he doesn't want to go. If he doesn't, then he shouldn't have to and your ex will have to accept that.

What I wouldn't do is worry that this will affect your rights to keep your son - your ex is putting herself in a position where nobody would want to give her the right to have your son.