Is this acceptable behaviour with my child?

magpiecottage

You are right to be concerned. The Police or social services are the obvious route but there are alternatives that are a little more indirect.

For example, can you share your concerns with his headteacher or cub leader (if he goes)? Either should have access to support that will result in an appropriate response.

jenhug

Your job here is to keep your son safe, don't let him anywhere near this man again. I would go to the police immediately.
Sounds like he is taking the "playful approach" and seeing what he can get away with with your son's mother. I think it will slowly escalate into serious abuse and he is banking on her "its only playing" reaction to get away with it. PLEASE keep him away from him.

DVardysShadow

ritchie wrote: »

He said he told mum, who again just said its a bit of fun, and that he was made to say sorry to her bf. I asked why he did not shout and tell his bf off so he is aware its making you upset, son said he is very scared of her bf.

Zazen999 wrote: »

Not acceptable.

....

And -

a - why is your son apologising to the BF when he's done nothing wrong

Assuming nothing has happened beyond what has been described, I would say that the most damaging thing now is that he has been made to apologise. It is more damaging than the actual incidents [not that I am diminishing them], because he now knows that his mother will not defend him or ensure that the bf respects his boundaries. In short he now has to deal with the shock of what has happened plus the fear of more and possibly worse according to his own perceptions.

I remember an incident as a child at a similar age, broadly comparable to the swimming pool incident, without any sexual connotation, where I wanted an older relative to stop some over enthusiastic physical teasing and I said 'stop' repeatedly when I felt my boundaries were being breached, while my father stood by and laughed [out of ignorance, rather than malice I now understand], doing nothing to stop it or call an end to it. Father actually had the impudence to tell me I was in the wrong - and it caused me to lose a considerable amount of respect for him. I can understand exactly how your boy feels and you really need to affirm that he has a right not to be treated in this way.

I don't know how to suggest you approach this, but I think you need to give him the opportunity to retract his apology and you need to support him in this. If you can find a way of doing it, it should affirm for him that there are boundaries around him and that these should be respected. The worst thing for him will be if he comes away from the experience believing that he is the only one who knows or respects those boundaries around him.

jamespir

the swimming pool incedent seem light hearted messing about but the other incident is wrong and you need to speak to your ex about it

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm sorry. I can't give any constructive advice as I'm livid that his mother isn't listening to this boy. Poor little thing. No wonder you're worried.

I wouldn't let him have unsupervised access until I'd contact NSPCC or another organisation for support and advice.

minimoneysaver

No way would I allow a man like that near my child! I really believe that you need to seriously think about going to the police about it. Situations like that can impact on a child's self esteem, even if they are thought to be harmless. By the sounds of it, your child feels violated by that man, which can lead to many negative thoughts for your child to endure and try to rationalise.

Minxy_Bella

OP, just a thought - as this thread has upset me rather.

If your son was a girl, would that make any difference?

Zazen999

I'm still thinking about this.

You are a man. You get a gf. She has a son. He is 9.

What on earth would possess you to try and pull his trunks down OR go into the bathroom when he was finishing up and try to pull his trousers down?

If it is totally innocent; surely men these days are petrified of it being misconstrued and thus just wouldn't chance it.

SugarSpun

DVardysShadow wrote: »

I remember an incident as a child at a similar age, broadly comparable to the swimming pool incident, without any sexual connotation, where I wanted an older relative to stop some over enthusiastic physical teasing and I said 'stop' repeatedly when I felt my boundaries were being breached, while my father stood by and laughed [out of ignorance, rather than malice I now understand], doing nothing to stop it or call an end to it. Father actually had the impudence to tell me I was in the wrong - and it caused me to lose a considerable amount of respect for him. I can understand exactly how your boy feels and you really need to affirm that he has a right not to be treated in this way.

I had a similar experience as a child, and I'm still a bit wary of the adult involved now.

OP, your son is asking for your help. I'd be furious, both at the inappropriate touching and at your ex's lack of respect for his feelings. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation - but doing nothing is absolutely out of the question. Maybe talk to your solicitor and ask what the possible procedures are?

maggied_2

This has been on my mind today as well.

I'm veering towards my option of blocking access and s*dding the repercussions for now. If you're the PWC then the ball is more in your court (don't shout me down - it is!!). Your ex's revenge is nothing compared to your son's trust and wellbeing.

Without wanting to be alarmist there are men out there who seek out single mums - it's nothing new. Sorry to bring it up but this post has really unnerved me.