God help me but I don't know what to do

jellyhead

Hi, I have no real advice, but just wanted to send you a hug.

You've said you're depressed - do you manage your daughter's behaviour better when you are not depressed? I just wondered if maybe the thought that your depression might not be permanent might be a light at the end of the tunnel for you.

My eldest used to be like your daughter but he sort of grew out of the worst of it. he still has tantrums occasionally though, and they started getting worse around age 12. My husband deals with my son much better than I do, especially if I am hormonal (I get horrible PMS). I can't seem to get out of the argument, and it carries on with both of us getting angrier. I think if I were a single parent then his temper, and tantrums, would dominate family life.

I know this isn't helping, I just thought that someone admitting they are not a perfect parent might help in a small way

Is there any reason she behaved like that yesterday? is this worse than usual behaviour? Just wondered, did she want to go to the museum? Is there something, crowds perhaps, that upset her? My son is clumsy and hates crowds, carrying things etc. and last week something trivial set him off on a tantrum, all because I wouldn't carry his coat for him and said he should tie it around his waist like I had mine.

Zazen999

Sweetie; all that fuss over a dessert?

HopeAndDriftWood

Does she respond to attention?
You could try ignoring her, or just repeating no, and not being drawn into discussion. This is really, really hard to do, though, and you might have already tried it.
You could also try sending her to her room, or leaving the room she is in, but she might just follow you around. (I'm trying to think of all of the advice CAMHS gave me)

Have you tried a reward chart? You have to be strict with it, though. She can't earn the star back...she has a week, she has to gain so many stars, she'll get them for being good. If she misbehaves, she can't have that star. It might motivate her towards correct behaviour?

If she is usually well behaved around other people, is there someone who could have her for a few hours to give you a break? I know that after a few years I started to dread collecting my sister from school, and couldn't get anyone to have her, but if she is generally well behaved this could be an option for you.

I'm glad Samaritans helped the other night, keep the number close by. You'll get through this, you are clearly a very strong and inspirational woman, even if you don't feel it right now.

rainbow81

Hello

I am in no way an expert but i am a single mum to a son with mild Autistic Spectrum Disorder and so also have to deal with a lot of "behavioural issues". I really feel for you because it really gets me down too. It sounds like you and your daughter also have good times together too though, which is really good.

A couple of things that have stood out for me are:
- When you mention that maybe your daughter is unhappy because of her early life and blames you...maybe try turning that on its head because it sounds like you feel dreadfully guilty and then maybe that sort of vibe (I don't know how else to put it) sort of comes across and she takes advantage here. Not blaming you at all (I spoilt my son rotten through guilt when I put him in nursery to work) but just maybe something to think about?
- That she was very naughty when out but good as gold at home. Was the behaviour to embarrass you in front of your friend, more than the fact that she was actually angry/upset? It sounds like she knows how to push your buttons perfectly. Again, not a criticism.
- Being a single parent to one child can be very intense, especially if there are not many other people about (for example grandparents). I am very much in this situation as well and I notice it especially in the holidays that the power struggle can seem to take on a life of its own. Before i know it, I sound like a 6 year old too. Personally, I have taken a step back and it calms me down at least, and then i am more able to deal with the next tantrum. I have to put more boundaries in place (not all punishments either, nice things!) - I use timers, lists, bribery! "If you have a bath in the next 10 minutes then your treat will be baking cakes tomorrow (or whatever)." The the ball is in his court. So he doesn't have a bath?? It's not the end of the world, but there is a consequence. You get the gist.

I hope I don't sound like a know-it-all because i am far from it. I think you have to help yourself first and foremost though. In my experience my son will push and push sometimes until he finds the end of my tether! Afterwards he seems calmer. Maybe your daughter is testing your love and patience?? or is not sure where she stands with your relationship?? All theories based on your post, but i really just started my reply to let you know that there are other people out there who are struggling through too and please try not to feel guilty about anything. It's clear that you are doing your best.

((()))

mazinmouse

Zazen999 wrote: »

Sweetie; all that fuss over a dessert?

Who are are you commenting on re 'all that fuss'?

misgrace

Esmereldra has hit the nail on the head, its nothing to do with you being a bad parent, or it was yesterday, and now its today....
flippen eck, whats thats all about, she will still be the same tomorrow or next week.
I know I will get shot down in flames here, but I am a straightforward person, so I will say what I am thinking. its not all about the father, or neglect, or divorce, its because she is a little madam, and unfortunately some kids will play on it and thier mum taking all the krap they give them.

You know what she is like, you live with her day in and day out, but I do believe that some kids do not have to have a reason to be brats.

When my daughter behaved like that, I didnt do the 'jermey kyle' thing, I know it sounds horrible what I am saying, but I treated her how she treated me.
She was in shock, as she couldnt get her head around why mum was acting this way, when she actually realised that I was the 'bad cop', she fronted me and asked why I was being horrible, I then told her it was exactly the way she treated me.

I had tried everything, shouting, crying, grounding, but nothing worked, so I had to be the b*tch and let her see what it is like.

I now have a great daughter, who now has kids of her own, and funny enough is going through the same situiation:eek: but I know she will sort it out, as she is going through what I went through.

tabskitten

I think that she should see your emotions!!
She is old enough to know what her actions do to you !!

You poor Lady- it sounds awful- i take t personally enough if my puppy doesn't come when called !!Cannot imagine how hard children must be!

msb5262

Hello OP,

I've just read this thread up to your post #49. It sounds as if you handled your DD's behaviour this evening really well - she didn't achieve what she wanted for a perfectly good reason (you'd said no as it was too late) and it sounds as if you managed to stay calm.

It's really hard to handle these girls sometimes. My DD can be very challenging...sometimes I think she just wants to be me and be in charge. I wish I felt thoroughly in charge all the time!

You have had excellent advice on this thread, and it sounds as if your GP is starting to get the idea of what's happening.

Keep nagging the GP because you both need some help.

Also, keep trying to manage your daughter's behaviour in the short term.

Be clear, calm and positive (where possible) in order to save yourself having a nervous breakdown.

Use the "broken record" technique - repeat the same calm response again and again, try not to rise to the bait and move on as quickly as possible.

Whenever your daughter makes a good behaviour choice, praise her.

Do it as descriptively as you can (well done for...thank you for...I like the way you...I felt proud when you...it was brilliant the way you...).

In contrast, be as brief as you can with any criticism or negative comments.

Make what you can of the good bits, cuddle and talk to her as much as you can and try to tune out the rest.

Her behaviour sounds quite distressed and it's obviously making your life impossible so while you're waiting for some help from the GP, try to offer her whatever love and support you can.

I feel SO sorry for you - what a situation. Keep posting here and hopefully you'll get some RL help and support in the very near future.

Take care

MsB

helphelphelphelp

My 9 year old has also had problems that came to a head this year and I ended up going to the doctor saying I needed help otherwise my daughter would hurt me, or I would hurt her. By the end of the day the doctor had phoned me 4 times and an appointment had been made with a family support worker.

The FSW was really good (tho I am sure was really just a more acceptable name for a social worker) but gave me some much needed help on how to better discipline my daughter through positive reinforcement. It was only with someone else telling me that I realised that I was always saying to her that if she misbehaved then she wouldnt get something, rather than if she did behave she would get whatever it was. Something as simple as this has made such a great difference to our lives. Of course it hasnt been an easy ride, and my daughter still has her tantrums and mood swings, but since March there has been none of the violent outburts. And now after a tantrum, instead of telling her off, she will say sorry and I say how proud of her that she didnt get violent. Again, the positive side.

I really hope you get things sorted. It wasnt long ago that I used to look forward to my daughter going to spend the weekend with her dad as I knew I was going to be in for 2 days of arguing but things are so much easier now, a long way from perfect, but easier!

Good luck x

shegirl

Hun,you need a CAMHS referral.Has nobody ever mentioned this to you before?Doesn't mean there will be a diagnosis of anything but you will get help and advice at the very least.Behavioural psychs can be brill.

You need to talk to school.Find out if she is different there (and I'd assume she is due to no mention otherwise).I hate to say it,but if she is fine at school then yes she may be able to control herself but there will be more to it than that,you will need to look at yourself too.

My son (now 11) is severely autistic and I've been beaten black and blue by him several times hun,so I understand how you feel.It hurts when your child hurts you like that.BUT you HAVE to control your emotions and your reactions.If you can't do that it will not get better.I know you won't like that (as you didn't with someone else saying it) but really,you do need to control emotions and reactions.Going on about things the next day isn't going to make matters any better either -try positivity instead the day after.

Please get some help for your daughter and yourself