God help me but I don't know what to do

blue_monkey_2

Social Services will not help with this problem. The OP has to go to her GP and ask to be referred wither to the Child Develpment Unit or to CAMHS.

C_Mababejive

Warm her legs next time...

Fang_3

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Warm her legs next time...

You are the perfect poster child for this not happening.

blue_monkey_2

I go to a support group for children with conditions on the Autistic Spectrum. 99% of children with these conditions are well behaved at school yet when they get home explode into these maniacs. This is because home is a 'safe place' where they can explode without fear of repercussions. Children who show anger at school usually have other problems and they would have no doubt been addressed.

The reason she can be like this with her mother is because she knows that regardless her mother will love her unconditionally - hence her not being like it to the friend.

squirrelchops

Hi,

What immediately jumped out at me in the original post was the line that you lived with your OH and domestic violence for the first 3 years of your child's life. Attachment at this age ie the child developing a safe secure base and having a reciprocal response from the parent would have been key. It is well evidenced that parents within relationships where there are domestic abuse are not available care givers.....ie not able to reciproate the resposne the child wants and needs within which to develop security.

Fast forward a few years and your childs behaviour strikes me as one who is demonstrating absoltuley as a child who has some kind of attachment disorder. Have a read up...there are excellent books by David Howe on the matter for example. The level your child is going to try and control things and then behaving as if she doesn't understand consequences of actions I would suggest is her attempt to know she is safe and secure and wants to keep testing the boundaries to see if you will still be there to protecther no matter what she does. An emotional minefield - oh yes.

CAMHS would be able to help you with this BUT........I would also see what help mental health services can offer as too often I have seen chidlren of your daughters age be counselled young but then when they are a bit older and really need the help don't want it as feel it either didn't work or that they have been there, treid that before. I work with some very challenging adolescents who would desperately benefit from CAMHS but won't go because they went when younger as this is the only thing offered to them.

Parenting classes can be good as they would give you support from other parents. There is a relatively new parenting course called 'mellow parenting' that helps the parent explore their own issues and how this impacts on thier parenting that may be particularly good - a lot of children's centres are offering this. I have to be honest I am not so keen on Webster-Stratton even though others swear by it.

There are also groiups for children who have witnessed domestic violence out there...may be worth looking at this.

Is your daughter having problems at school. I am thinking that maybe a CAF would be of good support as this is a 'lower level' to social services support but would have access to virtually the same resources.

C_Mababejive

Fang wrote: »

You are the perfect poster child for this not happening.

ROTFL...:beer:

All i can say in my defence is that three of us be brought up in one of these broken homes you hear so much about. When we stepped out of line we got told once,maybe twice..then we got..ermmm..chastised and that was it. We all are fully employed,never out of work and never been in trouble with the Police. sometimes the old ways work better.

Did they have counselling and touchy feely processes years ago? No

I fear though that the OP has left it too long.

blue_monkey_2

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Warm her legs next time...

You see, I could quite happily smack my son each time he misbehaved but as he has no idea why he has done it then it would make no difference.

My son got in trouble for something at school a few weeks back and then done the same a few days after. The school commented that 'he seemed to have no idea that he was in trouble and for what for'. And finally they had their lightbulb that children with Autism do not have any idea of why it is wrong and that they will get punished again. So I could spend hours beating him for the same thing. Who is the winner there? You for feeling better and getting your frustrations out of your system or your child has been punished and has no idea they have done something wrong?

This little girl is the perfect angel at school but bossy - bossiness, or what seems like bossiness, is a trait of ASD because it is about that child being in control of the situation. And while I say control it is about knowing what is going to happen next. The school have a planner up at school so he goes in and knows what is coming for the entire day, without it he is a mess because he NEEDS routine, he then has some control over his day.

I guess it is hard to explain unless you have a child who needs things like this in their day.

And my son would have kicked off about the desert too. Yes, all that fuss. I would however have said there was not enough ingrediants and that we could choose something to do tomorrow and let him choose something out of a book to make the next day. Even if you had enough ingrediants go and get some eggs or something to show you were not fibbing and then they have some control over the istuation but they don't. If you see what I mean. It is all about stratagies at the end of the day.

blue_monkey_2

Oh, and change your GP!! Find one that will take you seriously!! When the school picked up something was wrong with my son the HV told me she had never head of Aspergers.... this is when I went to see the GP. He referred him to CAMHS (who bounced him for being under 4, then for being under 10 when he got to 4, they are making cutbacks so be aware) then he referred him to the ADHD clinic and this is when things started moving.

Fang_3

C_Mababejive wrote: »

ROTFL...:beer:

All i can say in my defence is that three of us be brought up in one of these broken homes you hear so much about. When we stepped out of line we got told once,maybe twice..then we got..ermmm..chastised and that was it. We all are fully employed,never out of work and never been in trouble with the Police. sometimes the old ways work better.

Did they have counselling and touchy feely processes years ago? No

I fear though that the OP has left it too long.

They did have violence years ago though and look how well that worked out.

blue_monkey_2

squirrelchops wrote: »

Hi,

What immediately jumped out at me in the original post was the line that you lived with your OH and domestic violence for the first 3 years of your child's life. Attachment at this age ie the child developing a safe secure base and having a reciprocal response from the parent would have been key. It is well evidenced that parents within relationships where there are domestic abuse are not available care givers.....ie not able to reciproate the resposne the child wants and needs within which to develop security.

Fast forward a few years and your childs behaviour strikes me as one who is demonstrating absoltuley as a child who has some kind of attachment disorder. Have a read up...there are excellent books by David Howe on the matter for example. The level your child is going to try and control things and then behaving as if she doesn't understand consequences of actions I would suggest is her attempt to know she is safe and secure and wants to keep testing the boundaries to see if you will still be there to protecther no matter what she does. An emotional minefield - oh yes.

CAMHS would be able to help you with this BUT........I would also see what help mental health services can offer as too often I have seen chidlren of your daughters age be counselled young but then when they are a bit older and really need the help don't want it as feel it either didn't work or that they have been there, treid that before. I work with some very challenging adolescents who would desperately benefit from CAMHS but won't go because they went when younger as this is the only thing offered to them.

Parenting classes can be good as they would give you support from other parents. There is a relatively new parenting course called 'mellow parenting' that helps the parent explore their own issues and how this impacts on thier parenting that may be particularly good - a lot of children's centres are offering this. I have to be honest I am not so keen on Webster-Stratton even though others swear by it.

There are also groiups for children who have witnessed domestic violence out there...may be worth looking at this.

Is your daughter having problems at school. I am thinking that maybe a CAF would be of good support as this is a 'lower level' to social services support but would have access to virtually the same resources.

The doc told me I had to go on this course but you have to be referred and no-one would refer me even though the doc told me to go on it. I have no idea.

I also think you have to find the right parenting class. I got sent to one but having had so many stratagies with my son I was the one that ended up giving advice to the parents there that were better than the lady giving the talk. I did not go to the other 5 classes.