God help me but I don't know what to do

blue_monkey_2

Fang wrote: »

They did have violence years ago though and look how well that worked out.

My son is pretty muhc the mirror of my little brother, this is why I never thought there was anything wrong with him. My brother used to get the cane daily for ebing 'naughty'. I am pleased there is more understanding now as it helps everyone do what is best for the child rather than just punish them - especially if they have no idea what they are getting the cane for. As the school found out with my son. How many canings would he have got before they realised that he did not understand what he was doing was wrong.

Now he has social stories that they do for him and it helps him understand, they have them on the wall of the classroom. He has to see it written down as he cannot understand the things he is told, he forgets things.

bestpud

I agree you need to get outside help - I fear embarrassment is holding you back from accessing proper help.

I don't think it helps that everyone thinks your relationship is perfect. It makes you feel better to have people praise your parenting but you know it is a sham so it is actually undermining you and any hope you have of changing the situation in the long run.

Your dd will know you don't like people to see her 'darker' side - she's clearly not stupid and as someone who is living with the result of trauma, I can tell you she will pick up on every emotion you have. You may think you can hide it but you can't - I will pick up on the tiniest of differences in people and this is decades after the events.

I second the potential attachment issues as well.

I can say, if your dd has been traumatised (and it sounds as though she has tbh), she won't actually be able to control these emotions. I don't know if that helps or not - I guess it may help to see her as someone who cannot be reasoned with at that point so all you can do is manage the behaviour as it presents at the time.

I'm not talking about milder parenting issues - they can be dealt with using parenting techniques but I strongly believe you and your dd need professional input to deal with the bigger issues.

It has to be help for the two of you though - someone to work with you both as I think you both have unresolved issues (you have been traumatised too - don't forget that). You need to toughen up but I think you are too worn down and involved to do that alone tbh.

Don't excuse her poor behaviour though, whatever you do - even if she can't control it, it doesn't make it right and she is old enough to know that.

I don't know if that helps or not but I urge you to meet this head on and that perhaps means taking the bold step of admitting how awful it is.

Do you have a support network you can call on, or does everyone close to you think all is wonderful in your world?

Lastly, any professional help may involve a long wait so sooner the better really.

In the meantime, could you keep a short diary of her behaviour and list alongside it what was going on for you at the time, to see if there is any patterns or particular triggers? Perhaps you've already done that though.

Good luck with it.

grey_lady

Just a couple of thoughts, firstly when you say that you've tried everything, does that include smacking?

The other thing was I was reading a book by someone who had fostered a lot of troubled kids in America, he used behaviour contracts, similar to a reward chart but it also took rewards away for bad behaviour, so say tidying room every day earns a trip to the cinema but swearing takes it away, this was all drawn up with the kids agreement and they both signed it. For really bad behavioural outbursts he would send the kid away until they were sorry, e.g if they stormed out the room they weren't allowed back in to rejoin the family until they were sorry, coming back still in a bad mood wasn't acceptable.

Finally is there anything about your daughters routine that could be influencing her behaviour? Late nights, unsuitable tv, to much sugar, additives etc, not enough exercise, some people have found that changing their Childs diet has an effect on their behaviour.

Just thought, when she said that she was going to take a knife from the kitchen drawer and stab you, is there any way she could have ever heard your ex threatening to stab you? Because if she has then it does suggest that there's still some trauma and she might benefit from seeing a clinical child psychologist and cetainly in my area you can self-refer to the Community Child Psychology Service (part of CAHMS) so you could contact them directly without having to go back to your GP.

heretolearn_2

I think you need to go to your doctor and insist on seeing mental health services for her, not being fobbed off with nurses and the like. There is a lot of demand so it takes persistance sometimes, but get yourself on that list even if you have to go to the doctor's twice a week until he caves in (or change doctors).

jellyhead

blue_monkey wrote: »

The doc told me I had to go on this course but you have to be referred and no-one would refer me even though the doc told me to go on it. I have no idea.

I also think you have to find the right parenting class. I got sent to one but having had so many stratagies with my son I was the one that ended up giving advice to the parents there that were better than the lady giving the talk. I did not go to the other 5 classes.

I went on a Webster-Stratton course last year. It was at the surestart centre and anyone could join in. They put a poster up in the nursery room (it's where my son had his 2.5 hours a day) so I asked to be put on the list for the next course.

Although it was for anyone there is a waiting list sometimes because they have referrals from social services etc. and if somebody is in desperate need then they will get priority over someone who is not at the end of their tether.

A couple of people had been sent by a health visitor or social worker, others had been invited and others just saw the poster. I found the chat with other parents to be the most helpful thing really, although the people running the course were great.

You get a book called 'the incredible years', it says for ages 3-8 on the cover but it would still be suitable for a 9 year old I think.

We were told that the course wasn't specifically for parents of autistic children, as as on blue monkey's course there was one mum who already had lots of strategies and she gave a lot of extra advice to the parents whose children were autistic.

The first few sessions aren't about behaviour or discipline so some people dropped out early. It starts with play, which some of us felt we had no problem with, but for others it was very useful, if they had a poor relationship with their child because they were always stressed, anticipating the next tantrum and feeling worn out.

clairehi

troubledmummy wrote: »

I have taken her to the doctor, he referred us to the health visitor who referred us to the school nurse. After seeing the school nurse nothing much has happened. All I got was more advice for dealing with her behaviour, all of which I tried but gained no ground.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am tired and fed up.

Hi hon, I know you feel exhausted and that you feel you have tried everything but you need to go back to the GP again I'm afraid and tell them that you have done what they said, and it hasn't worked.

It is not your fault that the advice you have been given so far has not helped, it is just that your DD needs a higher level of support/different treatment and that means a referral to CAMHS as many of us have said.

It may help to try and see another GP if you are in a group practice and you feel that your GP is not helpful. However make sure you are absolutely frank with them about how bad things are. Maybe write some notes for yourself before the appointment so you remember everything you need to tell them.

leefire

You sound so lonely and obviously have problems as you said you suffer mobilty anxiety and depression problems. The day out you had sounded somewhat long and stressfull with a lot of walking involved. Busy gallerys and city centres probably arent the best ideas for days out when you feel stressed, You need to be around supportive friends and not feel embarassed CONFIDE in someone close and have a day somewhere relaxing, one that doesnt involve lots of carrying and walking.

Positive mental attitude is what is needed your daughter only has you in the world and taking your own life would scar her forever. One of my close friends took her life in much the same circumstances, her boys were hard work and the days were a struggle. This was 10 years ago now her boys are grown and miss her so much, her family suffer every day and she is such a miss. Like you she was a lovely person and great fun she was 29 and had so much more living to do.

Get help and things will improve think about where you will be in 5 or 10 years, your daughter will be grown up and you will have more of a life than you do now. Try and not expect to much from her in the way of helping out etc... Then you will not feel stressed when she doesnt. Just remember shes yr baby even when you sometimes might look at her and wonder who she is xxxx

Loopy_Girl

troubledmummy wrote: »

When I first split from her father I was very soft on her, feeling guilty for not being able to protect her and making excuses for her behaviour after everything she had witnessed.

And when did you start being 'not very soft' on her and giving her boundaries again? Which children thrive on

I'm sorry my opinion may not be very popular but I think she is acting like a brat who has got her way for so many years and been able to get away with murder that she completely has you where she wants you.

She can turn it on like a tap which shows she can control herself if she chooses.

You say she would send you to the naughty step - please don't tell me you went there and stood?:eek:

She has absolutely zero respect for you and is treating you like a doormat probably because she has got away with it for so long and you still carry this guilt around about her Dad and the home situation at that time - but remember you are out of it and have been for many many years.

You say you have tried everything but yet you didn't go to the Parenting classes that were set up for you - personally I think this is desperately what you need. You need to learn to be the parent again and have the respect you deserve in your own home. Don't make pacts with her (am thinking of the hand holding when you were out) - you are the adult and therefore your word is final, paricularly when you are in a danger situation such as being in a busy city street.

Am assuming that your depression is being treated and if not then that is clearly a priority as well.

Remember you are a good Mum - you got out of a horrific situation. You were strong enough to be able to do that, now you just need to pull that strength up again so that you can have a proper relationship with your daughter where she knows you as her Mum, respects you as that and also knows her boundaries and knows that there are consequences for every action.

Am assuming that when she has these episodes there are punishment? For example for the nonsense that went on at the day out, then I would expect a punishement of no telly/DS/PC whatever for X amount of days. And then for the dessert/bathtime drama there would be another punishment....maybe getting grounded or something.

I defintely think parenting classes are the way forward but then that's just my opinion...I am a lone parent, and have been for nearly 9 years, so I know how difficult it is but I also know how important it is that boundaries are in place for a happy home.

Good luck x

shegirl

Sorry,but I have to say do not focus on possible ASD as many seem to be doing!

Mupette

not that it helps but when i was a little girl, my mum was the one that dealt out the punishment, and would regulary smack me etc, not something i do to my own child tho.

But after one terrible beating i received, i remember being quite angry and screaming at my mum that i would stab her and kill her.

I was about your daughters age, and mum took me to a child psychologist and found nothing wrong with me. I was just reacting to the beatings.

But i agree with loopy girl that your daughter does indeed sound like a spoilt brat, who has taken to being disaplined badly.

Far too many parents put this behaviour down to ADHD and that's ok kinda attitude, when infact they have never been to the approapriate channels/doctors about it (those with children that have don't flame as this is not about you)

Time to stop feeling guilty, i too came out of a very nasty violent relationship 11 years ago, my son was 4 i was soft on him for a few days, but at the same time laid down ground rules and stuck by them.

DS is not perfect, any parent that claims that their angel is, is ofcourse wearing rose tinted glassess.

Get back to those parenting classess, back to basics, get the support that you need to help you.