God help me but I don't know what to do

blue_monkey_2

shegirl wrote: »

Sorry,but I have to say do not focus on possible ASD as many seem to be doing!

Why not? Every avenue should be investigated, especially seeing as it takes a long time to get through the system and see the right doctors anyway.

I had people say the same to me, even when I asked his pre-school if he has something wrong with him I was told not to be so silly. In the end I gave up sending him.

BTW, the Educational Phsycologist would not help because the little girl is fine at school.

This lady already has stratagies in place, she has already told us this, if they are not working them she needs to investigate things further.

shegirl

blue_monkey wrote: »

Why not? Every avenue should be investigated, especially seeing as it takes a long time to get through the system and see the right doctors anyway.

I had people say the same to me, even when I asked his pre-school if he has something wrong with him I was told not to be so silly. In the end I gave up sending him.

BTW, the Educational Phsycologist would not help because the little girl is fine at school.

This lady already has stratagies in place, she has already told us this, if they are not working them she needs to investigate things further.

People on the internet giving possible diagnosis is not helpful at all.Infact,it makes many people decide their child has something (usually the one people bang on about) and then make it their mission to have that diagnosed,ignoring everything else and not even looking at their own parenting,circumstance etc.

I also think there is no need to mention ASD as to be honest I see no sign of it in what has been written at all.Anyone who shouts out 'ASD' on the basis of 'tantrums' and aggression needs to learn more!

miss_spooky

Hi Troubledmummy,

I hope you are feeling better today.

I've already entioned finding your local Surestart Centre and noticed someone else mentioned finding some useful parenting courses there as well. The SSC also have Councillors on site so you may be able to get a session in with one of them. The Health Visitors will also help you with any referals you need. They will also sit dawn take time & talk to you while your there. They seem to have more time as a drop in, then what they used to.

I was just watching this on telly & don't really know how or when the next series starts but have you though of doing a video of her when she has a tantrum & sending it on to Jo Frost - Supernanny. If all else fails she may be able to help - and I'm being serious.

If it is just a case of redefing boundries, then that can be really difficult to take into task when you are on your own. You will need support to do this.

Keep strong, PM if you wish.

Amethyst_ice

Hia, nice to know so many people are responding to you with this, i hope some of the comments are giving you a little support.

My dad left us when i was 12 and my sister was 3 and he was abusive. Everythign you described is EXACTLY how my sister began to get around 7 years old and is still similar now at 14.

My mum is a strong person but the amount of times she rings me at uni saying she cant cope with my sister anymore. My sister can just 'turn' so to speak as soon as she is asked to do something or doesnt get something. People say..oh it is just teenage behaviour but she has behaved like this for longer.

I alsways thought she was too young to remember my dads behaviour but perhaps there is a pattern here and they subconciuosly do? I know alot of her mates at school talk about dads etc so maybe her being reminded by her peers that hers is not around or she doesnt have a strong as realtionship.

Whenever my sis goes over to my dads (which i feel so uncomfortable about) she comes back and is rude, abusive and agressive to us..like she is taking it out on me and my mum particular.

We had a quiet word with the fam doctor and she suggested perhaps she may have depression.

You really have to hang in there. One thing that seemed to help my sis was karate.She was able to let her anger out in a constructive manner...perhaps your daughter has lots of pent up anger inside and the bad behaviour gets more a reaction from you than say when she acts 'normal'.

Don't suffer in the dark. In the past there were lots of 'naughty' kids when in fact they had mental health or behavioural issues.

I know that some days just feel like giving up..my sister can make me reallly reallly upset but i notice than when i ignore her and dont acknowledge the bad behaviour she tires of it quickly.

good luck and hang in there..you have so far

xxxxxx

troubledmummy

Hi and thanks all for all your responses. I am sorry I didn't respond yesterday but I was out all day with my daughter. She was a little angel. I found a better star chart than we used in the past and she responded to it positively. It is a fairytale one that she had to colour in and as she is very artistic she loved it.

I also found a printable behaviour contract online which I printed out this morning as I thought it would be helpful for us to identify together what needs to be changed and break it down and work on one thing at a time, rather than say, her behaviour as a whole thing. I wanted to use the contract as a way of indentifying each issue so she knew exactly what parts of her behaviour was unacceptable.

This is where it all began to fall apart, she started getting very touchy and I reassured her that she wasn't being criticised or attacked, and if we looked at her behaviour yesterday nothing that we were writing down she had demonstrated yesterday. She demanded that I skip a line when writing the list, but there aren't many lines and she confiscated the paper. I took control of the situation and got the piece of paper back however she stormed out when I wanted to write down that she was to stop putting me down in private and in front of other people, she asked for an example which I gave her and she denied saying anything screaming and shrieking at me and stormed out. So now she is in her room sulking. I know this situation isn't going to improve immediately and any new form of discipline will initially be met with resistance.

I am still sticking in there, it broke my heart yesterday when she was a little angel and I could see just how good she has the ability to be.

We have tried reward charts in the past and they have worked for only one or two days, then she stops caring about the reward or her behaviour, I give treats at the end of the day as well but she stops caring about those aswell.

About the death threats, she says them in anger, I know she wouldn't follow through, but she flies into these extreme rages and goes wild and crazy, she loses control.

I tried talking to her again about her father yesterday and she started to get angry, I backed off because forcing it isn't going to help but what I did learn for the first time is that she remembers what he was like and as a result of moving around since leaving him she does feel her life is unstable. She also still feels incredible hurt and anger at my mother for what she did that led us to cutting ties with her, she told me she wishes her dead. She is carrying around so much anger.

I think she is more than just a spoiled brat, I think her behaviour stems from trauma and so a more sensitive and sympathetic approach is needed rather than a more gung ho approach that one would use with a naughty child. I want her behaviour to improve while keeping things stable and so she doesn't feel under attack.

Some people seem to think I am a doormat! if I was I would still be with my ex and I would be doing nothing to curb my daughters behaviour. She has always had boundaries, yes I was soft on her at first, what I meant was I made allowances, knowing that in the immediate aftermath of leaving her father she was lashing out in pain, however I still made it clear to her that her behaviour was wrong.

Thank you to those who have given me constructive advice. I am going to see the dr on Tuesday about a referral.

troubledmummy

I just wanted to add about the violence. When she has been naughty in the past I used to smack her, many moons ago, if her naughty behaviour was so extreme that it warranted it, however I don't anymore.

For two reasons, first of all she smacks me back, as I said before anything I say to her or use on her she thinks is fair game to use on me. I have tried drumming it into her till I am blue in the face, many different ways, that I am the adult, she is the child, we are not on the same level. Also, I don't smack her anymore, because how can I tell her off on the one hand for using violence on me saying it is unacceptable, and then using it on her?

SugarSpun

Thank you for updating, I've been thinking about you this week and chatted with a colleague who deals with severely traumatised children because although I don't think your daughter has been through the same level of horrors as those kids she made some good points.

I think not smacking is a good idea especially for traumatised children - it seems a good thing for her to know that violence plays no part in the relationship between you and her (and as she gets bigger more so for your own safety; most kids have a notion that smacking adults is taboo but if she's seen you being hurt in the past that taboo is already broken). Reinforcing her good behaviour is also good, as is telling her how good it makes you feel when she [whatever] and how proud you are of her for [something else].

Often traumatised kids have a pattern of believing that they're unlovable because what happened to them was so horrific that they must be, so they try to test the strong relationships they have to make sure they're strong - and what happens is that sometimes these relationships break down and the child's perspective is reinforced. Reassurance is incredibly important - "You are my daughter, and a wonderful person, and I love you no matter what." If she's receptive, you can add something like "but when you do [this] it makes me sad. I don't like to see you so unhappy, and I don't like that your behaviour then makes me unhappy. How can we solve this together?"

It sounds like she has problems expressing her anger, which is not terribly surprising. Someone mentioned karate, which I think is a good idea; I also did tai chi for similar reasons - it's all about body discipline and you can see the martial applications in it, but there's no combat in normal classes and you could easily do it in the same class as her if you wanted. I'd also recommend counselling, and in your position I'd seriously consider a counsellor who can see her individually and the two of you together as a mediator.

I wish you all the luck, patience and courage in the world. You're doing a great job.

Lara44

Well done troubledmummy, I really hope things go well and you continue to make progress. It sounds like your daughter is definitely dealing with past trauma. It's so good you are going to get a referral, both for the sake of you and your relationship, but also for your future daughter. It would be very sad if your ex OH's behaviour turned your daughter into a very angry adult who couldn't form good relationships. Or God forbid who lashed out at her own partner thus repeating the cycle. You can do it! Good luck

troubledmummy

Something else happened this week that has made me aware that I am not as over past trauma as I thought I was.

A new friend and I took our kids to the park, she also escaped domestic violence and she has a seven year old son. She also has issues with his behaviour and she says she struggles. I was watching him and he consistently put my daughter down, everything she said was wrong, everything she did was wrong. They played a game of trains, he said he was going to be a train and my daughter said she was going to be a racing train, he said that he didn't say they were going to be racing trains. Because my daughter wanted to visit different stations on her 'train' than he wanted, he said he wasn't going to play. So my daughter continued pretending to be a train on her own, he then changed his mind, started choo-chooing and crashed right into her with his arms folded, she's only a slim little thing and he is a big built strong bodied kid, she almost went flying. Before thinking I called out his name and asked why he did that, that it wasn't nice. I then stopped and realised it probably wasn't my place, but still it was my daughter that was being charged into because she wasn't playing his game the way he wanted her to. My daughter was so upset she was screaming to go home, I have never seen her like that, usually she might get upset, but she will stomp away and refuses to continue playing, she will do her own thing. It was so upsetting, as we were packing up the other little boy continued misbehaving so his mum took him home, we stayed longer and my daughter was fine for the rest of the day.

I don't know whether I was in the wrong calling him up on what he did, or whether I was out of place, but I noticed how quick I am to jump to my daughters defence in situations and how fiercely protective I am over her. I do feel she has been through so much, what she's witnessed, her dad laid into her physically and verbally, he was very much the smacking into submission type, obviously. She also witnessed him being incredibly cruel and beating our dog who was terrified of him, I rehomed him (the dog I mean not my ex. I wish I'd been able get rid of my ex so easily!) so he would go to a better home. It was so hard to get away from my ex but we finally did. I also had a still birth when she was younger and there was no one to leave her with so she had to come to the hospital and she saw me traumatised and in shock from losing blood, she also knew the baby was dead. God it was so horrible.

Oh and further to my earlier post, we have finished the behaviour contract and she is being very well behaved right now and very sweet...pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee let it continue!

SugarSpun

I think it's excellent that your daughter sees you coming to her defence. You've both been through a lot, and it's important that she knows you're on her side.