God help me but I don't know what to do

C_Mababejive

Not read it all...my sympathies to you. She obviously has behavioural difficulties. My own mother would have thrashed it out of her and that would have been an instant cure but thats not very pc now so i expect everyone will suggest counselling,anger management and a possible diagnosis of ADHD.

Zazen999

mazinmouse wrote: »

Who are are you commenting on re 'all that fuss'?

Who are are I? Who are you to tell me I can't comment on a post?

The fuss over a dessert? She's a kid - she just wanted to make a dessert.

In the greater scheme of things, some perspective needs to be taken.

The OP missed classes on parenting skills - so she identified that they were needed but didn't go [for whatever reason/s]. Reading a leaflet is not the same as getting practical help - and usually in a class you can explain your particular problems and get help to your situation.

pandora205

The best parenting classes (Incredible Years, Triple P, Mellow Parenting) have lots of evidence for behavioural change with children with severe difficulties and include role play, video analysis and feedback, rehearsal of positive play, etc. which achieves much more than reading. The Incredible Years book is also well worth reading. I'm a psychologist and refer to it myself.

ciderwithrosie_2

Zazen999 wrote: »

Who are are I? Who are you to tell me I can't comment on a post?

The fuss over a dessert? She's a kid - she just wanted to make a dessert.

In the greater scheme of things, some perspective needs to be taken.

.

I agree, there's no point setting up for conflict. As the OP's daughter had helped cook dinner then to reinforce that positive thing she should have a reward - to make a dessert if that's what she wanted to do.
Now it could be that she did want to make something complicated they didn't have in but maybe a quick trip to the corner shop could have avoided the battle that ensued or keeping in some packets of angel delight and sprinkles (how sophisticated a pudding can a 9 yr old make?) and seeing as it's half term did it really matter if she went to bed a bit later than normal. I know this is only one isolated incident in a catalogue of many but still I feel it did get blown out of all proportion by both.

Fang_3

You sound like you are one of life's victims, and your daughter is one of life's bullies. That's not the best combination. I'm sorry but all I've read is how you've tried to discipline her but it doesn't work, and your GP seems useless. Substitute the word daughter for boyfriend and I think you'd see all this differently. However this is a situation of your making, and you need to get on top of it. You mention how you couldn't protect her from the DV for the first three years - did you ever seek professional help for your daughter to deal with this? Or did you just 'reward' her by ignoring her bad behaviour. What was the punishment for yesterday's behaviour at the museum? Throwing her art work in the bin? After that performance and her reactions after it, she should be without ANY luxuries.

It seems to me that you're treating her as a victim still, and while she is, she doesn't need to be treated as one, she needs to be treated as your child. She's not your friend, she's your child. I'd suggest that you do as others have suggested and have her referred. Write everything that she's done and give it to your GP. Don't sugarcoat it thinking that you're helping, you're not. They need to know everything. And I don't think her spending one or two days with someone else assessing her would help. It seems to me that either her behaviour is targeting towards you only, or she is a master at hiding her true nature, and to uncover that, it would take a lot longer than a few days.

Would it be fair to say that you give up on things easily? Like the parenting classes, discipline etc? But you've not given up on your daughter, so you're obviously not weak. You can do this, it's just another battle. But your first priority MUST to be to get your daughter into counselling due to the DV. Yes it was six years ago, but a third of her life has been suffering through that, and the remaining two thirds have been spent running from it, and then behaving as an abusive partner. Help her, but don't excuse her. There is no excuse for what she's doing.

Good luck, and keep your head held high, you've faced worse than this and survived.

~Chameleon~

pukkamum wrote: »

Yes i agree she was in a state and feeling suicidal but she is the adult and she has to be able to control her emotions otherwise how can she expect her child to.

I'm sorry but obviously you have never been in a situation where you feel so desperate you want to end your life. If you had you would know that the OP had at that moment lost all control over her emotions and it would have been almost impossible to even form any sort of communication with the child.

Troubledmummy - please ring your GP asap if you haven't done so already (not read to the end of the thread yet) as you clearly cannot cope with this on your own anymore. You are NOT a failure, the fact you have posted here very clearly demonstrates you are a strong person at the end of your tether and need help & support. I sincerely hope you can find the courage to ask for it xxx

missylaney

I have been in almost exactly the same situation as you with my son, who is now 11. He had always had "tantrums" that seemed to kick off for the slightest reason and it came to a head when he was 9 and he had a very similar public display to the one you describe, hitting me, shouting and swearing at me etc and it was absolutely dreadful - one of the worst days of my life. Up until that point I hadn't taken any medical advice but that incident (not the first but definitely the worst) led me to take my son to my GP and ask for help. He referred me to the paediatrician at our local hospital who diagnosed mild tourettes syndrome - these "rages" can apparently be a symptom of tourettes. I was shocked because DS's "tics" were so mild, just sniffs and throat clearing really, that I hadn't even really noticed them.

I'm not suggesting that your daughter has tourettes, or ADHD or any other of the "labels" that people have suggested. It's certainly possible, and a diagnosis would help - my sons behaviour noticeably improved after his diagnosis mainly because we all stopped blaming each other. His behaviour wasn't his fault or mine, and I truly believe that your daughters ISN'T YOUR FAULT OR HERS. Knowing this will help you to both to cope.

My son still has a problem with an explosive temper, and there is still not a thing I can do with him when he has worked himself up into that state. However, we now have a peaceful and happy home life though - because I have learnt how to spot a tantrum on its way and react to diffuse it before it gets too bad. This doesn't always work. I am fairly strict and have "rules" and standards that I expect him to comply with and I don't let him get away with bad behaviour just for a quiet life. Sometimes I don't deal with situations in the best way because I lose my temper and he explodes - I then have to give him space to calm down (usually 5 minutes is enough). Once he is calm we talk about the problem and usually he apologises, we have a cuddle and its all over.

I read a book called "The Explosive Child" by Ross W Greene which gave me huge insight into my sons behavior. He has a website with video clips that are well worth watching - sorry I can't post a link but you can google it. I don't want to paraphrase what he says here because I might not get it across properly but the main point is that children don't behave in this way because they want to. Realising that DS's behaviour wasn't his fault and wasn't mine either changed both our lives.

I really hope you can get some help and work things out - believe me if someone had told me 2 years ago that I would be advising someone on how to deal with their childs problem behaviour I would have laughed, it felt like things were just getting worse and I couldn't see any way out.

~Chameleon~

missylaney wrote: »

He referred me to the paediatrician at our local hospital who diagnosed mild tourettes syndrome - these "rages" can apparently be a symptom of tourettes. I was shocked because DS's "tics" were so mild, just sniffs and throat clearing really, that I hadn't even really noticed them.

The OP mentioned her daughter grunts and gets angry & upset when this is pointed out to her. Now I'm not in any way suggesting she has Tourettes, nobody here is qualified to make such a diagnosis, but it's certainly an avenue worth exploring.

blue_monkey_2

I also wanted to add my story to this. My son is 6 and was just like your daughter. We never went anywhere as I could not do another day.

Does a change in routine upset your daughter? My son needs lots pf preperation for even a day out, has to know where we are going, what is there, what to expect, otherwise he cannot handle it. He hates too many people around him and he hates it being hot, noise from traffic, he just goes into sensory meltdown. And that is exactly what you described on your opening post. It would have been the artwork setting it off for us too, if it was not that then it would have been what was in the sandwiches or what was in the lunchbox.

My friend used to think he was lovely, he used to sit on the stairs throwing a ball for the dog for an hour when she had him (she has had him 3 times for me for an hour) and she used to tell me that he could not possibly have had something wrong because he was so lovely. One day she bought him home and he went inside and for some reason and the door opened behind us where he was standing on the unit biting himself and screaming because he had to let out everything he had been holding in while at my friends. We let him do that for 10 minutes and he will be fine, if we stop him then he has massive tantrums.

However, 6 years in we have found our way of dealing with things because we know ther eis a problem. You have to find a way of having your daughter think she is on control wheras actually she is not.

So I am going to echo everyone else. Please, please go and see your GP and tell them you need a referal. If you have the money you might consider asking for it to be done privately becauee it takes a long, long time to get an appointment, but the GP will have details. For us we just wanted to know what the problem was, why my son was so different to other children the same age, why he would behave this way. For us it was knowing what we were dealing with and how we could help him. Even the slightest change in routine will lead to huge tantrums so please bear this in mind.

Maybe you could set something out now to see if it will help. I have a wall planner and the things we are doing for the day will be put on the planner, they know what time lunch is and what time we are going somewhere to meet people. I have to tell him 10 times that we have to go to Sainsbury so he can prepare for it.

blue_monkey_2

I'd also like to add that the money system made no difference for my son because he has no understanding on the things he has done being wrong and also he cannot remember having done them.

However, mine get rewarded 1p for: putting on shoes, putting on socks, getting their coat, getting out the door, brushing teeth, etc... 1p each time. Never take away, only add.