God help me but I don't know what to do

Primrose

I think people will understand that you feel at the end of your tether and you really need to get some professional help now.
I'm wondering if your daughter has undiagnosed Aspergers Syndrome or some other personality disorder which has not yet been diagnosed. Your first port of call is obviously your GP, and possibly a serious talk with the teachers at your daughter's school to try and discover how she behaves in different circumstances.
You cannot continue alone like this without support. Your GP should be able to put you in touch with Social Services or a child psychologist who had help you understand what is causing these problems.

DaveLy

I strongly recommend seeking professional mental health advice. Start by talking to your GP.

From my experience...

While I don't know your situation completely it does sound like she has discovered your weakness as a parent. One method of testing this for yourself is by bringing a police officer around to have a word with her about the knife threat, in the likely event she fears the police officer, at least it should proove to you she has a healthy FEAR of authority.

FEAR is what governs alot of societys behaviour, fear of the law, as once broken, the result can be years in prison. Therefore, she needs to have a healthy fear of you.

It looks like she is trying to 'break' you. From the sound of it she is doing a damn good job. You need to show her whos boss.
She wants a reaction from you, anything from shouting to crying. REMAIN calm and in control, if you need to show any emotion turn it to laughter, the exact opposite reaction that she is trying to achieve.

In the event she is violent, restrain her physically, it might be hard, but this is what professionals do. Arm up back, sit and wait until she is totally calm - do not let go even when she is crying, she needs to be 100% calm and emotionally stable. After a few attempts at this, it'll get less frequent. She'll discover you are in control and a much stronger person than her.

esmerelda98

Caroline73 wrote: »

The daughter sounds like she is crying out for attention, when she is being nice you have reminded her of the bad behaviour.

Start everyday afresh.

I'm sure you didn't miss the signs that this girl is seriously badly behaved. The bad behaviour of the day before had not been dealt with, at least partly due to the fragile mental state it induced in the mother. I hope you are not suggesting the mother pretend the day before had not happened. The behaviour she described was not a one-off, so swiftly moving on was not an option. I firmly believe that this sort of behaviour, if not dealt with head-on, will result in this girl becoming a nasty, manipulative adult. You have not gone into a lot of detail in your post so I must say you come across as thinking of this sort of behaviour as nothing out of the ordinary.

Welshwoofs

I don't particularly like the rush to get a diagnosis for something, anything that may explain bad behaviour. Bad behaviour can (and does) happen in children who are perfectly normal on all fronts.

It sounds to me as though the child has the Mother on the run. She knows she can get away with doing what she wants and that there aren't many consequences to that. For instance, when going on this day out the daughter refused to carry her bag...well then, you leave it behind and she would have to go without the things in it. I'd also say the child knows her Mother is frightened of her and that has made the child powerful and the one in control.

Personally I don't think things like the 'naughty step' work and would fall back on the good old fashioned "You'll go to your room and you'll stay there for the rest of the day with no dinner and remove any toys/games/TVs/electronics from the room so it's a punishment. If she's got to the stage where she'll defy that by walking out, then fit a lock to make sure she stays put. If she can't behave herself on trips out, then she doesn't get nice trips out. I think that every instance of bad behaviour has to have a clearly stated consequence and that needs to be followed through on; reasoning and pleading won't get anywhere.

First and foremost though, it sounds like Mum needs a break.

Zazen999

Welshwoofs wrote: »

I don't particularly like the rush to get a diagnosis for something, anything that may explain bad behaviour. Bad behaviour can (and does) happen in children who are perfectly normal on all fronts.

It sounds to me as though the child has the Mother on the run. She knows she can get away with doing what she wants and that there aren't many consequences to that. For instance, when going on this day out the daughter refused to carry her bag...well then, you leave it behind and she would have to go without the things in it. I'd also say the child knows her Mother is frightened of her and that has made the child powerful and the one in control.

Personally I don't think things like the 'naughty step' work and would fall back on the good old fashioned "You'll go to your room and you'll stay there for the rest of the day with no dinner and remove any toys/games/TVs/electronics from the room so it's a punishment. If she's got to the stage where she'll defy that by walking out, then fit a lock to make sure she stays put. If she can't behave herself on trips out, then she doesn't get nice trips out. I think that every instance of bad behaviour has to have a clearly stated consequence and that needs to be followed through on; reasoning and pleading won't get anywhere.

First and foremost though, it sounds like Mum needs a break.

I agree, and some parenting skills to make her life easier and to understand the relationship that they have built up.

*Louise*

OP - your post sent a chill down my spine, I have never read a more desperate cry for help

Please let us know if you see your GP - tell them you are feeling suicidal and ask for help. If they try and palm you off with anti depressants, insist on help for your daughter - perhaps a chat with the local health visitor? She sounds emotionally immature, that sort of tantrum you would only expect from a toddler really.

As an aside - did you punish her for her behaviour when you got home? If it was one of my kids they would have been going back to an empty bedroom and a long wait to get anything back.

Someone said start every day afresh? I don't think that is suitable in this instance, the OP's daughter hasn't even acknowledged she has done anything wrong. I would certainly be looking for her to know what she had done wrong and a sincere apology before I would be able to put it behind me.

welshog8

Having experience of domestic violence I applaud you for being strong enough to get out of the situation to safeguard both yourself and your daughter. You have already showed huge strength of character to be able to leave and I am confident that you can get through this.
Personally my first point of call was the Samaritans. I was able to pour my heart out without fear of anyone judging me which I found to be a huge release. You have already taken a major step forward by telling people how you are feeling. Now that you have got it off your chest you need to focus on getting everything back on track.
Social Services and your GP should be the next people you talk to. When you have a quiet moment write down all of the things that are troubling you and how they make you feel this will help you to get all of your points across when you have meetings with such people. I found that when I got there my brain turned to mush and my list was invaluable!
There is no shame in admitting that you are having difficulty coping in fact it is a major step in the right direction.
I really wish you all the best and would like to add that my personal troubles have now resolved and I am about to marry a wonderful man who has taken on my daughter as his own and provides invaluable supprort. Looking back I never thought this day would come but it did and I hope your life turns around just like mine did.

busiscoming2

OP you have had some good advice and I think maybe the GP is a good place to start, but it depends on what your GP is like.
What is your daughters behaviour like at school?

clairehi

busiscoming2 wrote: »

What is your daughters behaviour like at school?

This is a really important point. If DD is normal at school, then she clearly has control over her behaviour when it suits her. OP I suggest you speak to school ASAP if you have not already done so and also go to your GP to discuss her behaviour and a referral to child and adolescent mental health services (CAMHS). Threatening you with knives is totally off the scale of "attention seeking" behaviour and this on its own to me would be grounds for asking for a referral, let alone the rest. Also please tell them about your suicidal feelings, they will not call in social services (even if they did ... chance of anything happening?) but this is a warning sign they need to know.

I dont think it is fair for people to criticise the OPs parenting based on the limited information posted, some kids are extremely hard to manage and the OP clearly is at breaking point.

FYI My DS was referred to CAMHS by our GP at our request age 6 due to "anger management" problems at home and school and we had a fantastic child psychologist who worked magic with him, when we as parents and the school had come to the end of all the options we could think of to deal with him.

miss_spooky

Hi Troubledmummy,

Big huggs to you.

"I fled domestic violence from her father when she was three, maybe she blames me for not protecting her in those three years?"

I think what a lot of people may have missed is that any volatile relationshsip can have a devastating effect on chidren even from a very young age.

This is going to hard the next bit - By the age of 3 she had seen her mum battered & bruised and probably thinks that this is ok to treat you like this as to her it's probably been normal. Since fleeing the DV you have probably over compensated by not enforcing acceptable disicpline but trying to "make it up to her" for as you say it "not protecting her" and there is probably some blame from her to you for what she sees as leaving her dad.

These can lead to serious behaviour problems as you are experiencing and I def think that help for both of you is required.

Although Surestart Childrens Centres are designed for up to 6yrs old, they still offer a great wealth of help and advice esp for parents in need. I've seen the help myself. Have a look through this link for you nearest centre - most are a drop in so you can just turn up & start by speaking to one of the Health Visitors. You may get your refferals quickers.

http://www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/surestart/fundedsettings/childrenscentresmap/


ASlo maybe try ringing Refuge and see what they can offer.

I Hope you manage to get through the next few days, and that things soon start to get better.

MS.