God help me but I don't know what to do

Molly41

Hugs to you. Does she still see her father? I ask that because it sounds like she is modelling his abusive behaviour. She is being really abusive to you in the way she behaves. Perhaps you could talk to Refuge regarding her behaviour? You need to keep yourself safe and well as well as trying address your DD issues.

shazzz

Firstly, GET HELP NOW!
Call social services and tell them you are having problems controlling her behaviour. This IS NOT a sign of weakness its a sign of strength. There are people out there that know how best to go about these sort of issues. Dont reflect on everything it will drive you mad and dont blame yourself. Find out from the professionals they will point you in the right direction. Perhaps they could visit and observe without her knowing who they are to get a true reflection of er behaviour. A short fix with having a break etc will not solve this problem long term and i would urge you to call toady these people are there to help and guide people in your position. Be brave and best of Luck.

ruthber

You could get your GP to refer your daughter to Child and adolescent Mental health services. They will arrange an appointment with a child psychologist. she has anger issues which started when her father left so that needs to be addressed. big hugs!

Amanda65

For help now, today, which is what you need by the sound of it, phone the Parentline Plus helpline

http://www.parentlineplus.org.uk

It's free and I'm sure that you will get some support and practical advice. Please don't do anything stupid - your daughter needs you to help and guide her, even if that means having some time apart.

Good luck x

SugarSpun

I'm not a child psychologist, but I do work in mental health, and I think you should ask your GP for a referral, and perhaps consider family counselling. The Anna Freud Centre does mentalisation-based family therapy, which is designed for families where the members can't understand why the others are behaving the way they are, and I think that perspective would be a good one for your daughter. It sounds like she's having trouble expressing her anger in a non-destructive way, and understanding your perspective might help her.

But really, talk to your GP. Don't hold anything back - you need some outside help and the more honest you are the more likely you are to get the right help the first time.

And my PM box is open if you need it, but I'm not an expert and can only wish you the best of luck. You're doing a good job in difficult circumstances and it sounds like you've done the best for your daughter over and over again. I wish all parents tried so hard and cared so much.

Indie_Kid

What is she like with other people?

Zazen999

Have you thought of parenting lessons?

p.s....I'm not being rude, but it seems to me the power relationship has broken down and you need to take control and parenting lessons are a good way of working out what has gone wrong.

Britwife

Maybe she doesn't need a therapist but a better relationship with her mother? I'm not saying you're a bad mother, you just sound very busy. Right now, I think you need to do mother daughter things with her and find a way to bond with her. Her behavior is that way because she has been allowed to get away with it.

We have a very strong willed 4 year old and we have to stay strong with our parenting with him. We have to follow through with any punishment.

I would take her out to lunch, mabye get some girly manicures, if too expensive, do one at home. You do her nails and let her do yours. Buy some pizza and rent a chick flick rated for her age.

Sometimes it feels like all we do is yell at our children so I feel it's equally important to spend that quality time with them. I also feel that since this has been going on for a long time that you have built up a wall around you and it's time to crumble it. Take a fresh start at being her mom and forget the past so that you can move on.

I know this is hard but I fear it will get worse as she hits the teenage years. If I were in her shoes, I would just want my mom but my mom would have to learn to really listen to me and guide me. My mother tried to get me help when I was younger after being attacked, but I didn't want to talk to strangers, I didn't want to talk about it at all. I just wanted a relationship with my mom.

I hope that makes sense. I have a strong willed baby girl and may be in your shoes before I know it.

Just take a deep breath and make sure to give her a hug and kiss at night time, a bedtime story (never too old since they have to read anyway) and tell her you love her each night. I'm sure you already do but I just wish I could help more.

Mojisola

Britwife wrote: »

Maybe she doesn't need a therapist but a better relationship with her mother?

I'm sure you mean well but, taking into account that the OP has been coping with this behaviour for six years and yesterday thought that dying would be better than carrying on, it's not a very helpful comment. Whatever is going on with this child, it's not something that's going to be fixed by a hug and a bedtime story.

troubledmummy - please don't delay in getting help and don't hold back on telling the whole story because you feel embarrassed by your daughter's behaviour. If the professionals aren't told everything, they won't be able to help to the full. You have been worn down by this relationship and shouldn't try to cope alone any longer. It won't help you or your daughter if you do struggle on.

There's people on here who will support you through this so post whenever you need to. Our thoughts will be with you.

pukkamum

Hi love first of all i can understand how terrible this must be for you and the things i am going to say are NOT an accusation at you.
Children react to parents reactions, they respond in ways they have learnt, witnessed or sensed from parents.

There is a very excellent counsellor (who's name evades me at the mo I'm afraid) who was in a documentary on t.v where he was counselling families with 'troubled' children or children with 'behavioural' problems.

The first point to make is that he never ever met the child, spoke to the child or had anything to do with child he only ever saw/spoke to the parents.

One example is a couple with one daughter who sounds very much as yours. They were on the verge of giving her over to social services.
Within a month her had them back on track.

The only input he had with the child is making the parents create a money system for the child.

The child basically starts off with say fifty pence every day in pennies that the parent keeps hold of.
Every time the child does something that is not acceptable be it physical, emotional etc the child loses a penny, no two ways about it, no pleading or 'being good' will get that penny back.
When the child exhibits the bad behaviour they are simply told 'thats a penny gone' nothing more nothing less no more recriminations that's the end of it.
At the end of the day, once in bed, the money is handed over with an explanation of each penny lost but in a calm non-judgemental way.
Any arguing about amounts or behavior from child to be ignored.

You really also need to look at how you react to her behaviour, look at the attention you give it.
Do you often say she has pushed you to the end of your tether or that you can't cope, do you break down in tears?
All these are signs to the child that you are weak and not able to be the strong parent she wants, especially after the violence of your last relationship does she just want you to show you can be strong and protect her and yourself from it happening again?

Please try these things and most of all look at your reactions perhaps a diary at the end of the day would help, you could write down any incidents and how you dealt with them and ask yourself could i have dealt with it in a different way?

i have worked closely with families and children and have often found this technique helpful please pm me if you need any advice etc.