God help me but I don't know what to do

needtovent

Hi. Didn't want to read and run. There have been some very good suggestions made here and i have nothing else to add really apart from to urge you to seek help from a health professional, behavioural therapist-someone, anyone, but please don't think you need to do this alone-help is out there, I hope you find a solution soon. (((hugs)))

Blackpool_Saver

This is exactly what my son was like, at five he was diagnosed ADHD, he is now diagnosed Bipolar.
Please, you must see a doctor, don't be put off.

cheepskate_2

troubledmummy wrote: »

She would send me to the naughty step,
any phrase or language I used to reprimand her would be used against me.
She threw a tantrum one night when she was four/five because she didn't want to go to bed, was lashing and kicking out and kicked me in the face and nearly broke my nose.

. When she was seven she told me she knew where I kept the kitchen knives and that she was going to kill me in my sleep.


She refused to walk with us through the West End which was really crowded.
She screamed at me and refused to listen to reason when my friend tried to talk to her.


We sat and had a picnic for which she refused to join us.
I said if she wasn't going to sit with us she couldn't eat with us. So she came over, and kicked her shoes off.
she then walked away and left me to carry it. I refused to saying everyone had to carry something. She refused to so I warned her several times it would go in the bin if she didn't want it. It ended up in the bin.

My daughter refused to walk with me and would only walk about 15 paces behind,
She then refused to walk at all so I held her hand and made her walk with me.
She threw up a massive fuss screaming about this but then promised if I let go she would walk with me.
We then walked through Leicester Sq and Covent Gd with her walking just behind me punching me in the back and trying to kick my calves.

She refused to walk next to me. She then refused to move at all so I took her by the hand again,
she then tried to rip my clothes off me and bite me.

I had to drag her through Covent Gd because she refused to walk.
She then agreed to walk by me if I let go so I did.




This morning she asked how I was and I said I was very sad over her behaviour yesterday and she got angry and blamed it all on me saying it would never have happened if I had held her artwork for her and stormed out the room. I felt I had to highlight this as this behaviour should have been dealt with yesterday properly and now a new day and you are still carrying over yesterdays argument, when in fact she was concerned for you.
A new day and in theory this argument will spill over for another day and so on, a little circle of arguments that all should be dealt with there and then.

/QUOTE]


1st off all I think you have to go and get help for yourself, if you are not mentally stable then you cant help your daughter.

On your daughter, i have quoted all the bits you have said and at no point do you enforce disapline, stick to rules or carry out what you actually say to her.

I personally dont think your daughter has health problems and needs "proffessional help" in that sense, BUT i do think you need help in how to parent .

You are allowing your daughter to tell you what you will do i.e if you let go of my hand i will xyz.

Because the roles have been reversed and your daughter is taking on the lead role then I think due to the associated problems you relationship is not what it should be and once these issues are sorted you will go back into a good mother/daughter bond.

I certainly think the social Services are excellent for this type of problem and would call them as well as mental health team for yourself, altho i think once you can get a grip on this parental problem then your menatl health will go back to normal.

pukkamum

Okay you say that when you got home she was sweetness and light but you could barely look at her.
She is clearly showing regret for what happened and you rejecting her when she showing her soft loving side is only going to make her less likely to show that side to you.
You also say when the next day when she asked how you were you referred to the day before and said how sad you were because of it and she got angry.
The fact is that was yesterday this is today, by referring to the day before you are yet again bringing the feelings of guilt she had about what happened and her reaction to the guilt? Defensiveness, nobody wants reminding constantly of their failings, children live in the present not the past yesterday has gone as far as she is concerned.

If you had in place the money technique she would have at bedroom been reminded of her failings that day by the loss of the money and by starting again with 50p the next day she knows that yesterday is forgotten about and today is a new day.

With your reaction the day after she has had no chance for redemption.

Caroline73_2

The daughter sounds like she is crying out for attention, when she is being nice you have reminded her of the bad behaviour.

Start everyday afresh.

Tropez

Hi,

I know you don't know me. I'm a new poster around here and I am sure that you are probably close to some of the others on this forum. However, I couldn't read your post and not respond.

Many years ago I had a very close friend who was in a similar position with a child that was seemingly uncontrollable. This child was excluded from school on three occasions before his 8th birthday and the whole thing culminated with my friend attempting suicide. I only wish I knew who to thank for finding her when they did and she survived. We lost touch, unfortunately, due to a number of reasons but I was overjoyed when I found a blog one day that she had written, detailing her eventual successes at finding the right type of treatment for her unruly son. She is now living a happy life with him, and while I may no longer speak to her I am ecstatic this is the case.

While it seems very difficult and is clearly taking its toll on you, you need to remember that the simple fact you care enough to feel this way means that you care at all. There are an unfortunate number of unruly children who behave the way that they do simply because their parents don't care. To be driven to such extreme thoughts and to feel failure as you do proves beyond any doubt that you are not to blame and that you are a worthy, special person who needs help.

You need to speak to your GP and to social services and start working towards a solution that benefits all of you. NEVER, ever think that involving social services is the act of a failure. I was adopted when my biological mother was simply too young to be able to care for me, and honestly, I had a fantastic upbringing and I have never once resented my biological mother for what she did. I understand it and honestly I appreciate it. It is hard to believe it but sometimes allowing social services in to your life can have beneficial results and I am not necessarily advocating putting your child up for adoption but there are services out there designed to deal with children just like yours, and they may involve some sort of temporary relocation. It doesn't make you a failure, nothing does. It makes you someone who cares about your child's wellbeing and your child's wellbeing is dependant upon your own. If you lose the will to continue in your own life then that would be more disasterous than anything else.

There are support groups out there for you too. People who have gone through this who can lend you an ear, give you a shoulder to cry on and let you let off some steam. You don't need to go through this alone.

Please consider what others have said and look in to ways that you can get help. Your final solution at the bridge will benefit no one, instead it will just put an end to a life that clearly has a lot of love to give.

Money_maker

Just had to say 'hugs' to the OP AND her daughter.

Hope following some of the advice on here will see you both through this x

elaine373

Its clear you have tried everything you could think of and its also clear you are mentally exhausted with trying.First of all,see your doctor and ask for a referral to camhs.You and your daughter obviously have a very intense relationship and she has for whatever reason learned all your weak points and has driven you down to a very low point.I think she has got into such a habit of behaving like this that she does not how else to bahve,she sounds unhappy.I suspect this may be a blame type of behaviour towards you which may be from your difficult situation when you had to flee from her dad. Its clear you need help and support and i do hope your doctor referrs you immediately.In the meantime keep coming here to get some support.x

Edited to say that unless you have been in this situation its impossible to know how low one can get,yes this may result in making wrong parenting choices, but its not helpful to crticise without positive constructive answers.There but for the grace of God, go i.

Britwife

Mojisola wrote: »

I'm sure you mean well but, taking into account that the OP has been coping with this behaviour for six years and yesterday thought that dying would be better than carrying on, it's not a very helpful comment. Whatever is going on with this child, it's not something that's going to be fixed by a hug and a bedtime story.

troubledmummy - please don't delay in getting help and don't hold back on telling the whole story because you feel embarrassed by your daughter's behaviour. If the professionals aren't told everything, they won't be able to help to the full. You have been worn down by this relationship and shouldn't try to cope alone any longer. It won't help you or your daughter if you do struggle on.

There's people on here who will support you through this so post whenever you need to. Our thoughts will be with you.

First off, I didn't say not to get help, you have my quote there that says MAYBE. My words came from experience in my own life. I also didnt say that my suggestions were a cure but rather a start. Something is missing in this relationship. I'm sorry, but sometimes things like this happen and we MUST learn to cope, be it from a professional or learning new ways on our own. It's all about building blocks and baby steps. Her daughter isn't going to all of sudden change over night. It's going to take time and effort. That's all I was suggesting.....baby steps. I think you just read too much into what was written.

esmerelda98

pukkamum wrote: »

Okay you say that when you got home she was sweetness and light but you could barely look at her.
She is clearly showing regret for what happened and you rejecting her when she showing her soft loving side is only going to make her less likely to show that side to you.
You also say when the next day when she asked how you were you referred to the day before and said how sad you were because of it and she got angry.
The fact is that was yesterday this is today, by referring to the day before you are yet again bringing the feelings of guilt she had about what happened and her reaction to the guilt? Defensiveness, nobody wants reminding constantly of their failings, children live in the present not the past yesterday has gone as far as she is concerned.


With your reaction the day after she has had no chance for redemption.

I think you are TOTALLY wrong here. We are talking about a child of nine. If she is not aware her behaviour is seriously wrong then it needs to be pointed out to her EACH TIME this sort of behaviour occurs that it is unacceptable. The girl needs to unambiguously apologise for her behaviour and look like she means it (Mummy, I am sorry for not helping/kicking you/being difficult today) not suddenly switch from nightmare child to angel when it suits her and expect her mother's emotions to automatically change too. I agree that it would have been better to deal with the difficult behaviour on the day but I really believe she was so upset she could not have said anything helpful. Remember, she was practically suicidal, she could only have said nasty things to the child that night. Better to sleep on it. For me, anyway, things never seem quite as bad the following day.