God help me but I don't know what to do

troubledmummy

I have created a new account because I want to be anon.

My daughter is nine years old, I have only mentioned her in passing before I think. She has had behavioural problems since she was three years old, being very strong minded and stubborn. She would send me to the naughty step, any phrase or language I used to reprimand her would be used against me. She threw a tantrum one night when she was four/five because she didn't want to go to bed, was lashing and kicking out and kicked me in the face and nearly broke my nose.

Things have never improved. When she was seven she told me she knew where I kept the kitchen knives and that she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Fast forward to yesterday. We had gone to a museum with a friend and her kids where they had all done an A3 piece of artwork and made bags out of paper. When we left we were all carrying plastic bags containing stuff for the day aswell as a picnic. My friends daughters took a bag each and my friend and I carried the rest. I asked my daughter to carry her A3 artwork which she refused to do and it led into a tantrum. She refused to walk with us through the West End which was really crowded. She screamed at me and refused to listen to reason when my friend tried to talk to her. She scowled and cried the entire time walking from the museum. She always expects me to carry everything, she never helps unless she wants to and/or its on her terms.

My friend had never seen her in this mode before, had only ever seen her in her sweetnes and light, butter wouldn't melt mode. She was shocked and saddened for me and gave me a sympathetic look and reassuring arm rub. I hate it, everytime someone sees my daughter in action like this I get 'the look' and the arm rub, I know they are just trying to be nice but its humiliating that my daughter behaves so.

We sat and had a picnic for which she refused to join us. I said if she wasn't going to sit with us she couldn't eat with us. So she came over, and kicked her shoes off. When we finished we stood up to leave, my daughter asked me if I could hold the artwork while she put her shoes on, which I did, she then walked away and left me to carry it. I refused to saying everyone had to carry something. She refused to so I warned her several times it would go in the bin if she didn't want it. It ended up in the bin.

We then parted company from my friend and her kids who had to go in the opposite direction. My daughter refused to walk with me and would only walk about 15 paces behind, I told her it wasn't safe in a sunny hot crowded West End for her to walk so far behind. She then refused to walk at all so I held her hand and made her walk with me. She threw up a massive fuss screaming about this but then promised if I let go she would walk with me. We then walked through Leicester Sq and Covent Gd with her walking just behind me punching me in the back and trying to kick my calves. I told her she would have to walk in front of me if she couldn't walk nicely behind. She refused to walk next to me. She then refused to move at all so I took her by the hand again, she then tried to rip my clothes off me and bite me. It was terrifying.

I had to drag her through Covent Gd because she refused to walk. She then agreed to walk by me if I let go so I did. By this point we were both panting and feeling sick. We had to cross the Thames to get home and as we turned onto the Embankment I saw Hungerford/Waterloo bridge with the London Eye behind it and the tip of Big Ben poking up behind that all I wanted to do was jump off the bridge. In a cold and chilling moment I saw my life ahead and I knew I would be happier being dead.

I am broken. I can't take anymore. I have tried sending her to counselling, tried every method of discipline I have read about, nothing works. She very rarely does anything to help in the house, just what she wants to do and on her terms if I am very lucky. I can't go out because no babysitter will look after her once they see how she behaves when it is time to go to bed. She scares them, hell she scares me! I feel humiliated in front of my friends. I am scared to take her out the house in case she kicks off.

I have spoken it through and through with people and they say it is not me, that she has enough love, attention, warmth and good food. I fled domestic violence from her father when she was three, maybe she blames me for not protecting her in those three years?

I am friendly and bubbly and outgoing, I have been told I am hysterically funny and great fun to be around. But I have this daughter that is ruining my life and I don't know what to do to help her. She is everything to me but I feel like I have had my heart ripped out.

She was all sweetness and light when we got home, very sweet and loving. I could barely bring myself to talk to her I felt so dead inside, all I could picture was the bridge over the Thames.

This morning she asked how I was and I said I was very sad over her behaviour yesterday and she got angry and blamed it all on me saying it would never have happened if I had held her artwork for her and stormed out the room. She never takes responsibility for the way she behaves, she always finds a way to blame it on me.

After seeing the bridge yesterday and wanting to jump off it, all I have wanted to do is pack a bag for her and take her to Social Services and hope that foster care can save her and help her where I have failed.

And god help me, that is still how I feel this morning, for the sake of her safety and my sanity.

flutterby_lil

Huge huge hugs, just at work but didn't want to read and run!! x x

ruthber

do you not have any family who could have her for a day or two to give you a break? half-term is difficult for me too i have three kids(one has learning difficutlies). next week should be better. please go and see your doctor you sound depressed. take care. please do not do anything you might regret later.

tanith

What a terrible time for you... have you ever thought of taking her to the GP and asking for her to be assessed , I have no idea what the problem is with your daughter but she does sound as if she has some issues..... I would talk to your GP and tell him how stressed and at the end of your tether you feel.. I hope today is a better day for you both

starjumper

Go to your GP and seek help, speak to the school and see if she's like that there and if they can offer any help or support, and if you need to go to social services. You are not a bad mother, you've just reached the end of your tether dealing with a very naughty child.

I'm not an expert, I don't have a 9 year old but didn't want to read and run. Keep your chin up and don't let her see she's getting to you x

troubledmummy

Thanks ruthber, but there is no family that would be able to take her. I suffer from mobility problems, depression and anxiety as it is without her behaviour adding to my stress.

Everything is at breaking point, her behaviour hit an all time low yesterday and I just feel drained of everything. I just know I can't live like this anymore. The person I love the most in the world tells me she hates me and, oh yeah, she used the 'F-word' at me in the street yesterday!

She does her own thing, never listens to me, shes off the rails and I am terrified of a future of drink and drugs for her as a way of getting back at the world as she has so much anger inside. I can't help her, it's terrible I know and I will never ever be able to hold my head high again or look at myself in the mirror, but her being in care might save us both

pinkclouds

I'm not sure what to say but I think you need and deserve a virtual ((hug)).

You sound so sad. Any healthcare professional that you trust - it doesn't have to be a gp or paediatrician - can help you because they will have a network of people they can recommend. You need help for your daughter and for yourself. I know written words aren't enough. You need some face-to-face sympathy and support.

Parenting is one of the toughest, most important things you can do in your life. You have *not* failed until you give up. You are trying your best. Maybe some moms don't have kids with the same level of behaviour issues but no mom has a perfect child. There is no such thing as a perfect human.

pinkclouds

troubledmummy wrote: »

Thanks ruthber, but there is no family that would be able to take her. I suffer from mobility problems, depression and anxiety as it is without her behaviour adding to my stress.

I've thought of something else. Are you a member of any local church? Even if you are not (and even if you are not religious) the local priest/vicar will be a sympathetic ear and may be able to organise some helpers for you. This won't solve the root problem but maybe someone (or more) to drop by to chat, help look after your daughter, etc may give you some respite. You don't need a professional for that - just an older, experienced parent who is willing to deal with a challenging child. Most churches have a lot of people that fit that description.

Chaserofdreams

If I were in your situation I would definately visit the doctors, a nine year old should not be behaving in this way and hopefully there will be some help available for you and her, whether it be assessment, counselling or medication.
Have you though of contacting womens aid or another agency that could have advice on dealing with the aftermath of domestic violence, you are probably both still suffering from this and this may be something that they can help with.

I really feel for you and hope that you can find the strength to seek help, in a way you have already done this today by posting here. You shouldn't have to bear this alone. xx

julie03

i dont want to say your DD has anything wrong with her but my son does things like this but on a much milder level, whatever type of disipline i use i get it thrown back at me, everything is my fault , he is right i am wrong, he argues about everything, i cant help as i havent found a solution yet but am working on it, going to a parenting course in june

my son has dyspraxia and maybe ASD got an appointment this month for a reassessment, i do think she needs to be assessed.

good luck, it can be hard

euronorris

I know she's been to counselling before, but has she seen a behavioural therapist? That is something you should also ask your GP about.

Don't hide yourself away and think that you have to do this alone. There is help out there, so you need to go out there and get it.

Big hugs!! xx